Candyland.

"I've just had my roots done." "Who by? Hellen Keller?"

2007-02-12T16:37:00.000Z

Once upon a time there was a show called Footballers' Wives. It was full of interesting acting, mental plots, fake tan and bitchiness. It was brilliant for three series, before being quite a lot less so for two more.

Amazing things that happened in Footballers' Wives:

A pair of breasts being set on fire.
An hermaphrodite baby.
A nurse having sex with a man in a coma.
Lots of catfights.
A swapped baby being covered with fake tan to disguise the fact that he's not actually asian.
A dead body in a swimming pool.
Plenty of instances where the plot demanded the cast to be in the shower.
Death-by-vigorous-shagging-after-having-your-heart-pills -secretly-swapped-with-viagra.
Death-by-being-knocked-off-a-building-with-a-champagne- bottle.
Death-by-not-eating.
Death-by-being-mistakenly-shot-with-a-rifle-by-your- teammate.
Death-by-being-smothered-by-a-dog.
A gang of triads sticking a pet dog in a curry.
A distraught mother digging up her dead baby's grave with a champagne bucket.
Fake tan, spiked with Acid.
Voodoo witchdoctors.
Various themed weddings (Egyptian, fairytale etc...).
Joan Collins turning up in series 5, as a love rival to Tanya (above left), the show's greatest character.
A coke addict's nose falling out.
A hot air balloon crash landing into the lion enclosure of a safari park.

Rather excitingly, the American remake is gathering pace. Though it'll probably lack some of the cheap charm and shock value of the original series, a larger writing team might mean that it doesn't run out of steam after only 20 or so episodes. Bryan Singer has a track record of being involved with very good things, although the presence of an Ugly Betty writer makes me worry slightly.

x

Bits. And pieces. But mostly bits. Well, words. Arranged into sentences and perhaps paragraphs.

2007-02-10T21:39:00.000Z

- I am very excited about the next Harry Potter book. I do not like walking past Smiths anymore, because the windows are plastered with posters telling us to pre-order it. I firstly do not understand why anybody would ever need to pre-order something that there'll be no shortage of whatsoever, and secondly the posters remind me about both the book itself and the fact that I'll have to wait until August 21st to read it.

- My throat hurts. It feels like I've swallowed a brillo pad. I haven't. My head hurts too and I've just started sneezing. Perhaps it's that bird flu that's in vogue right now.

- There is officially nothing left in Aberystwyth to do.

- The Caramel Apple Pie Ice Cream Sunday now at McDonalds is probably the best invention ever. At least since the I-Pod. It is basically a cup filled with ice-cream and caramel sauce, with an apple pie rammed into it.

- I only have 5 hours of lectures a week this semester. And two hours of that is watching a film, with a further 2 hours being all tense in a television studio, because the lady in charge apparently shouts a lot if we fuck up.

- I have fallen out of love with Neighbours. Mostly because I didn't watch over the christmas period, only to resume and find 15 new characters. Seriously, I didn't recognise anybody for the first 10 minutes of the episode.

- To fill the Ramsay Street shaped void, I am now addicted to Prison Break after getting my grabbers on the series one boxset. It is "more addictive than crack flavoured pringles", to quote every unoriginal bastard who heard that phrase and thought "I'm having that". It is quite a silly phrase really, because I'm sure it's more the chemicals in crack that make it so moreish. Does it even have a flavour? Or do you inject it? I'm not edgy and exciting enough to know about drugs, sorry. Anyway! Prison Break! God it's brilliant - there are so many twists and clever bits. Plus it makes me feel dead manly. I often find myself wanting to kick someone's face in after watching it.

- Roughly ALL of this past week has been spent with three other lovely people shooting a 10 minute short film for our course. It is a tale of stalking and dog killing and hallucenogenic-spiked milk. It is basically a load of old shit.

- Has everyone heard the new Avril Lavigne song? It is quite a joy to listen to once, but any repeat listens make it marginally less welcome than hearing your parents having sex in the next room.

- I am quite annoyed that I didn't bother with tickets for the next Girls Aloud tour, because it will apparently feature a Spice Girls medley (!!!) and Rogue Traders as a support act (!!!).

THAT IS ALL.

x

Why don't people dance like this anymore?!

2007-02-06T20:21:00.000Z

It's a crying shame.

x

2007-02-06T20:08:00.000Z

"This is written in a rollicking and knowing style that makes the reader complicit in its absurdities. The dialogue - which you use judiciously - raises a smile. What fun"

The above is what I got written on my returned assignment for the screenwriting part of my degree, complete with a first. Hooray! I want to be a scriptwriter when I grow up.

(Sorry, but I've run out of real life people to show this to, having thrust it in the face of every living thing in the Wales area.)

x

Walk Away

2007-02-04T00:57:00.000Z

What we can learn from this year's Comic Relief single:

- Girls Aloud shouldn't cover songs that were never very good in the first place, nor should they ever record without their usual producers Xenomania.
- Africa is probably fucked. Or at least, it won't get as many Wells and Vaccinations as it would have if the song was any good. This means that people will DIE.

What we can learn from this year's comic relief single-accompanying-video:

- Cheryl has hair like a circus horse.
- Celebrities aren't as supportive towards comic relief as they used to be. I wonder if even Keith From The Office, Sonia Off Eastenders, Little Miss Jocelyn and The Man From Green Wing thought they were the first choice to appear.
- Amelle is the best thing about the Sugababes, and makes me like them more. She's the newish one that looks like an angry bird (perhaps a kestrel), for those who don't know their Sugababes.
- Nicola is so pale that the camera has problems recording her face. This is either because the other jealous girls lock her in the cellar and make her do housework, OR because everytime she goes outside the sun sees her and thinks "I'm not good enough to even look at such a bastion of greatness" and fucks off behind a cloud.

I shall probably still buy it though, what with it being a charity affair. My mum's already sent me this year's red nose and I've been wearing it far too much. It is better than the last few Comic Relief's worth, because it is spongey and light so it can be worn for more than 5 seconds and wont give you a nose bleed. On the downside, it smells a bit like how I would imagine Asbestos to smell like.

x

"Look! There goes Art Malik!"

2007-02-03T23:02:00.000Z

I took this picture. Perhaps.

I've gone a bit Smeeta Smitten (Showbiz Kitten) as of late. The A-List stars are practically queuing up to walk past me and be in the same place as I am. And we're not talking about small fry soap stars, little known singers, ailing comedians and local weathermen here, we're talking proper A-list.

A few months back, I was at Crewe Station and none other than Charlie from Corrie walked past me. I very rarely see famous folk, so I wasn't too sure whether it was him or not, even though he had the exact same face and body. A text from a northern friend telling me that Crewe is in fact Up North confirmed that if definitely probably was him.

THEN! A few weeks later I was at another train station (Wolverhampton - what a shit tip!)
when none other than Carl Barat from The Libertines was standing on the platform opposite me. He was wearing a pretensious white trench coat type thing, and generally looking like a tit. I was staring very hard at his general face area once I recognised him, and got a filthy look back.

Then, YES! THERE'S MORE A-LIST SPOTTING! We were at a big charity (i.e. "a bit rubbish" but it's for sick kiddies so you can't moan) Christmas Party at the NEC in Birmingham, when I got to use the same toilet at the same time as the none-fit one from X-Factor runners up Journey South. By 'same toilet' I mean 'the same room filled with toilets and urinals', not the actual same toilet. That'd be a right old mess.

I am sorry if you have been blinded by the light shining from all the stars mentioned so far, but put on some extra thick sunglasses, because there are two more MASSIVE names to come.

One of these is Jasper Carrot, who we saw a few weeks back in a restaraunt in town. I don't know whether anywhere else knows who Jasper is, but he's pretty much the King of Birmingham. So much so that virtually everyone in the city has seen him a good 5 times. He was also at the aforementioned Christmas party, and I once went to see A Christmas Carol with my school and he was sat a few rows behind with his daughter - who may or may not have been the one from The Office and, er, Garfield 2. In fact it could have been a fancy women, but we just assumed it was his daughter.

Finally, last weekend we got to meet one of the biggest Welsh stars of the last few decades. He's up there with Catherine Zeta and Tom Jones. Yes, it's Derek The BBC Weatherman. He was signing a book to accompany his award winning tv show "Weatherman Walking", in which he wears lots of lovely jumpers and walks around Wales charming the elderley.
Derek is a very good weatherman because he gives you ideas about what to do depending on the weather. For instance, "I'm afraid it's going to be rather wet and windy this afternoon, so perhaps stay inside and read a nice book."

Blodwen and Derek:

Gareth and Derek:

I am pulling a really odd face there, and you can tell I was hungover. Therefore I'm rather worried about the fact that somebody who we didn't know took a picture of me meeting Derek. I just hope it was someone thinking that it was Derek the Weatherman meeting Charlotte Church or the fat one from Keane, rather than the local newspaper. I'm not going into any paper shops for a while, just in case.

x

The Power Of Five

2007-01-30T19:56:00.000Z

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE, STOP BRINGING THE SPICE GIRLS INTO EVERYTHING.

At the request of Boz, here come 5 Useless Facts About Me:

(1) The first record (well, tape) I bought was "The Smurfs Go Pop". It was nothing short of amazing, containing the likes of "Our Smurfing Party" and "Smurfhillbilly Joe". I even bought the imaginatively titled follow up album, "The Smurfs Go Pop Again". It wasn't as good. That difficult second Smurf album, eh?

(2) I am addicted to chewing gum, it's my Smoking. I chew between one and two packs a day.

(3) I once NEARLY DIED on holiday in Menorca. On the first day I slipped and fell against a flimsy glass door, which swung back and shattered on the corner of a table, sending a shard plunging into my back and puncturing my left lung. What fun! I then got to spend the entire two weeks remaining in a Menorcan hospital, with the first week in intensive care.

(4) I cannot ride a bike, or do a gamboll.

(5) My names is Gareth Richard Douglas King.

Gareth = Welsh
Richard= English
Douglas= Scottish
King = Rules them all.

Amazing. It wasn't intentional, my parents aren't mental nationalists or anything.

If you have a blog, right five facts about yourself.

x

Baby Baby Spice

2007-01-26T16:21:00.000Z

Congratulations to The Bunton, because she now has a little baby in her tummy. It is especially good news, because it means she can now concentrate on breathing techniques and what colour she should paint the nursery, instead of the fact that nobody has bought her new album.

I think that now my uni degree is going tits up (I got 52% on an essay the other day - what a fucking cheek!), I shall open a child care centre for the spawn of 90s popstars. I could look after Geri's and Emma's, and mould them into the artists of the future. I shall also take Claire from Steps' forthcoming baby, though I won't give it as much attention. If Ginger Junior wants whatever Clare Junior is playing with, then it can fucking well have it.

x

The best use of a red dress since Schindler's List.

2007-01-25T15:18:00.000Z

Posh people do it better. Fact.

I was internetless (no I wasn't actually dead, I'd just vacuumed over our modem) when Sophie Ellis Bextor stuck this onto the web, so I'm only just discovering it now. It's so nice to have her back. What with her and The Feeling, PoshPop could be a new genre before long.

It will be a big shame when this flops harder than Tom Cruise on Wedding Night. I may even cry.

x

2007-01-24T22:01:00.001Z

ODD.

ERROR

2007-01-23T02:02:00.000Z

Some people should have their fingers snapped off, so they can't vote in online polls.

Fools.

It just so happens that the other day I was up a mountain, when a strike of lightning zapped two big tablets of stone onto the ground in front of me. This is what was engraved on them:

The Ten Most Bestest Films Evah By Me, God

1. SpiceWorld: The Movie

- I really liked this film because it woz really clever and funny, although I didn't much like the bits with Mel C in dem. My best bit woz when they met the aliens, and also when the boy woz in the coma but woke up to have a look at Ginger's baps. The songs were really good and I wish that all the old people/ugly people/closet gays that go to church each week would sing them at me instead. WANNABE > THINE BE THE GLORY 4evah lolzzz

2. Mean Girls

- This was proppa brilliant, although the ending when everyone was nice to each other was both silly and dull. It was nice to see Lindsay Lohan b4 she began eating paper insted of food.

3. The Godfather Trilogy

- This is three films but fuck you in the face becuz I am God so they can be counted as one. Although only the first two are good but I don't know the word for two films and pair dont sound right.

4. Pirates Of The Caribbean

- This film is mint and I think I'll watch it later after I've had my nuggets and ribena. Then I think I'll kill Jerry Bruckheimer and send him 2 hell for making the second one which was well gash.

5. Disney's Robin Hood

- I liked this film soooo much that the other week I built a planet that is just like earth but all the animals talk and wear clothes and live in olden times.

6. Mrs 'Arris Goes To Paris

- I ent actually seen dis, but the title is well bitchin' and my mum Angela Lansbury is in it. Boo yah.

7. Fight Club

- Now dis iz wot I call a film. I like the twisty ending and when Brad Pitt is shirtless whilst wearin low trousers. Also it is funnee when Meatloaf has titties.

8. Titanic

- I only sunk the Titanic so dat dis film could be made about it.

9. Moulin Rouge

- Ah wow, now dis is wot you call a musical. I fink I may also build a planet lyke earth but where everyone is a singing prozzy or a singing author or a singing midget.

10. The Austin Powers Trilogy

- These were all good and as funny as each other. Frau Farbissinar is the funnyest and the fittest is Liz Hurley. I dressed as Austin Powers for Mother Nature's fancy dress birthday party a few years back. I was well cooler than Satan who went as Madonna in the Hung Up video.

Byez

God has rather brilliant taste in films, and I think that him putting Spiceworld at number 1 cancels out what 10 000 computer nerds who probably haven't even seen it think. Smashing.

x

"Don't stop, never give up, hold your head high and reach the top, let the world see what you have got, bring it all back to you me."

2007-01-20T13:23:00.000Z

It's always wonderful when bad things cease to be, for instance:

- It was nice when Sex & The City came to an end.
- I was over the moon when Blue split up.
- Leaving school was fucking brilliant. (The best days of my life? Get bent!)
- And it was a big relief for us all when Granny got arthritis in her jaw, bringing an end to all the never ending stories.

However, it is often quite terrible when things that are really good disappear. Here are some things that I would quite like bringing back:

Penny Farthings

Why did these ever die out?! Yes, they could cause a bloody nose or death when you ended up going head first over the handle bars, but they look incredible. If these were still on the market then I'd actually learn to ride a bike.

Best accompanied by a monacle, top hat, and ludicrously curly moustache. What ho!

Geri Halliwell's Singing Career

I don't want the Spice Girls back (ever! I don't care if it's for a Princess Diana concert, nobody liked her when she was alive), but Geri managed to be the only Spice who kept making the music that the girls should have made had they hung around for longer. The last album that she made wasn't even that bad, she just released a slightly weak lead single and got mullered by the press for not being a boring man with a guitar. Oh, and the fact that she's a bit mental. In a recent OK! interview, Geri said that she'll more than likely never release anything else. Boooo. Instead she's at home raising a very pissed off looking baby:

At least do something where I get to see you, Geri? Don't make me come round there and look through your toilet window again.

White Dog Poo

I just really miss seeing this. Why don't we see it anymore? Don't tell me the country's actually gotten cleaner! We all know that Britain Is In It's Worst Ever State Because Of The Blacks And The Gays (Copyright - The Tabloid Press).

I was all excited when I found some in Egypt, although was a bit gutted that my camera's batteries had died at that point. Fuck 5000 year old temples, it's all about white turds.

Shooting Stars

Oh how I miss this. It was the greatest quiz on television, mostly because it was a load of rubbish and you never had to feel stupid when you didn't know the answers. I pine for Donald Cox (The Sweaty Fox), and especially Georgey Dawes. Let's watch one of his many brilliant songs:

I still sing baked potato, whenever I have one. Which really isn't often. Mine don't talk, and just taste boring.

SM:TV Live (with Ant + Dec + Cat, obv)

It really was the greatest Saturday Morning show ever, mainly for chums and Cat The Dog (from Birmingham (home of the great)). Oh, and Wonkey Donkey. And The Garden Gnomes. And The Bewdiful Corrs. Bring it back now. In fact, just repeat the old ones each week. Especially as Ant & Dec are now too busy being the faces of mediocre Saturday night ITV entertainment.

Sidekicks

Where did these go to? They were little tiny individual shots, that came in little glasses (or "plastics") with a base that allowed them to sit on the edge of a larger glass. This made them both stupid and incredible at the same time. Why would you need to perch it on the side of a larger glass, when taking a sip from it would make the Sidekick fall down you? Because you can, that's why. They were my first love when I discovered drinking.

I mainly want them back because you could build thing out of the empty containers, like some sort of George Best approved Lego set.

I would also like the return off:

-Channel 4 without Big Brother
-Crossroads
-Noel's House Party
-Gaby Roslin

Please post any of these things to me.

x

'Back once again with the ill behaviour (Go! Go! Go! Go!)"

2007-01-19T00:02:00.000Z

Hello! Remember me? I used to blog here about one hundred mazillion years ago.

Sorry I have not been doing so recently, but I was involved in a terrible dusting accident and tragically died. Heaven was nice and all, but I got bored so came back. It was good to see lots of dead celebrities though and, to a lesser extent, dead relatives.

You'll be pleased to know that Karen Carpenter is at a much healthier weight now. In fact I thought she'd put on a bit too much, but apparently it was wrong to tell her this.

Here is a question. It is probably not the sort of thing Parkinson would ask:

What is this artist up to?

Here is the answer.

Goodness me. I don't think I'll help out. Especially if the postman in his neck of the woods is as shoddy as ours - we're forever opening next door's post by mistake.

x

The Chart of 2006

2006-12-19T21:37:00.000Z

This year has not been totally shit, as there has been some quite good music knocking about. Perhaps you are Me Of The Future. If this is the case, it might be nice to make a playlist out of the following songs on your futuristic music devise, and reminisce about younger times. Also, congratulations on not being dead.

The top ten songs of 2006:

10. Money - Girls Aloud
9. You Only Live Once - The Strokes
8. Red Dress - Sugababes
7. Nan You're A Window Shopper - Lily Allen
6. Life In Mono - Emma Bunton
5. America - Razorlight
4. Supermassive Black Hole - Muse
3. Faster Kill Pussycat - Paul Oakenfold feat. Brittany Murphy
2. Something Kinda Ooooh - Girls Aloud
1. Sugar, We're Going Down - Fall Out Boy

The rest of The Top 40 (but in no particular order because the top 10 took fucking ages and I'm still not too happy with it): Crazy Fool - Girls Aloud; Promiscuous - Nelly Furtado; Dance Dance - Fall Out Boy; Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol; I Don't Feel Like Dancing - Scissor Sisters; Hot Kiss - Juliette & The Licks; All Time Love - Will Young; I Think We're Alone Now (Single Version) - Girls Aloud; Ask Me Anything - The Strokes; Heart in a Cage - The Strokes; Never Be Lonely - The Feeling; Checkin' It Out - Little Chris; Rehab - Amy Winehouse; Sorry - Madonna; Chelsea Dagger - The Fratellis; When You Were Young - The Killers; London Bridge - Fergie; Temple of Love - BWO; Stick To The Status Quo - High School Musical; Monster - The Automatic; Pull Shapes - The Pipettes; Wigwam - Wigwam; LDN - Lily Allen; Relax, Take it Easy - Mika; Stars Are Blind - Paris Hilton; Who Am I - Will Young; You and Your Hand - P!nk; Beep - Pussycat Dolls; Everyday Combat - Lostprophets

(To be eligibubble, songs had to be released in the UK at some point in 2006 on either CD/download single or album.)

There would probably be quite a few Rogue Traders songs on this list, but I couldn't work out where to put them because I'd exhausted them once they were finally released over here. So instead of confusing myself I just left them off all together.

x

:(

2006-12-19T12:56:00.000Z

What do all the following have in common?

1) They are all cartoons. No, look closely, they really are.

2) They are all brilliant, and I spent roughly half of the nineties watching them on Cartoon Network.

3) They were all the creation of Hanna-Barbera. I used to think this was a woman with a double barelled first name, but it's actually these two men:

Joseph Barbera carked it yesterday, meaning that they are both no longer with us. This makes me sad. To have created so many fun, entertaining and cool characters and tv shows is quite an achievement, and the world was a way better place for having them. Cheerio, fellas.

*goes into the attic and sobs into his flintstones toys*

x

Blimey, this year's X-Factor was duller than Songs Of Praise.

2006-12-18T12:20:00.000Z

There's only one winner who I still care about:

I hope he's back this year with some new material which isn't a load of old shite or cover versions. It would be a shame to lose such a talented and pretty popstar. And one with such an exciting backstory too, what with the mad family and all the crime. I'll never forget the time in the hairdressers when I read one magazine article about Shsyne's dad being in prison for raping a grandmother, before picking up another one to see a beaming picture of Shayne underneath the headline "I Love Older Women!".

x

The greatest Bond villains that never were:

2006-12-16T03:07:00.000Z

Fuzzy Feltz

2006-12-15T16:02:00.000Z

I fucking love daytime TV. It's a shame that it's only really available to students, housewives, dolescum and the bed-ridden; because when I leave the first of these groups I have no desire to join one of the others.

This past fortnight ITV have been showing Vanessa's Real Lives which has been nothing short amazing, whilst also taking the title of Britain's tackiest and cheapest show. It is better than the usual chatshows, because Vanessa doesn't get bogged down with the usual family traumas and paternity tests. Afterall, it gets a bit boring watching the inbred calling each other a slag every day. Instead, Real Live's just brings out the one freak, allowing Vanessa to either point and laugh, patronise, or berrate them, before she wanders around the audience to meet people who are similar to the chosen freak (e.g. other gerriatric pornstars), people who have been brought in especially to condemn the freak (e.g. The Christian Grannies Association), along with general audience members.

Real Live's has now finished it's trial run, but it'll hopefully be back for a proper series next year. Here were the best bits:

- Vanessa meeting a lady who is "terrified of holes".

- Vanessa meeting the man who drinks his own urine. Upon finding out that he also uses it on his skin, she asked him to rub some on his face, before smelling the area and stepping back quicky to tell him in her most disgusted voice that he "smells like a Urinal". Funny, that.

- Vanessa standing next to the tallest man in Britain, and being perfect blowjob height.

- Vannessa meeting a woman who breast feeds her 7 year old son, as well as her sister-in-law's son whenever he's at the house.

- The revelation that one of Vanessa's daughter's friend tried it on with her - "he said I was a Milf!"

- The man who eats roadkill, including dogs.

- "Coming up after the break, a woman who got over her problems by eating her placenta." I didn't see this one, but apparently Vanessa asked what wine is best to have with it.

- 39 year old identical twins, who always wear the same clothes and sleep in the same bed together each night.

I've missed you, Vanessa.

x

I would like it on cyber record that:

2006-12-10T11:54:00.000Z

Last night I got to meet God's representative on earth, Dr Karl Kennedy. !!!!!.

He and his band Waiting Room, after touring what seems like every other uni in the country twice, finally got to mine, making the place 10004% less shit.

~~Dr Karl~~ Alan is loved by virtually everyone who hasn't had a 9-5 job at some point in the last 12 years, so unsuprisingly there was mass hysteria. We got right to the front for the performance (mostly made up of amazing britpoprock cover versions), which means that I was totally crushed and had to elbow and kick a lot of people in order to keep breathing , but got to hold his hand tightly at one stage, as well as stick one of my fingers up his nose. Though that bit was not so intentional. We then queued for fucking weeks and got to meet him, where he signed my CD and I told him he was my telly dad, which he seemed pleased at. I was quite drunk so forgot all the things I wanted to say to him, but he said he'd send all my love to Susan and reassured me that she has no tattoos on her arms. I'm now regretting that I was a state in front of such a man. I had christmassy red hair dye on my forehead at that point.

My Dr Karl and Christmas joy now has to fuck off for four whole days, as I have 2 important assignments to write. One is 2500 words on the Classical Hollywood Star System compared to the modern day's, and the other is a 4000 word outline of a film script idea (mine is shite and involves a teacher developing super powers). These are both semi interesting, but still boring. No essay will ever live up to the one I did for my goddawful Gay Cinema lecture a few weeks back, because that contained the phrase "vigorous fisting".

I am now listening to my Waiting Room CD. It is brilliant. One track is even co-written by Susan Kennedy.

x

EDIT: I've just remembered that he performed Living Next Door To Alice, but changed the lyrics to involve the recent Karl-overdoses-on-sleeping-medication-and-sleeps-with-Izzy- thinking-that-she's-Susan storyline, which even he said was unbelievable. We all got to sing "Susan? Who the fuck is Susan?" at him.

Truly amazing.

Why BWO are the best thing to come from Sweden since ABBA:

2006-12-06T12:02:00.000Z

And yes I do include IKEA in that, because IKEA is a fucking terrible place. It is time such truth was spoken.

There will be an Award Ceremony in Candyland in a few weeks' time (!!!). Perhaps this will win an award for Best Music Video. Although it probably won't because I doubt there'll be such a category. If you have any ideas for categories, feel free to leave them in the comment box. They can be for anything, although it's nice to keep it celebrity related. I couldn't give a toss how many kids the lady down the street has fostered.

x

"And since we've no place to go..."

2006-12-06T01:10:00.000Z

Let it snow.

Do one of these! It's for charidee, and it's nice and festive and a bit sentimental.

x

Oh it get's worse

2006-12-05T13:24:00.000Z

Following my ipod trauma, I have just got back from a massacre at the hairdressers. I've lost half my fucking hair and have a stupid tiny choppy little fringe. I look like a post-chaemo Kylie drag impersonator :(

I should have ran screaming from the salon the moment I saw that the woman lunging at me with the scissors was some sort of dreadlocked eco-warrior.

x

Rotten Apple

2006-12-05T10:08:00.000Z

Something TERRIBLE has happened! My I-Pod has died.

My beautiful, shiny, magical ipod (aka MY BEST FRIEND) keeps demanding to be "reprogrammed" over and over again, and won't play any music. It's still under guarantee, but it'll be aaggggees until they fix it.

I've become so dependent on having one these past three years, that the next few weeks of my life may be the darkest on record.

And those kids on the Oxfam advert think that they have problems.

x

EDIT: Yesterday I did still walk to a lecture wearing it though, so I could still get away with looking a bit spaced out as I walk between campuses, along with having an excuse not to have to talk to anyone I didn't want.

Has everyone seen this yet?

2006-12-02T12:12:00.000Z

A karaoke classic in-the-making, surely.

x

Open Letters:

2006-11-30T23:20:00.000Z

Dear Britney Spears,

For goodness sake love, please stop flashing us your toilet area. I'm starting to feel like your gynecologist, and it's making your new friend Paris look classy.

I find it hard to believe that one of the most famous women in the world thinks that she can get out of cars without having a lens or two knocking on her downstairs door.

You've pretty much lost all the goodwill that throwing Kevin out won you.

Yours faithfully or sincerely (whichever it is when I know your name),

Gareth

x

Dear Certain People,

It's a little bit early to have put your decorations up. They'll be looking crap and you'll be bored of them by Christmas Day, making them somewhat less special, yes?

It's also cruel to me, as I can't fucking wait for the 25th and the extra reminders of something so far away is make me die inside.

Love from,
Gareth x

P.S. Snow spray is about as classy as a KFC bargain bucket and always looks shit. Especially when you can't fit much on the window and have to settle for "MeryXmas".

And is it still an open letter if you actually send it? Because I was in a mood on Monday morning and sent this to The Sun's Victoria Newton. I feel like I'm juming on a hate powered band wagon, but it's her own fault for writing absolute rubbish and putting her email address link at the bottom.

Dear Victoria,

I'm stating the obvious here, but nobody cares and takes any notice of what you think. Have any of your painfully tedious campaigns actually worked? No, I don't think they have, have they? Your "Don't Let Westlife Get To Number One Because They Are Not Real Music Because I Am Like A 14 Year Old Boy Who Gets Angry About Stuff That Doesn't Have Guitars And Is Performed By The People Who Didn't Write It " campaign was surely evidence of this, what with it having no effect whatsoever on yesterday's album chart. Perhaps this was meant as just a bit of fun, but going on about it every day certainly made it wear pretty thin.

Perhaps instead of trying to show how powerful you are, you should just report the facts about what's going on in the showbiz world instead. Although you've not really managed that too well in the past now I come to think about it. Hmmm. Why not transfer to a job more suitable to your abilities? There's no shame working in a shop y'know, and they're always recruiting this time of year.

Best Wishes,

Gareth

P.S. RE: This Westlife Campaign - I see that you're still going on about it, this time urging your readers to buy Take That's new album. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out that it'll outsell the 'life's effort. But I suppose you know that, and think you can get away with saying that you were the reason it happened come sunday. I look forward to a "Make It Rain This April" campaign in the new year.

P.P.S. Calling them "Pestlife" is very clever. It's almost as good as you calling Lindsay Lohan, Lazy Lohan! Oh, I'm still laughing about that one.

P.P.P.S. I have tried so hard to like you, what with everyone else slagging you off. You really haven't helped yourself though.

Udpate urgeNT!!

2006-11-30T03:39:00.000Z

I have just been sick on Heidi ftom the sugarababes.

It maight have just been a picture though. I blame the christians with their toASST

Girls Aloud Battle The Spirits

2006-11-28T10:55:00.000Z

Oh Nicola won't like these photos.

Perhaps she'll have better luck with the ghostly types as - in what can only be The Greatest Programme Idea Of All Time - Girls Aloud have joined Britain's answer to Scooby Doo (Yvette Fielding) to take part in Most Haunted.

It's not on for another two weeks, but early reports say that

Cheryl cries none stop
Sarah is unfazed (but that'll be the gin)
Nicola runs off half way through
And Kimberley has a stone thrown at her by a ghost.

Nadine doesn't feature. She was probably off recording solo demo tapes and pretending to go out with tv gardeners.

All in all, this sound much better than the usual "Was that the wind? Of course not! IT WAS A GHOST! " that Most Haunted normally gives us.

x

What is that I hear in the distance?

2006-11-25T00:32:00.000Z

Why yes, it's the faint jingle jangle of sleigh bells - because it's nearly Christmas! There's only a month to go!

I've been feeling festive since November the first, when the start of the Christmas adverts signalled decorations to be put up inside my brain, meaning that virtually everything I think about turns into a Christmas thought.

Are you not feeling excited yet? Here are ten whole reasons why Christmas is the greatest time of the year:

You get presents! Lovely new things to call your own! You also get to give presents, which is often also fun in it's own way. You get to bring joy to the people you like, and drop hints to those you're not so keen on. What's this that Grandad's unwrapping? It's a deodorant gift set. How lovely.
There's some fucking great tv on. This year it's all about Doctor Who's Runaway Bride. I am literally as excited about watching that as I am about Christmas itself.
Foooood. Lot's of lovely unhealthy things to gorge upon. I'm sure last year I was actually sweating chocolate by the end of boxing day.
Everyone gets fat together! Hooray, there's no need to feel guilty or more hideously whale-like than anybody else at the end of the holiday.
Christmas music is just bloody brilliant, in a really rubbish way. No song brings any greater joy to me than one about snow and wrapping paper, accompanied with a sleigh bell filled rhythm.
People are generally nice to each other. I should probably start practicing good things to say to my monstrous sister, actually.
Unless you work in the emergency services, or for Ebeneezer scrooge, you don't have to do any work for over a week. What joy.
It is perfectly excusable to start drinking at 8 in the morning. Except I won't, because a drunken me in front of the family is a big mistake. As seen three/four years ago when I'd had a little bit to drink, and answered the phone to here "hello" from an Aunty who we only really tolerated. All excited by christmas and alcopops, I shouted "Ah no it's Aunty Hills" and put the phone down. I haven't heard from her since :(
Everything looks nicer at christmas, all clad in decorations.
It is a beautiful, poignant time to remember the birth of our Lord baby ~~Santa~~ Jesus and to pray for those less fortunate than us ETCETERA ETCETERA...

If you are of one of those kerazy alternative religions, like Islam or Jehovah's Witness, those were also ten reasons why you should totally convert. There's benefits to Christianity all year round too, what with not having to do anything ever and the lack of rules. Perhaps have a no-ties 14 day trial period over the festive season.

Ho ho ho.

x

Election Night

2006-11-23T23:12:00.000Z

It's been exactly one week since the mayoral voting began, and our candidates have been busy campaigning across the whole of Candyland, culminating in the unfortunate events of yesterday when a hungover Charlotte Church lent forward to kiss a baby but ended up spewing last night's kebab all over it.

Despite Doctors predicting that the tot's blindness will only be temporary, it may have cost Charlotte the election.

THE POLLS HAVE NOW CLOSED.

Thanks to everyone who took part.

Here is your new Mayor:

-
5
-
4
-
3
-
2
-
1
-

Heeeeeere's Dolly!

Congratulations to Mayor Parton, who'll be over to take up her new position once she's found someone to water the plants in Dollywood.

Let's have a look at the results:

(Click to enlarge.)

Those of you without a PHD in politics may wish to know that this election was hardly a landslide, with the lead actually being different whenever I remembered to check it. However the closeness of the vote, coupled with the not-so-minor fact that probably no more than 5 people visit Candyland, leads to the conclusion that Blogpoll may not have been the best voting system to use.

But c'est la vie!

Long live Mayor Dolly!

x

Ooh, two YouTube posts in a row is a sure fire way to lose any sort of readership.

2006-11-22T04:38:00.000Z

Yeah I know, but it's four in the morning (WHO KNEW SUCH A TIME EVEN EXISTED?!)and it's better than the big essay that I need doing in the next 9 hours, which wouldn't even be that big or difficult if I'd started it at some point in the last month and a half BUT THERE WE GO.

So let's trawl youtube for better things.

This painfully awkward interview between Joan Rivers and Brigitte Nielsen is fun:

As is Kylie duetting with Kermit the Frog:

Or what about a lovely ballad from Britains best ever dropped boyband:

Or (SOB) Geri's last ever interview as part of the Spice Girls?

Holy Mary in a wheelchair, all these selections were a bit homo weren't they?

Here is a monster truck to balance it out:

Ohh the essay hasn't gone away yet :(

x

Jingle Balls

2006-11-20T11:50:00.000Z

And here's another rubbish thing about the X Factor... it's totally destroyed the hallowed tradition of the Christmas Number one. This really gets on my nips, since it means we no longer get the exciting chart battles and effort made by artists to reach the top, because we all know that it'll be The X Factor winner singing something from Now That's What I Call The 50 Greatest Ballads Ever! cd. This year it's set to be "A Moment Like This", also off the telly adverts for Sandals Holiday Resorts. Fucking. Hell.

From the limited selection, here are three that should be number one instead:

It's Jordan and Peter! And it's for charity, so people can't slag it off. Well that's what they hoped at least. Personally I love it. It's got cringe value.

Aaargh. This is a single from the kid's show Lazytown. I've only seen a few episodes, but they all gave me migraines. Everyone's so happy in it, the little fuckers. I don't quite understand why either, because there's a self righteous argentinian wanker called Sporticus marching around the place and brainwashing them into eating fruit instead of sweets. I quite like the song, though only as it's christmas.

Hooray! It's The Aloud with their best cover version since Jump! And what is this I see? A video that manages to be good despite the £4.80 budget? Blimey O'Riley - it's got magic and shiney bosoms and a lovely hair/hat combo from Kimberley, so it gets my vote. This is only being released to plug the Greatest Hits album (which actually contains a rubbish, lazy version of this song), but let's hope it does better than last year's number 9 performance for their worst single ever.

My mum says that Cliff Richard is also making another attempt at the Christmas Number One slot. She went to see him on Friday night, but thought that "he was singing that one from a few years back, until he said that it was his new christmas single". High praise indeed.

x

STEP AWAY FROM THE DENCH!

2006-11-19T15:24:00.000Z

x

EDIT: I've just seen the new Bond. It's "quite good". Paris does not feature, as she'd make a shit Miss Moneypenny (who is either on holiday in Casino Royale, or being played by a man).

Like finding a bar of gold in a pile of shite.

2006-11-18T12:19:00.000Z

Hello. There is a programme on ITV called The X Factor. It lasts for over three quarters of Saturday and features lots of celebrities* singing for the public vote, with fifteen minutes of adverts between each. Every week a (usually black) person or group gets voted off, and their dreams are shattered because they'll have to get real jobs.

There is also a website on The Internet called YouTube. Once you've established the one or two X Factor Contestants that aren't really crap, you can save yourself the utter tedium of the tv show by just watching their performances online the next day. Observe:

That was Eton Road - the only capable swimmers in this year's talent pool. Handled correctly they could be the next Girls Aloud. They have the same unique and clumsy charm, as well as the tendency to swing towards the good songs and away from Westlife territory.

The star of this particular boyband is their token gay. He is called Anthony and rewrites the Token Gay In The Boyband rules in many ways, mostly through the lack of highlights and the fact that he makes no attempt to hide his terrible affliction. Someone on Lowculture described him as the lovechild of Boy George and Annie Lennox. That says it all really.

Vote Eton Road!

x

*They're not celebrities when it starts, but the series goes on for so fucking long that we know them as well as the Beckhams by the midpoint.

Have I not done a post about Mika yet?

2006-11-17T11:29:00.000Z

Strangely I haven't, which is a travesty.

Who is Mika?

He is a singing man.
With hair that could easily be rubbish, but isn't.
More importantly, he has very good songs.
That are brilliant and exciting.

I could go on, but that would go further down the route of making an exciting thing like Mika into something very very tedious.

Have a look at his MySpace page here, which is home to some amazing songs like the brilliant "Grace Kelly".

Popbitch first did all this at the beginning of summer, so I'm suprised that he hasn't been the Next Big Thing yet. In fact, we should be at the point now where we're all sick of him and wishing he'd fuck off and work on another album.

As it stands that'll probably happen next year, with his debut disk out in early 2007. Hurrah!

x

Edit: It turns out he's on Jools Holland tonight. Hopefully it'll end up on YouTube. I can't stand Jools - there's something about him that gives me the shivers. In fact it was only a week or so back that I was having a drunken conversation with a complete stranger about how neither of us would leave him with our kids. I'm sure he's lovely though, and he's giving breaks to people like Mika which is certainly no bad thing.

"From Soho to Singapore, from the mainland to the shore."

2006-11-16T23:01:00.000Z

Now that this place is simply "Candyland", a little order and tradition need to be installed in the form of our very own Mayor.

So let's have an election! Like what the grownups do!

Just like an ITV gameshow, normal people aren't good enough to take part. Let's meet the celebrity candidates:

1) Charlotte Church - Could 'ave you in a fight.
2) Sir Cliff Richard - Married to God.
3) Dame Elizabeth Taylor - Doesn't know where she is anymore.
4) Dolly Parton - Bought her hair off poor Swedish orphans.
5) Cheryl Tweedy (nee Cole) - Vera Lynn for the I-Pod Generation.

The Mayor will be needed to make the Christmas speech, along with addressing the nation in times of national emergency, such as Terrorism or Posh Spice wearing something nasty. Use your vote wisely. The poll will remain open for one week, which is enough time for all (let's be honest, 3) votes to be cast. Unlike in the real world, women are allowed to vote in this election

That was democracy, what you just felt.

x

Grand Opening.

2006-11-16T00:13:00.000Z

Hello and welcome to the brand new Candyland. Goodness me, what an impressive fireworks display.

But what exactly is new about the place?

Well, I'll tell you that for free:

The name! It's three words shorter! This means that it is both easier to say and write - valuable traits should you ever need to name the place whilst breathing your final breath before death.
The colour scheme! It's all blue! As well as looking a bit different, this is also a clever metaphor about The War In Iraq.
That's it! Fuck all else has changed! Oh contraire - there are plenty of other, very subtle changes that have taken place. So subtle in fact, that they can not be seen by humans. However, there is now a chance to keep up to date with what is brilliant and what is shit, thanks to the new "Candyloves" and "Candyhates" sections on the ~~right~~ left. This is a definitive guide and may even be updated before the next World Cup. As promised, there will also be actual blog entries, along with new features. Tomorrow there will even be a public vote.

Wow. Could this be the most exciting thing ever?!*

So without any further ado, let's get this place open and have a look around. Celebrities were promised and celebrities we have got. After some serious string-pulling, along with the brutal hi-jacking of a minibus on the way to a Liverpool Day Care Centre, please welcome the Grandmothers of Atomic Kitten:

I'm afraid Candyland has no wheelchair access, so Jenny Frost's Nana is rather fucked.

x

*THERE IS NO NEED TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION.

2006-11-06T18:06:00.000Z

Coming Soon...

The All New Candyland.

(16/11/06)

Gosh. It's all so exciting.

x

Quote of the Week:

2006-10-21T14:07:00.000+01:00

"Yeah, it's nice and all... but I wish she was Kylie."

- 13 month old David Banda, on his recent adoption.

"Voice of an angel, liver of a wino."

2006-10-13T11:21:00.000+01:00

Hmmm, I can't quite make my mind up about Charlotte Church.

On one hand, she's always slagging off Girls Aloud, boring everyone with worship of her Gav, and constantly pointing out how down to earth she is because she drinks more Vodka than Water and weekly eats the entire covering of Dr Gillian's "before" table on You Are What You Eat. She also proved to be a rather rubbish popstar.

BUT on the other hand, she still remains rather likable and unique (in the celebrity world). I also think I'd end up as her in a "What celebrity are you most like?" quiz. Plus I never get tired of hearing stories from anybody who's ever been to a club in Cardiff, about how Charlotte Church told them to fuck off.

She doesn't really know what to do with herself these days, but somehow she's been given a Friday night chatshow. I've only seen about two, but can conclude that it's not as bad as everybody (i.e. the newspapers and folk who haven't seen it) have been saying it is.

It does make the mistake of peaking too soon though, with a variation of this every week:

x

Especially for U(ma)

2006-10-12T18:00:00.000+01:00

But anyone can enjoy a bit of monkey sex, can't they?

I can't remember whose hand that is. There was such a crowd of people clamouring to take pictures you see.

(Taken at the Animalarium, the best place in Wales.)

x

Running just as fast as we can.

2006-10-11T14:38:00.000+01:00

You know when they find a cure for cancer? And the world'll unite in happiness and people will be telling strangers in the street and there'll generally be lots of hugging?

Well I'm starting to doubt that such jubilation will occur now, since today something just as good occurred, and not once has a stranger hugged me.

Yes...

GIRLS ALOUD have covered ~~one of~~ Tiffany's ~~biggest~~ hits, I Think We're Alone Now for their Greatest Hits Compilation.

Let's have a look at the Maths:

This = Really Rather Brilliant

... because it's one of the best songs of the 80's covered by the best group of the 00's.

And you can't argue with that, because it's maths. I just hope that Girls Aloud aren't going to do anything to hurt the song (such as having Nadine sing it all), in revenge for the less than kind way in which Tiff treated Love Machine on that goddawful music show a few years back:

Tiffany actually lives in my neck of the woods. I'm praying that one day she stands as local MP.

x

Asking myself some difficult questions.

2006-10-11T02:52:00.000+01:00

Lala, one of my favourite Australians (she's up there with Kylie and the Neighbours cast), has trapped me into doing this. I don't really mind, because it's all about me me me.

1) Would you bungee jump?

Yes! And I hope to one day, but only when I've got money to do it in style. Jumping off a crane in a carpark is a bit shit - I want to do it from a helicopter over the grand canyon.

Being a wimp, this is all rather odd. But my fear of heights is limited to ladders and anything I could easily fall off and land on something hard.

2) If you could do anything in the world for a living what would it be?

I'd own an animal rescue/rehab centre, OR be a succesful talk show host, OR be a Soap script writer, OR a children's television producer, OR a vampire hunter.

3) Your favorite fictional animal?

AMBIGUOUS QUESTION ALERT.

Do you mean an animal that doesn't really exist? If so, it'll be Dragons.

If you mean a fictional animal character, it's Basil the Great Mouse Detective. (I regard the Muppets as being real).

Actually, all the abiguity was imposed by me.

4) One person who never fails to make you laugh?

Pro Comedians aside, people tend to make me laugh through doing something stupid, or acting daft. SO: Little Eddy, Sian, McGowan, Danny Mac, Gwenno, and various people when pissed. My Grandparents also have me in stitches, because they are old, confused and slightly right wing.

There are also the people who live in my computer who make me laugh too, through the power of blogs and the Lowculture messageboard. They're all in my links.

5) When you were 12 years old what did you want to be when you grew up?

I'd realised I couldn't be a car by this age, so I think I wanted be something rich like a Lawyer. I may have wanted to act too.

6) What is the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning?

Turn over and go back to sleep, or have a sip of water. 8 glasses a day, people.

7) Have you ever gone to therapy?

Nope. Although I should probably consider the physio kind. My back shouldn't give me jip at this young age, should it?

8) If you could have one super power what would it be?

I'd love to be able to fly, or control things with my mind. OR, morph into any shape or thing.

9) Your favorite cartoon character?

Right now it's Lola, of Charlie and Lola fame.

10) Do you go to church?

Hell no. I live opposite one at home, but have never been inside in the 5 years we've been there. Back when I was younger the whole family went to church, and I was a member of the choir - though I pretty much always mimed - and was an altar boy. But then we all except my Dad stopped going, after realising that none of us actually believe and what a waste of a Sunday morning it made.

11) What is your best childhood memory?

DISNEYWORLD! 1997, on one of those rockets with my mum. OR, flying over the Grand Canyon in 2001 and one, getting all emotional and being the only passenger not throwing up. These aren't that early are they? I remember having the best ever fun putting on puppet shows and building dens with my mate Matthew.

12) Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?

Hell no. Especially for the gays - we've only had it for a few months. Although of course it is a filthy SHAM, and not real marriage at all.

13) Do you own a gun?
Fuck no! What would I need a gun for? People who own guns and aren't in some sort of constant danger are total twats. The world would be a better place if guns had never been invented. I miss Jill Dando.

14) Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?

I have a sister, so spent the first 12 years of my life hitting a member of the opposite sex. Then I learnt that I could do more harm to her with insults and cruel words, and I finally began to win our war.

15) Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people?

Never. I acted in front of 300/400 people in a couple of school plays though. Always tealing the show.

16) What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

Hair/face/weight. Not that I really pay all that attention. Though Heat magazine has trained me to look for the various imperfections that it points out in famous people - Orange Tan, Saggy Boobs, Too Thin, Too Fat, Hairy Pits, Plastic Surgery Gone Wrong etc ... When I'm especially bored, I'll also do that thing of looking at their outfit and mentally putting a large red tick or green cross next to it.

17) What is your biggest mistake?

I don't really have them. I know only dull people say "everything happens for a reason", and "you learn from your mistakes", but both are true.

18) Say something totally random about yourself.

I really miss white dog poo.

19) Has anyone ever said that you looked like a celebrity?

The Haribo kid, and I remember that website saying I looked like Hilary Duff.

:( x 2

20) What is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you?

It's hardly really romantic when girls do nice things for me, so I don't really notice it.

21) Do you actually read these when other people fill them out?

Yeah! But mainly on myspace, when they normally ask questions like "When did you last try to kill yourself?" and "Do you fancy your number 2?".

FIN.

x

Best. Dictator. Ever.

2006-10-09T20:02:00.000+01:00

You may be a nuke-crazy nutjob, capable and willing of blasting us all into next week. But after this...

... I will always love you.

x

"Who's drivin' this flyin' umbrella?"

2006-10-09T17:54:00.000+01:00

So that new Robin Hood thing started yesterday. I was very excited, because I love a bit of swordplay, heaving bussoms and that swooshing sound that an arrow makes. Therefore I was a bit miffed to find it to be "just quite good".

Now I know a lot about telly - being raised by it, along with spending the last year and a bit attending almost one third of the Film & Television Studies lectures that I'm timetabled in for - so here are 10 simple steps to make the series AMAZING:

I'm all for casting a Marian with a really massive chin, but why not axe this tiresomely feisty one and stick in the far more entertaining Nadia off Big Brother 5 instead? You could pay her in ciggies and lipgloss too.
Robin Hood worked best when Disney did it with talking animals - this was no coincidence. It would obviously be impractical and bloody pricey to replace the whole cast with a cross section of British wildlife, but I notice that Marian has no friends. SO BRING IN LADY CLUCK. She can be animatronics or Dawn French with a scottish accent, dipped in feathers. IT REALLY ISN'T ROCKET SCIENCE.
I'm sure we all agreed a while ago that every new British Drama should have Billie Piper. So find a role for her.
Put me in it too. Just for one episode. I could be Billie Piper's brother, or a tree, or resume my award winnng Year 4 role of Jesus. I won't appear semi-naked again though. That was just plain dodgy. You wouldn't get away with that directorial decision these days, Mr Francis.
Everyone was being far too restrained. I want hammy and OTT acting.
And can we have a token black person please? Being stuck in the arse hole of Wales, I miss a bit of dark skin, and it's not like I'll get it from my other television staple of Neighbours.
We don't want to see the chubby ginger friend topless. We want Robin and Will Scarlett.
Together.
Touching.
There should probably be a time and space travelling element added to the show too.

Right, producers... carry out these steps by next week please. Although you can probably be getting on with telling the Robin Hood story then, what without having to spend ages introducing all the characters.

x

CHRIST ALMIGHTY IT'S 5 IN THE MORNING, I'M MORE AWAKE THAN EVER AND SUDDENLY HAVING INTERNET IS MAKING ME BID FOR EVERY SINGLE ITEM THAT EBAY HAS.

2006-10-08T04:51:00.000+01:00

(Normal service will resume shortly. Thank you kindly sirs and madams.)

THEY DO NOT SELL ACTUAL PENGUINS ON EBAY.

EDIT:I'm not going to sleep anymore. Sleep is for the weak. And fairytale characters.

EDIT.2:I'm ganna rearrange my room.

EDIT.3: I can hear either a car alarm, or a large cricket.

EDIT.4: I've narrowed it down to a large cricket, because it keeps changing volume.

2006-09-22T22:26:00.001+01:00

Yeah, so I'm off back to Aberystwyth tomorrow in time for the new uni term. I'm not sure whether I'm happy or sad about this, but oh well. There won't be any updates for a week or so, as my flatmates and I are a bit useless and haven't even started to internet the place out yet.

I'm really tired and waking up at 6am and I'm not even close to being packed. Boo! my procrasting self.

x

Fuck me, it's terrible:

2006-09-21T18:20:00.000+01:00

Poor Girls Aloud. My nan could direct a better video, and she's blind. And dead.

Yet it still manages not to be their worst.

x

Long player.

2006-09-21T15:07:00.000+01:00

*** I actually wrote this rather mediocre post about three weeks ago, but it fell down the back of Blogger and I've only just found it. ***

Most recently I have been buying (because downloading is ILLEGAL) and listening to lots of albums. Here are some half arsed reviews:

Justin Timberlake - FUTURE SEX/ LOVE SOUNDS

- This is rather good. However, I can only really comment on the first 3 or 4 songs, because I can't seem to get past them without thinking "Christ almighty Timberlake! Stop being such an arrogant twat and going on about sex in a really dull and up your arse sort of way!". Life is just to short for such dronings, and he should have just released it as a marvellous 4 track EP. Also, it is unforgiveable to kick in a glitter ball. Tread on a baby by all means, but some things in this world are sacred.

Scissor Sisters - Ta-Dah

- What with them performing non-stop for the past week on every television and radio station in the UK, I'd actually heard most of these tracks a few times before buying. This is a solidly good album, with lots of lovely songs. However, there's very little that could be described as amazing, unlike their first album (where there are 5 such tracks). There's also not enough Ana, which is a fucking shame because she is amazing. It's probably no coincidence that the only song she sings, "Kiss You Off", is also the bestest. Other highlights include "I Don't Feel Like Dancing" and whatever the song is that sounds like it's from the Bugsy Malone soundtrack.

Scissor Sisters FACT! Ana Matronic's special fella is the brother of Dee-lite's Lady Kier.

Kylie - Body Language

- Despite owning all her singles, thanks to the Best Of that introduced me to the genius sounds of Kylie, I thought I should make attempts at beefening up my Minogue back catalogue and catching up on the gems that neer got round to release. I found this in HMV for the bargainicious price of £3.99 - probably because everybody said it was rubbish and some clever folk even starting calling it "Shoddy Language". I very much see what they did there. However, it turns out that "everyone" was mostly wrong, because this is a pretty good album, including such great tracks as "Still Standing" (one of her finest songs ever), Secret, Obsession, along with all the singles. Except Slow, because nice video aside, that was a bit rubbish and shouldn't have been the first single. This album does go rather wrong from track nine onwards, where it seems to turn into some sort of futuristic lift music. Except everybody knows that there won't be lifts in the future, and everybody will be beamed about the place like they do in Star Trek.

Kylie FACT! Just like the Queen owns all of the Swans and Sturgeon in the country, Kylie owns all of the gays in the UK and Australia. Except we all know from Neighbours that Australia does not have gays.

Kylie (again) - Impossible Princess

- The final album of her wilderness years saw her going to such terrible measures to writing songs with that miserable James Dean fella from the Manic Street Preatures, however the CD still remains suprisingly good. Brilliant Songs: Cowboy Style, Did It Again, Dreams, Limbo, The twi thirds of "Some Kind Of Bliss" before she starts singing the same line over and over and over again.

James Morrison - Undiscovered

Ooh, what a lovely gravelly voice this fella have. He sounds a bit like that throatless guy on the "Don't Smoke" adverts, who the text at the end tells us didn't get to go to his daughters wedding. I mainly got this CD because I needed a new laid back (/dull) album to listen to when I wake up at 4 am and can't get back to sleep, or when something makes me stressy and I can't find my jar of Kalms. Therefore I feel a bit cheated that it's a much more upbeat and uplifting affair than I was promised. It's all rather brilliant though, so I don't mind too much. I also had the added bonus of sticking the songs on my ipod and then giving the cd to my mum as a nice thoughtful present.

Loose(ly) Women

2006-09-19T10:27:00.000+01:00

Just in time for the new Uni term, where nobody does anything during the day, comes the return of one of my favourite day time shows - Loose Women. It's basically four women plugged into a desk for an hour, talking about current affairs, slagging off men, and scarring us all with horiffic mental images of them having sex.

It is all brilliantly awful, especially as the women are so raving. They tend to be the type who say things like "I'm not being funny/racist but..." before saying something incredibly offensive, or "I've got loads of gay friends, but I won't let them anywhere near my kids". Here is a beginners guide to the HRT Poster Girls who make up the show:

Kaye Adams

As the main presenter, Kaye is the only Loose Woman to feature everyday. She hails from the baron lands of Scotchland and constanly sits on the far left of the desk, a seating position that tends to reflect her political views.

Special Powers: Kaye has the amazing ability to say really unfunny things and still get a massive laugh from thestudent and granny filled audience. She also posseses the Kaye Adams Point (TM), which involves waving her pen about a lot when she's being serious.

Coleen Nolan

It's her! Out of the Nolan sisters! Widely regarded as Kaye's bitch, Coleen tends to just sit and have Kaye make jokes about the enormous size of her breasts - something which Kaye even did within seconds of Coleen talking about her sister being diagnosed with breast cancer. As the confused podgy one, Coleen is the LW we all feel a bit sorry for. HOWEVER, over the summer Coleen has shed nearly 3 stone through the entirely sensible means of not eating solids for 70 days. Her breasts are now smaller, she can no longer command such pity, and it remains to be seen what her purpose is anymore. Perhaps she'll have to start getting involved in the discussions instead of staring into space.

Special Powers: She was in the Nolans and is therefore responsible for one of the greatest karaoke and disco classics of all time. Coleen also holds amazing parenting powers, causing a media storm last year when she told her 16 year old son that she would gladly pay for him to visit a prostitute in Amsterdam, should he pass his GCSEs.

Carol McGiffin

Simply put - The Greatest Loose Woman of Them All. After suffering the indignity of being married to Chris Evans, Carol is forgivably very bitter about men and the world in general. She has no time for sentimentality, and spends her life staggering from bar to bar and going to places like Thailand for the weekend - a life style that accomodates the fact that she can't actually remember where she lives any more. Carol has never done a show sober, is currently single and is the Loose Women we'd all choose to be, should some sort of evil demon turn us into one, but kindly giving us the choice of which.

Special Powers - Too many to mention.

Some other Looses:

Jane McDonald - Ex cruise ship singer, loved by gays of a certain age who perhaps couldn't afford Shirley Bassey's extensive back catalogue. On special occasions Jane will sing at the end of the show, causing a power surge as all the housewives get off their fat arses to put the kettle on. Jane is brilliant and typically 'Yorkshire'.

Sherrie Hewson - Totally out of her tree. Sadly not appearing on the show that much any more, due to her mission to appear on every ITV soap going.

Terri Dwyer - "The Loose Women you'd least likely save from a burning building". One of the youngest Loose Women and certainly the most annoying. Forever talking about her dead parents, along with how ashamed she is of her fat sister.

x

Kylie: very much not dead

2006-09-18T11:49:00.000+01:00

Hooray!

These pics are taken from the new calendar (2007 - would you believe it?) of everyone's favourite Minogue sister:

And here is October's entry:

Should I end up owning this calendar, I would imagine my September running an extra 31 days longer.

x

You're both as bad as each other.

2006-09-17T18:04:00.000+01:00

So his holiness says something about Muslims being "evil and inhuman", and certain Muslims start burning effigies of the pope* and demanding his assasination. Yeah, that proves him wrong.

Goodness me, what a load of fools. Religion really is a terrible thing in the wrong hands.

Pope Benny - Just go back to slagging off the gays. We know you're a mental and really couldn't give a flying fuck.

Certain Muslims - Chillax, yeah? I've not read the Qu'ran, but I'm assured that it's much more peaceful than you're making out.

x

*I should totally rename this place that.

Here is a list of animals that it is probably not a very good idea to have sex with:

2006-09-16T10:26:00.000+01:00

Every member of the animal kingdom that isn't human.
Especially hedgehogs.

Why aren't the schools teaching this?!!

x

A very dark day.

2006-09-14T13:19:00.000+01:00

I don't really like to get personal on here, but I just needed somewhere to let this out. So here goes.

Due to a series of bad luck, my mum has been forced to turn to prostitution just to get by in life. It hates me to see her like this - she's above it and doesn't deserve it.

Well, I say "turn to prostitution", but I actually mean "appear on the new series of Strictly Come Dancing". And I say "my mum", but I actually mean "Baby Spice, Emma Bunton".

IT'S THE SAME PRINCIPAL THOUGH.

x

Tomb Raider 3: Straight to Video

2006-09-13T09:19:00.000+01:00

WARNING: Long and boring post ahead.

Having spent what feels like roughly 8 years gallavanting around Egypt, here is what I have learnt:

Egypt is very big, and full of sand. Although either side of the Nile is very green for a few metres, before suddenly going sandy.
There are not as many camels as you would expect to see in Egypt. In fact there were only about three days when I did see any. That's like going to Australia and not seeing many Kowalas, or like going to Germany and hardly seeing any shit hair styles.
Instead, donkeys are the four legged animal of choice.
The place is stupidly hot. It's like sticking your head in an oven, but in the none suicidey sense. Luxor and Aswan, where we cruised between in week 1, was never any cooller than 45 in the day.
It turns out that it is not a good idea to sunbathe in this, as I found out after a week when I was stuck in bed for two days with the worst headache of my life accompanied with fever, projectile vomitting and "runny tummy". A doctor stood me in a freezing shower for five whole minutes, before ramming a needle into each of my arse cheeks and throwing pills down my neck. I was gutted when he diagnosed sunstroke instead of something cool like Yellow Fever. Only nerds get sunstroke - he may as well have diagnosed me with diabetes and given me some thick rimmed glasses.
The sun and I are now mortal enemies, and my tan will continue to come courtesy of Johnson's Holiday Skin. It may make me look nuclear, but it doesn't make vomit and be able to shit through a straw. Unless I drank it.

Mummies are seriously scary fuckers. Although their incredible thinness makes it highly tempting to get them out of the cabinets and dress them up as posh spice.
Most houses in Egypt don't have a roof, making a balloon ride at 5 in the morning slightly pervy.
It is not very comforting to be told by your guide that the temple you are standing in was the spot where 60 tourists were massacred by terrorists 9 years ago, especially when you look around to see that the only security consists of half asleep, teenage policeman limply clutching guns twice their age.
Not all security is bad though. We were frisked before entering a super market.
The Ancient Egyptians were obsessed with their death, and would spend their whole lives preparing for it. In that respect they are similar to my Gran, who's forever telling us what hymns she wants at her funeral.
Unlike Granny King though, they spend years constructing lavish tombs which are still in great condition today. These make Valley of the Kings one of the coolest places outside of Disney World.
The pyramids are pretty damn amazing too. As is the Sphinx, though he needs a bit of work doing.
I think it's fair to say that Geldof and Bono didn't quite Make Poverty History, not in this part of Africa at least.
Egyptian driving is brutal. I'd have passed my test if I'd taken it there.
Egyptians do not walk like egyptians.
Not even slightly.
How dissapointing.
SORT IT OUT, Egypt.
There is a city in Egypt called The 6th of October, which is the shittest place name ever.
Shopping is no fun whatsoever when the owner of each and every single establishment is constantly in your face and thrusting their crap at you all the time.
Some sellers have cottoned on to fact that this hard sell is off putting, and will advertise that there shop contains no hassle. However, they tend to follow you around telling you this and shouting it at you from across the street.
On the whole though, Egyptians folk who aren't trying to flog you beads and postcards are really warm and friendly.
A Cairo Hotel is now the proud owner of my ipod charging-dock.
In a predominantly Muslim country, it is really hard to escape being woken up at quarter to five IN THE FUCKING MORNING by the wailing of the local mosque's call to prayer. Islam is not for people who "don't do mornings". This is probably why, when I ended up inside a mosque, that it was full of people asleep on the floor:

At any one time there will always be some cock having a picture of themself taken in front of the pyramids, with their hands raised in such a way so that it looks like they are holding the structures behind them.
Egypt hasn't really done anything remarkable or changed much in two thousand years.
But when it's past glories are so amazing it doesn't really have to. Egypt is therefore a bit like The Rolling Stones.
Egypt is a nice place to visit. Though once is probably enough if you see everything you want to see.

Some generic holiday snaps:

And that's that.

x

??!!?

2006-09-13T08:35:00.000+01:00

I'm guessing that the asterisk after "FREE" can be taken to mean "not really".

Oh dear.

2006-09-12T17:14:00.000+01:00

You know at the end of Mrs Doubtfire? When Mrs Doubtfire gets her own chat show?

Well I'm now watching The Sharon Osbourne Show and being reminded of that :(

Jumping on my Tutu.

2006-09-12T16:08:00.000+01:00

After travelling and sitting around in hotels and departure lounges for 24 hours (roughly 20 hours longer than I'm usually ever awake for), I was tired and groggy.

HOWEVER, hearing this brand new Girls Aloud single soon changed all that. How can they be so consistently brilliant? It's a bit unfair on the Sugababes. On first few listens it's somewhere between their 3rd and 12th best song. I'm still yet to hear the intro and ending though, since I gather they're not included on the radio rip due to Chris Moyles, everybody's favourite fat cunt, talking all over them.

Other things that I came home to find out:

Steve Irwin. Dead. Goodness me, that's a bit rubbish isn't it? And a Stingray got him in the end? That must have been one of the last animals in the entire world left to have a pop at him. Unlucky.
The Scissor Sisters getting some justice with a number one. Although everybody'll stop liking them now.
That's actually it. Must have been a slow news fortnight.

Foreign types with the hookah pipes say "Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh".

2006-08-26T14:57:00.000+01:00

Right, I'm off exploring. What with all this terrorism malarky, there's a 94% chance that I won't be coming back alive. But if I do I'll be sure to bore you all about it.

Back in 2 n' a bit weeks. Perhaps. Bye!

x

Dear Lily Allen,

2006-08-21T23:01:00.000+01:00

Stop slagging everyone off for fuck's sake. You've put me right off listening to your nice songs, and girls with moustaches shouldn't throw stones.

Gareth
x

P.S. You can finish off Peaches Geldof though. There are plenty of sick kiddies who could put her organs to far better use.

My four year old self can fuck off - I no longer want to be a car when I grow up.

2006-08-21T16:25:00.000+01:00

I am above average. FACT!

It normally takes an average of forty hours for someone to learn to drive. I've spent between 150 and 200 hours sat behind the wheel with an instructor or nervous dad, and today I managed to fail my second driving test with even more majors and minors than last time :(

It would be quite nice to not end up much more above average, because it would be a bit embarassing to take my old-age re-test when I'm 70, only a few months after qualifying. I am also fucking sick of driving, and would quite like to pass just so I can then avoid a car until I get a proper job.

x

Remember my name, FAME!

2006-08-19T14:16:00.000+01:00

Big Brother is dead.

Long live X-Factor!

Yes, the search for the next big singing sensation begins tonight at 6:50. It will of course prove fruitless, but great fun none the less.

There will be plenty of:

Sharon throwing water.
Everyone (including Louis) thinking that Louis is shit.
Fat women dressed in Kylie-sized clothes.
Sharon crying at some point.
Ugly boybands wearing vests.
Slightly mentally ill people being ridiculed in the name of entertainment.
Kate Thornton being very happy that she slept with Simon Cowell that one time.
"Well that's your opinion and you're entitled to it."
"This is my last chance to make it big."
"It means the world to me."
Shattered dreams.

Brilliant!

I wonder what this year's disability will be? I felt slightly cheated that 2005 did nothing to match the blind, stammering and morbidly obese contestants of the first X-Factor and similar series. All we had was Andy whining about being a binman and having a dead mother, not to mention Shayne's ridiculously rough family and granny-rapist dad. Here's hoping for some sort of palsy or wheelchair action this time. It's a shame BB's already exhausted the tourettes thing.

EDIT: Due to forced sociable-ness, I will not be able to watch tonight's show until tomorrow. I shall now wear black and cry a lot.

x

2006-08-19T14:15:00.000+01:00

"Last year, I was absolutely at the end of my tether with life and I had a huge visit from my mate in heaven and he showed me a spiral and at the top was heaven and the only way to remember who I was, was to go on Big Brother and win. That's the only way to find who I was."

Wash your mouth out!

2006-08-18T13:20:00.000+01:00

Oi, Fergie.

No not you - the older one.

Yes there you are. This is about your new song "London Bridge". It's very good* and all, but is there any need for the swearing?

Don't get me wrong, I fucking love a bit of cursing and swear more than anyone I know, but the radio edit's "oh snap" sounds much better - being shouted by whichever generic shouty black man you hired - than the album version's "oh shit". Also! Instead of "I don't give a fuck", you should say " I don't give a flip" in a lovely clear cut British accent. It would really add something to the theme of the song.

I like your video though. There simply isn't enough molestation of Her Majesty's guards on MTV these days. I won't point out the bridge mistake.

x

*in the most ridiculous way possible.

Leave them kids alone.

2006-08-18T13:05:00.000+01:00

Why is this sign following me around everywhere I go?!

It's in every shop window, in every paper and on every telly screen. Every fucking year it's the same, stretching from the end of July to September. Do retailers not understand that parents and kids both have the end of the 6 week holiday engraved in their minds from the moment school closes?

Despite actually leaving school last year (or 2003 if we're not counting the slightly less rubbish 6th form), I still get that horrible feeling in my stomach each time I see or hear it. Sob - there's only a few days of holiday freedom left until more PE hell, drab surroundings, teachers who hate you, and cunty classmates. I think going to school did more harm than good to my mental state. Best years of my life, I don't think so.

x

P.S. I would put this sign in Room 101, but the very brilliant (and now very dead) Linda Smith already did so a few years back. She said it was similar to having "Soon To Die" signs posted around an Old Folks' Home, which is both true and a great idea of something to do next time I'm stuck visiting my Granparents.

2006-08-17T13:20:00.000+01:00

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Right Beyonce, we've all had a good laugh. Now please fuck off forever.

x

Just a link in a chain.

2006-08-16T19:27:00.000+01:00

I finally got my head around some of that "html" bunkum the other week and gave this place a nice new links section. Since learning this language, my trousers have got a lot shorter and my voice more screechy. I get in cheaper to Sci-Fi conventions too.

Sadly I couldn't fit in all the addresses I wanted to, so here are the others:

Need to find a therapist? Try http://www.therapistfinder.com/

HANG ON A SECOND! That looks like something dodgy! You'd think that folk would think when choosing a domain name.

At least these are all clean:

http://www.whorepresents.com/

http://www.cummingfirst.com/

http://www.expertsexchange.com/

http://www.penisland.org/

http://www.childsexpress.com/

http://www.scatissue.com/

For some reason they later changed this address for the Italian Powergen website: http://www.powergenitalia.com/

x

I love The Royal Family

2006-08-15T19:37:00.000+01:00

And a big hello to The Sun lawyers.

x

"He likes me, watching him watch me all night."

2006-08-15T14:02:00.000+01:00

Bloody hell, hasn't Big Brother dragged on this year? I'm sure I was still being born when it began.

But FINALLY it's coming to an end. Not that I've watched much. Infact, I don't think I've watched a whole highlights show since the end of week 1. Oh how I long for the return of the 10pm half hour shows that meant I could actually watch the first few series without it leaching the will to live from my body.

Anywho, I do watch lots of BigBro's BigMouth, so here's a rundown of the contestants left.

Pete
- He is a very nice guy n all, but I don't think he should win just because of that and the fact that he's got tourettes. It's rubbish tourettes too - he just shouts WANKERS a lot and does a bird whistle. The sufferers in all the tourettes documentaries shout out what they're secretly thinking, like they'll see a larger woman walking down the street and end up blurting FUCKING HELL SHE'S HUGE. Now that's entertainment.

Such tourettes would have been a benefit to Pete in the house, since he's a bit of a wimp and just lets folk walk over him.

Richard
- I cannot stand this man. His constant fawning over everyone and the need to be in charge gets right on my nips. I saw a bit of Nikki's re-entry on Friday, and despite the fact that he'd been with her two minutes beforehand he had to "be the one to hold her" first, instead of her boyfriend Pete who'd been pining for her for weeks. STOP TRYING TO BE EVERYONE'S BEST FRIEND YOU SUFFOCATING, ANNOYING AND FALSE CUNT.

Jenny
- I haven't got a clue who this is. She was in the house next door, right? I hardly watched when that was all happening. Anyway, she's appeared out of nowhere and just seems to hang about a bit. Nice girl though. Hopefully she won't interfere with Richard coming sixth.

Aisleyne
- Hooray for her! Entertaining and gutsy - she's what a winner should be. Plus she has a rather fab wardrobe, didn't like Sezer and Grace, and stood up for Sam and Suzie. ALSO! Davina and Dermot don't like her, which would make brilliant interviews.

Glynn
- I dislike him as much as I do Richard, and am scared that the housewives will vote him the winner. We do NOT want another Cameron. Being simple is depressing, not endearing. He's the kid at school who thought he was a dinosaur, with Y-fronts full of skiddies and the oddest lunch box contents in the dining hall. I never want to hear his awful, awful voice again.

Nikki
- Certainly the most entertaining and unique character of the series, she's made me laugh a lot and would be my winner. However, she has no right to be back in there. She was voted out and as now knows what to do to please the public. I'm sick of seeing her hanging off Pete too.

So yes, please let Aisleyne win. I've even voted for her! I won't be too upset if it's Pete though, or even Nikki. I'll ~~be a bit gutted~~ top myself if it's Glynn. Especially as I've only been happy with half the previous BB winners (Brian, Kate and Nadia), so this year has the deciding vote.

Karma Chameleon

2006-08-15T11:10:00.000+01:00

Let's do some Maths.

Unlucky, George.

Carsafety-maaaan to the rescue!

2006-08-14T13:09:00.000+01:00

Over twenty Hampshire residents have woken up over the past few weeks to find all four of their car's tyres slashed. Placed on each person's windscreen was a note saying "Warning. You have been seen driving while using your mobile phone."

What a dude! Yes, the actions are a teensy bit drastic, but people who use their phones whilst driving are selfish cunts and needed taking down a peg or two before they turn innocents into puree. I'd quite like to be his sidekick, and help the fight whilst wearing a nice cape.

x

America's got a better tv show than us.

2006-08-12T15:41:00.000+01:00

My favourite tv shows right now:

Neighbours
Charlie & Lola
America's Got Talent
The Friday Night ( /Tuesday Night Repeat) Project
Trisha Goddard's Circus of Freaks

In fact, the only shows I'm watching right now. But hang on?! What's number 3 all about? That's not a real show!

Well not in this country anyway, which is just rubbish. It's the latest talent & humiliation show to hit the United States of America, and sees three judges and a studio audience having to watch various acts of varying brilliance. Mercifully, it's not just singers. All judges ( David "hiccup" Hasslehoff, Brandy, and that cunt Piers Morgan) have a buzzer that they can press to try and stop the act infront of them from continuing, which will happen once all three have had a press.

Here are some, sigh, YouTube clips. I should start a petition for it to be shown on ITV2 or something, but petitions never actually work, do they?

The Quick Change Artists:

The Snow White Stripper:

A Man Kicking Himself in the Head:

The World's Most Dangerous Comic:

(The follow up)

Apparently, Simon Cowell (the show's producer extroadinaire) is planning to bring it over here and wanted Posh Spice to be a judge. But she declined. Boo!

x

THERE IS A MOUSE RUNNING ABOUT THE FLOOR BENEATH ME.

2006-08-10T00:49:00.000+01:00

He is very cute n' all, but I am still scared of his fast moving nature. HE COULD SHOOT UP MY TROUSER LEG.

Also, I will be semi-orphaned if Pam sees him. She is terrified of them, and once checked into a spanish hotel because the villa we were holidaying in had one in the kitchen. He has just scurried out of this room, so I hope he's not now wandering around on her sleeping face in her room opposite.

I am taking this a lot better than I did last year when another, since sadly deceased, mouse appeared. Then I stood on a chair screaming and shouting like that fat black woman from Tom & Jerry, whilst my dad chased it around the room before it dissapeared for good.

I shall now ebay a non-killing mouse trap. When it arrives I'll tell my the ol' mna that we have a mouse, and present him with this so he doesn't have to use a mouse murdering trap. That way we all get to live happily ever after. Unless Pam sees the mouse first.

x

Oooh-weee-ooooh.

2006-08-10T00:42:00.000+01:00

Billie Piper's new hair is shit! I demand an affro. But still, this picture and press release has made me very excited.

x

B-eff-C's 100th Post!

2006-08-08T20:53:00.000+01:00

And COMING SOON: actual content!

Yes, introducing two new and exciting regular features - Room 101 and Sacred Human Relics. The former will (quite obviously) be rants regarding things that are shite and need getting rid of forever, and the latter will be semi-gushing praise of people who have made the world a better place. Please note that the criteria for this prestigious accolade will be far more "Heat magazine" than "Nobel prize". Mother Theresa shall not be rearing her wrinkly, tooth filled head.

Now of course these are being drafted in because I have nothing else to write about, and I don't want to shut up shop or turn this into a "today I went into town and went shopping and met up with Lucinda and we went to Starbucks" type blog, because that would be dull as fuck.

Collect them all.

x

P.S. I'm not really running out of things to say, but the rules of autism like similar posts to be organised together.

P.P.S. I don't actually have a friend called Lucinda. It is ever such a lovely name though, so I'm very much in the market for one.

Let's celebrate National Geri Day.

2006-08-06T18:41:00.000+01:00

Every few months or so I take a trip down memory lane and turn off into Spice Girls Avenue. This normally involves listening to a few tracks, perhaps Youtubing Spicevideos, and generally remembering how brilliant they were. Then I get all nostalgic for the 90s. Yesterday's bout of Spicemania was triggered by my decision to listen to them when I went jogging. The jogging didn't last long - after 3 minutes I soon remembered that anything faster than a walk leaves me in sharp physical pain, plus I started to worry that the field I was in contained grass snakes - but I kept listening to Spicetunes for most of the afternoon.

Once I had tired of Spice Girls Avenue, I did something I hadn't done in a long while and went down Geri Drive (a cul-de-sac, naturally). Out of all the solo spices, she certainly had the best songs. Songs in fact, that the Spices should have recorded instead of that soulless RnB-lite that plagued the Forever album. Observe:

Ginger's Top 8:

8. Calling
7. Desire
6. Mi Chico Latino
5. Lift Me Up
4. Feels Like Sex
3. Scream If You Wanna Go Faster
2. Look At Me
1. Bag It Up

Look! 8 really good songs! And I only listened to 12, so there could be lots more gems. I don't know why everyone's always slagging her off. Well it's probably because she is quite annoying, though I still like her. Anyway... here comes the spooky thing.

Today, Sunday 6th August, turns out to be Geri's ~~53rd~~ 34th birthday. Wow! Isn't that spooky? How I suddenly got the urge to listed to Geri on the urge of her birthday? Gosh! It's just so spooky! Really, really spooky. We obviously have some sort of psychic bond. SPOOKY.

So happy birthday wonderful Geri! I forgive you for leaving one of the greatest bands and reducing them to utter shite. I hope that George Michael's thrown away a nice big birthday cake for you to tuck into.

x

Very Serious Review (like they have at the back of the big newspapers)

2006-08-06T18:07:00.000+01:00

A few weeks back (sorry, I've been 'busy') my dad and I had a male bonding session. There was no hunting, shed-building, or other silly manly shit - we went to the theatre instead. I fucking love the theatre, but haven't been in ages because Aber doesn't have one. There are aways tickets knocking about for the drama department productions, but you can fuck off if you think I'm going to sit through two hours of the drama fags overacting their way through some arty play about witches, written by one of the failed-playwrite drama lecturers. I also get bored by lots of talking - a few good songs and nifty scenery is what you need. This is probably why I enjoyed Chitty Chitty Bang Bang so much.

In fact this was the second time I'd seen the stage show. Pam took me when it first opened in London a few years back. She ended up crying during the interval because she wished "every child could see this". That's why we didn't take her this time. The now added menopausal hormone madness would have probably led her to storm the stage and hug each individual cast member.

Anyway: THE REVIEW BIT

It was great fun. Everybody was good in their roles, especially the two kids. They were only about 3, yet still remembered the shitloads of songs, lines and dances perfectly - certainly putting my Year 4 portrayal of Jesus in the Junior School easter play to shame. Although I would have been far more entertaning if Jesus had a flying car too. The material let me down.

Along with the sprogs, the Child Catcher was equally well played, and I was most shocked to find out a few days later that it was none other than Curly fuckin Watts off Corrie underneath all the prosthetics. It just goes to show that he's not shit in everything.

But of course, people are a bit boring when compared to the aforementioned flying car. It really does fly! We couldn't even see the big mechanical arm this time. How magical. Along the same lines, Truely Scrumptious' amazing breasts were hypnotic.

HOWEVER, not everything was hunky dory. Some of the dancing was a bit shit, since not everyone was perfectly in time. Also, one of the sets broke down so the cast had to carry out the toy shop scene in the middle of the street set. Finally, the fact that Brian Conley was in it was a bit of a shame. He was quite good as Caractacus, but he was still Brian Conley. A disability that I fear he will never fully overcome.

I would give Chitty Chitty Bang Bang four and a quarter stars out of five.

x

I was wrong

2006-08-04T16:08:00.000+01:00

...about the new Scissor Sisters song being just quite good, because it's actually a stomper. Like a parade of spangly dancing disco elephants, marching through an enchanted party jungle. Perhaps the one featured in the Um Bongo adverts.

Here is a video to accompany it:

I would probably quite want to strangle Jake Shears, were he a person I had to tolerate in everyday life and not a celebrity living in my telly and computer boxes. Ana Matronic though, is welcome to pop round for a glass of Ribena and a Jaffa cake any day of the week.

x

Well my August is off to a good start.

2006-08-01T23:57:00.000+01:00

Birthday Wish List

2006-07-25T11:06:00.000+01:00

This Zoo.
This genius book.
A trip to this amazing theme park.
Some nice socks and pens.

Right, fuck off down the shops.

x

Robbie causes road rage.

2006-07-22T17:52:00.000+01:00

Well really! Yesterday we were in the car waiting at some traffic lights. I was sitting in the back, even though it was just me and The Pam (aka the mumster) in the car, when none other than Robbie fucking Williams taps on the front window and gets her to wind it down so he can hand her a mystery box before walking off.

Still at the traffic lights, Pam then gets in the back of the car to open her box (fnar!), which contained a rather swish mp3 phone thing, with grey headphones, all wrapped in lovely tissue paper. This pissed off the motorists behind and we all ended up having a fight on the pavement. I don't know how this all turned out, because it was a dream and I woke up. I definitely survived though since I went shopping in a later dream.

Robbie's probably been handing out presents in dreams as a way of promoting his new song Rudebox. It's a load of CG shite, but still manages to be really quite brilliant. A bit like Justin's latest. The Scissor Sisters also have a new one out, but that's just "quite good" despite being a proper song and sounding a bit like The Nolan Sisters.

See ya.

x

There's a Girls Aloud song for every occasion:

2006-07-19T20:56:00.000+01:00

That's a clever reference to the fact that it was a bit hot today.

PRESS ME

Isn't that the coolest thing ever?! And certainly not an example of scare mongering journalism. If I get bored tomorrow I plan on riding the bus around town for a few hours (with that pocket fan I got sticky taped to Smash Hits last summer) and watch all the business types get brain damage. I wonder what boiled brain smells like.

x

Stuff wot I have learnt this weekend.

2006-07-16T23:55:00.000+01:00

From my Grandparents' Visit:

Though you spend the winter of your life being a cunty grumpy bore, you snap out of this in the period that is, in life-as-a-year terms, that odd week between Christmas Day and New Years Day and become almost fun to be around. It's either dementia or simply being happy to be alive that causes this.
My family aren't as bad as I previously thought. Except my sister. She's a monster.
I want to be retired now, so I can watch Neighbours and go to Sainsbury's all day every day. And not have to bother with standing up to go to the toilet.

From my first driving lesson since last September, with scary new instructor lady:

I'm a really bad driver.
Although I now know how to stop the car without getting whiplash.
And to look in the mirrors all the time, and not just when I get in the car to check my hair.
I probably shouldn't have booked a test for 5 weeks' time.

From that Kylie interview:

Kylie is fucking great (though I actually knew this already).
Kylie is not dead and is sparklier than ever.
Kylie is better than Madonna, since Madonna is a cunt.
Cat Deeley isn't very good at interviews, although she is extra specially lovely and comes from Birmingham.
Kylie is at Wembley for a week next January. She's performing, not just watching some football. (If you are a Kylie fan and would like to go with me, please say so. My friends only like acts with guitars, greasy hair and band-referencing black t-shirts).
Cancer is bad.

In general:

Coke Zero is almost brilliant. It tastes like full-fat coke for the first second of being in your mouth, before becoming fizzy water.

The OC is good again. Well, I saw five minutes earlier where they killed off Marissa. It was done rather weakly, but Marissa! Dead! She should die in every episode.

Celebrities crying and whining about the state of Africa is just really rubbish.

Charlie and Lola are big in France.

I should watch Emmerdale, as stuff like this has been happening:

Apparently it's gone all Footballers' Wives (sob!) and Patsy Kensit was fed her own horse a few months back.

All hail the new Posh and Becks

2006-07-16T05:35:00.000+01:00

It is nice to have a larger woman as a role model for the all the young girls isn't it?

Quizzical.

2006-07-16T05:17:00.000+01:00

Yes, I can be like all the dull people on MySpace too:

Which O.C. Character Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

You scored as Kimberly Walsh. You are Kimberly! You are a sweet, kind and caring girl. Anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend. Also you have a great body and a great sense of humour!

Kimberly Walsh

63%

Sarah Harding

56%

Nadine Coyle

44%

Nicola Roberts

44%

Cheryl Tweedy

44%

Which Girls Aloud member are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Trendy. Your A Trendy

Trendy

80%

Emo

55%

Chav, Townie, Rude Boy, Ned, Kev

35%

Prepy

35%

Goth

30%

Rocker, Mosher

20%

Skater

20%

What Group Are You? Chav, Rocker, Skater, Emo, Goth, Trendy, Prepy Ect
created with QuizFarm.com

You Are 56% Evil

You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side.
Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.

How Evil Are You?

Your results:
You are Green Lantern

Green Lantern		70%
Catwoman		65%
Superman		65%
Spider-Man		65%
Supergirl		55%
Robin		52%
Batman		50%
Hulk		50%
The Flash		45%
Iron Man		40%
Wonder Woman		30%

Hot-headed. You have strong
will power and a good imagination.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

What famous lesbian are you?

You are Ellen. Everyone loves being round you as you keep the jokes coming. And your not affraid of your sexuality!
Take this quiz!

Quizilla |
Join

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

EDIT: These things are just rubbish. As well as telling me that I'm not Batman, they've fucked up my bootiful blog layout, the bastards.

EDIT SEQUEL: It's only fucked up on Internet Explorer now, but that's for fools anyway. Rebel and get Firefox.

x

My Adventure by Gareth King aged 8(een)

2006-07-12T14:31:00.000+01:00

There is show on my tellyvision called Neighbours and it is extra really brilliant. It is about what life is like in Australia. Anyway there is a bad lady in it called Izzy and she has a band. They have come on holiday to England and we had tickets to watch them sing songs.

So on tuesday after lunch I got on a red and silver train in Birmingham. It was very busy but I could move faster than the pregnant women and pensioners so I managed to get a seat. I sat next to a lady with bingo wings and a big book of SuDoku. She was very clever but had to go to the toilet twice and she smelt a bit after her first trip there. After many minutes and some seconds I got off in a place called Watford. There were lots of platforms and I was confused so I asked a lady in a stripey suit where her train was going. I said excuse me and please but she was unhelpful and quite rude but it's ok because I found a big screen that told me where to go. Another train then took me to Hemel Hempstead.

There Aunty Sian met me and made me feel safe. She has no husband but lots of cats. Aunty Sian took me to her house and made me and another boy a nice tea of fake sausages and chips and sweetcorn. I like sweetcorn because it looks like my nan's teeth. Then Aunty Sian brushed her teeth and we went back to the station and got on lots of trains. One went underground where it was dark.

We were then in a place called Shepherd's Bush but there were no sheep or Shepherds and I could only see trees. There were lots of homeless people who made me feel sad inside though. There was also an outside toilet which I looked at and the door opened and there were two women inside and one was laughing but the other one was screaming because she was sitting down with no trousers on. We went inside a building called the empire.

Inside there were lots of older boys and older girls and me and Aunty Sian bought some fizzy pop which costed lots because London is where poshrich people like Janel Ellis and the Queen live. We then made friends with a girl called Dee who had come from Australia for the night. There were some men on stage singing but they were boring.

A bit later on we stood quite near to the front. Some australian girls who had mens' bodies were angry at us because we had pushed a bit past them. We couldn't help it though because Dee wanted us to meet her friend who was at the front. Then Izzy and her friends came on and it was exciting. You could see Izzy's legs but they were very nice and made me feel funny. Aunty Sian also felt funny but that was because her fizzy pop had made her dizzy. She kept shouting things about wanting to be there "groupie". There was an old pervy man right at the very front who was looking up Izzy's pant area. I took a picture:

He had his hands in his pockets. Everybody else was waving theirs about and being happy. Izzy sung songs for nearly an hour. She sung the ones off the casette what I have which is my faourite and also that song by No Doubt that everybody sort of knows but doesn't know the name too (Hella Good). She also sung a song by an old band called Transvision Vamp. Then they all left the stage and I was sad but they were only pretending because they came back and sung a song called Voodoo Child that is very good and everyone knows because it is on the radio and they sell it in Woolworths. One of the older boys made a video of it and put it here.

It all ended and it is was past my bedtime but it was still quite early because Izzy's Band is not hardcore like Slipknot or Rooster. Although they were a bit grown up because they didn't have dancers or fireworks. I would have liked dancers and fireworks. We went round the stage door to try and lick Izzy and her friends. There were lots of nice people and the pervy man and some older boys who didn't look like they had been close to girls before. One nice older girl said she loved Izzy but I think she was mistook because she is a girl. There was a man guarding the door who wouldn't let us in. We got bored of waiting though and Sian was still dizzy and on the floor and a crazy homeless man sat by her and said words that weren't proper words to her. SO we went home, but this is what it would look like if we had met them and got Izzy's autograph:

Bye bye.

x

The Oddfather

2006-07-10T00:01:00.000+01:00

My dad has some rather strange ideas. In fact, he's a bit of a mong. When I was little he tried to stop my mum giving me Calpol when I was ill, because he thought I was developing an addiction to it. Perhaps he had visions of me breaking out of my cot at 3 in the morning to burgle and pillage the neighbourhood in order to fund my next bottle of the soul destroying substance.

More recently, he decided to build himself a mini barbeque out of wood to save him assembling the new one. Of course his wooden invention set on fire and both he and myself (who was called in to help) ended up with blisters and burns all over our hands.

But today really "takes the biscuit", since I discovered that he's taken the wooden urn that contained my Granmother's ashes for 10 years (until we decided to empty her into Lake WIndermere), drill a whole in it, nail it up a tree and use it as a fucking birdbox.

Jesus christ.

Best Before End

2006-07-04T18:35:00.000+01:00

Now as much as I like my current summertime carnation of a housewife (mostly daytime tv with a bit of sunbasking and shopping), I can't help thinking that it would probably get a bit boring to do it for the rest of my life. Obviously I'm not saying I'd prefer a job, hell fucking no, it's just that we're probably only alive once (sorry Buddhists!), so it would be a shame to squander it all on the mundane. Therefore, I have compiled a non-definitive, subject-to-change list of the stuff I'd quite like to do before I'm a bit dead.

Whatevernumberitturnsouttobe Things To Do Before I Die

1. Swim with dolphins. - Dolphins are brilliant, and that is a fact. I saw Jade Goody doing this on her Living TV reality show the other week, and it looked fucking amazing. I stupidly forgoed the chance to do this when I was in SeaWorld a few years back, for shame.

2. Sit on a jury. - Or do I mean sit "in" a jury? Hmmm, "on" does conjur up images of me taking turns to sit on 11 members of the public. Oh well, it's obvious what I mean.

3. Write my will. - And one that has a really cunty clause of the highest inheriter having to spend a night alone in a haunted house, or even better, get married, before they can have the cash. Though I doubt I'll leave anything worth such hassle.

4. Go in a shark cage.

5. Let a Jehovah's Witness (or other belief enforcing door knocker) in the house, and try and bore them into leaving.

6. Dress as a devout muslim women for the day, just to see what it's like. - I'm convinced I saw a man doing this the other day. If not, I've done a very broad shouldered and tall woman a great disservice.

7. Run the London Marathon. - Hahaha as if! No, really! I say it every year, but one year when I say it I need to spend the next year training for it. My main problem is I can run for no more than 5 minutes (and I don't want to be one of the losers / OAP's / terminally ill people who just walks it) and I run like Phoebe from Friends.

8. Be an extra in a film or long running Soap.

9. Ask a question or give out some self-righteous advice on Trisha.

10. Skydive.

11. Go on Safari and see lots of big animals. - I actually did this at Disney's Animal Kingdom, but that just took the piss. I want to do a proper one.

12. Visit Auschwitz, and be all moved and humbled.

13. Go to Glastonbury - it always looks ace when it's on the telly.

14. Visit Ancient Egypt - obviously I can't visit "ancient" Egypt in the true sense, but I mean just visit the pyramids n shit. Although:

15. Travel through time.

16. Gamble in Vegas. - Just a slot machine would do me, although it would be fun to dress as rain man and try the card counting thing. America is a backwards country that doesnt let 14 or 17 year olds gamble, so I'll have to wait until I'm over 21 and go back a third time to probably the bestest place in the world.

17. Conquer my fears of spiders, snakes, rejection and failure. - I'm getting better with the spiders, and the other day I did actually manage to start a conversation on msn (thus getting over the "they won't want to talk to me right now" rejection worry).

18. Avoid mental/properbad physical illness or extended periods of unhapiness/ unfulfillment.

19. Rescue someone from a burning building. - I'm contemplating starting the fire.

20. Mexico, Australia, China, Japan, India.

21. The whole love/settle down thing.

22. Drop a Watermelon from a tall building to watch it splat.

23. Meet the Queen/King of Britain.

24. Get fluent in a foreign language. - Possibly German, since it would be a shame to waste Frau Green's five years of teaching, although I did only get an E in it. Yeah, fuck German. Spanish is sexier. Perhaps I'll learn that. My school only ever let the special needs kids do it, so it 's easier too.

Hmmm, some of this list looks a bit pricey. Hurrah for my disposable gay income!

Stuff I'm lucky enough to already of done: fly over the Grand Canyon; Disney World; had something pierced; karaoke; drunk myself sick; done the "sights" in London, Paris, America; other stuff that I'm glad I've done but can't remember right now.

This list does all seem a bit wanky, but write your own and it'll probably be just as so. Unless you're Gareth Of The Future reading this (and you haven't died or blogger hasn't fucked up and lost all the old posts), in which case you already have a list and YOU'D BETTER BE WORKING ON IT.

x

Dear The Radio Stations of The Midlands,

2006-06-29T15:38:00.000+01:00

Cany you stop playing Kelly Clarkson? She's really very shit. It's nice that you're playing a bit of manufactured pop, but must it be the stuff that could bore a glass eye to sleep? I've heard her 4 times today and haven't even been listening to the radio much.

Whilst on the subject... that new Robbie Williams song you keep playing is really, really bad. Yes, I know that it's him out of Take That and with the quite decent back catalogue, but even that shouldn't let him get away with the 5 car pile-u that is "Sin Sin Sin". You playing it just sends the message that he can keep releasing songs written in the car on the way to the recording studio.

Please digest these thoughts.

Take care,

Gareth xx

Black is the new red and blue.

2006-06-27T23:12:00.000+01:00

Clicky here, MoFo.

Amazing.

x

Cup My Balls

2006-06-19T11:41:00.000+01:00

Twat spotting.

I'm bloody sick of all this World Cup rubbish. Why exactly am I supposed to care?

Stop saying I have to. It's only a game for Christ's sake, and not even a very exciting, glamorous or particularly challenging one at that. And making the horrid special needs kids of the past into national heroes just doesn't sit pretty with me. Especially that Wayne Rooney. Someone who looks and acts like that should not be wheeled out for every tv show and newspaper. He should be locked in a dark room and fed fish heads through a grate in the door.

I can't stand how you can't go anywhere without being confronted by St George's flags. They're not even that nice to look at - all pasty colours and BNP connotations. The worst are the ones on the cars. They look even cacker due to the cheap materials and the fact that the ends are nearly always frayed. I saw a report on the news last week that they've even partly closed down a local horse riding school for the disabled, since the horses travelling on the roadsides were being scared shitless by all the vigorous flapping as the cars drove past and were bucking out of fear. I'm not sure what type of harm being thrown off a horse can do to the already wheelchair bound, but the moral: flags are bad.

Even more irksome are the fans. If I have to hear from one more person how this is "our year" to go all the way, because "we've got the strongest team ever" and all "the signs" are the same as in 1966 - like "Geoff Hurst's nan was 68 when we won... and this year Beckham's nan is 68" - then I'll have a nervous breakdown. Or at least get bit more wound up. The worst are the people who don't even like football, but suddenly become the game's biggest fan for the national tournaments and buy lots of merchandise and pretend they know what the fuck they're on about using all the jargon.

I even missed an eppy of Neighbours last week because of it. "Oooh I won't tape it, I'll be back for the repeat" - only to find some obscure match between two made up places taking the 5:35 edition's rightful place. This is unforgiveable. Nothing comes between me and Ramsay street.

I just hope we get knocked out soon, so that everyone can shut up about it. God forbid if we actually win. They're still going on about 40 years ago.

At least one good, no - brilliant - thing has come out of all this sorry business:

Wow. Best friends forever.

x

P.S. And don't get me started on fucking Wimbledon. Or this week's thing with the Queen and all the horses.

Happy Birthday, Darlin'

2006-06-17T14:27:00.000+01:00

Application Form

2006-06-15T13:00:00.000+01:00

Dear The Doctor,

I heard this morning that your friend Rose Tyler will no longer be able to travel with you through time, space and various parts of Cardiff and Swansea, due to her being dead. This is an awful shame, and please accept my condolences.

However! Do stop crying, because this presents you with a unique new business opportunity.

It just so happens that I have very little to do over the next two years/ the rest of my life, and would love to come with you in your tardis. Reasons why I am a kickass companion for you:

- None of that "PMT" nonsense.
- I can eat virtually anything without getting sick. Perfect for all those foreign alien foods.
- I am prepared to cut down on all the swearing, thus enabling your 7pm family documentary format to stay in tact.
- I am fluent in both welsh ("Bore Dah!", "Pobol Y Cwm!", "Fuckin' English!") and cockerney ("Cor blimey!" "Shine yer shoes, guvnah?", "You ent maa muvvah!"), so will fit right into all the locations we visit.
- I can bring my Boppit Xtreme and chuffin' great music collection for all those long hours a travelling.
- Normally, when in a group of people, I'm wishing at least half of them dead. Whenever you meet new people, at least half of them tend to die. Therefore me being a horrible people-hating bastard is actually a blessing here, as I won't get all upset.
- I'll fit into Rose's clothes, thus saving you the bother of lugging all those binbags to the charity shop. I've got my eye on that red hoodie of hers, and that blue thing she wore when visitting New Earth.
- I won't get all huffy and file for sexual harassment if you try it on with me. Unless you regenerate into Bill Nighy or something.
- None of my family will really notice if I die.
- I am more qualified than anyone else for this, due to the hours I've put in practicing with my action figure of you.
- My Godfather is a black, and would be more than willing to travel with us everyone now and then to fill your ethnic minority quota, ala Mickey.
- Though I will very rarely be arsed to run, I can go up stairs three at a time, thus being the perfect opponent for the Daleks. As long as we go back before they could fly.

You can pay me in chewing gum and apples.

Best wishes,
Gareth

x

P.S. I suspect you've already been following me and know all this, since I'm sure I heard your tardis when I was in Birmingham the other week.

Well look who it is...

2006-06-13T23:21:00.000+01:00

I want to see this:

2006-06-12T20:47:00.000+01:00

... now.

Even though it probably won't be as good as the first. But if it's more of the same (Captain Jack beng funny, lots of swashbuckling, Keira Knightley's heaving femmiesacks, Orlando being pretty, general pirateyness...) then I won't be complaining. And then I want the third one in a month or so, since I just don't do deferred gratification.

Other films currently making me pant with anticipation:

Stormbreaker

Now this looks dead good, I've read two thirds of the Anthony Horowitz (my favourite author!!) book n' everything. It's really not his best.

Basically it's just James Bond for kids, which means it should be a bit more nimble and lacking the cackey sexual inuendo, which Are You Being Served? always did far better anyway.

It's set in Blighty and the cast includes Stephen Fry, Ewan McGregor, that guy who played Gollum and King Kong , along with Jimmy Carr for some reason. Plus there's him ^^^ with his lovely golden hair.

Marie Antoinette

My GCSE English course taught me two words - "juxtapositon" and "eponymous". If I wanted to look a bit clever I could use the latter to describe Kirsten Dunst's character in Sofia "quite good at making films, but still probably not as good as her dad is" Coppola's latest film. Although normally I'd say "titular", because the first three letters are like booby. Teeheehee.

It's meant to be all postmodern and have a nice contemporary soundtrack (including "I Want Candy" and stuff by The Cure), plus Antoinette seemed like an interest fella, so how can it be rubbish?

Except apparently it is, and was booed into next week at the Cannes screening. I still want to see it though, and most films are shit if we're being honest.

Superman Returns

I don't really like Superman - he's a bit nerdy/dull and Clark Kent's disguise of wearing glasses is just so rubbish that I can never get over it and tend to spend most of the time shouting "Are you fucking retarded??! Look at him!! He's quite obviously Superman!!" at all the characters too simple to work it out.

This one pretty much carries on from the other films, hence the fact that they've pretty much cast Christopher Reeve MkII. I only wanna see it because it's being directed by the genius Brian Singer, who made the first two X-Men and The Usual Suspects so ace.

Also:

Southland Tales - Director Richard Kelly's apocalypse-set follow up to the nearly perfect Donnie Darko. Early buzz suggests that it's mind blowingly awful :( It's got Sean William Scott, Sarah Michelle Gellar and The Rock in it though, so this isn't too suprising.
Babel - Palme D'Or winner starring both Brad Pitt AND Gael Garcia Bernal. Which is just really lovely.

Film geek and proud.

x

Long Hot Summer

2006-06-11T17:46:00.000+01:00

Even though I actually left over a week ago, I thought I should probably blog that the first chapter of my uni trilogy is now over forever and ever. Unless I have to redo the year. But that simply cannot happen, since it's a Film & TV course and the shame of failing such a thing would be tantamount to that of some sort of OAP date-rape scandal.

But yeah, it's been quite a good year. I've made lots of new friends, a couple of whom will probably be kicking around in my life until I or they die, and lots more who I'll probably get Christmas cards from every year and wonder if the new name since last year's is a new child or pet (I'm basing this all on my parents by the way). I'm expecting to enjoy next year more though, since I won't be in the single most rancid, uncomfortable halls in the country. Seriously - they're like the lebanese orphanages you see on Comic Relief.

My course looks set to get a lot better too by becoming more practical and less theoretical. Although a clash has led to me having to pick a replacement module (tactfully called "Bent Screens") that focuses on the potrayal of the gaymosexuals in the media :( But it was either that or Canadian Film. Plus I've picked the modules that contain no exams whatsoever. Yesssss!

So I've now got well over three months to fill back here at home. I had intended to get some sort of job to fill the days, but after a bit of a think I realised that this was quite frankly a ludicrous idea, since me wearing a uniform, being told what to do and having to be nice to people, along with the whole having to do work think, are as good a mix as White Spirit and Vodka on a night out. I'll get one next year though, honest.

Instead I plan on lying in bed and on a sunlounger and generally doing very little. I may start watching Home and Away too.

Just how will I fit it all in??!

x

The firey vortex to hell has been opened

2006-06-03T22:49:00.000+01:00

...and Paris Hilton is the saviour of pop music.

Well, her debut single - which you may or may not be able to download here - isn't the total shit-fest that you might have expected. Even though it does sound a bit like UB40. Which you wouldn't expect.

But yes! I love it!

Well done Paris, though I doubt you've even heard it.

x

PS - Do you remember last year, when Charlotte Church was the saviour of pop? Ha!

PPS - Lily Allen's probably better. But of course you already know that, 'coz lots of folk have been telling you like it's some big exclusive secret that they're so in touch for knowing about.

Gift-Wrapped Kitty Cats.

2006-05-27T01:50:00.000+01:00

We went to see Girls Aloud!

There was:

Boobies and legs. Legs more so. There was quite a bit of arse too. Obviously no crack, that would just be vulgar. But they wore short shorts.
Live singing. Ooh er... But no! They pulled it off really well. Some bits were so good that I thought they'd started to mime, only for the odd missed line to reassure me they hadn't.
Some nonsense at the very beginning involving an unconvincing mad scientist (i.e. a 20 year old dancer in a wig) "creating girls aloud". Apparently this was like Weird Science. I didn't know what that was. Dan told me off.
Cheryl Tweedy's magic debut, where she disappeared into thin air. Seriously! Debbie McGee can fuck right off.
A cover of I Predict A Riot which quite non-literally kicked the Kaiser Chiefs in their nutsacks. Even though "to borrow a pound for a bus-stop" sounds shit. Speaking of which, they actually sung "shit" during No Good Advice. How edgy.
The unsubtlety of Cheryl Tweedy - "Aww look at yas all. We love ya with all ya merchandise."
Wake Me Up hair swishing that could have had your eye out.
The realisation that I know every single word to virtuaally every Girls Aloud song.
Two girl bands as support acts. Possibly actors paid by the record company to make us appreciate The Aloud even more.
A frankly brilliantlyshit backing video for I'll Stand By You - featuring individual zoom into close-up and panning shots of each girl - where Nicola looked disabled.
Sarah totally kicking the other girls' asses in the best hair awards. Nadine had a Something-About-Mary-jizz-fringe to accompany her £3.50 Boots blonde dye job, and Kimberley had just had a bath with a toaster.
Lots of cheering from me whenever Nicola was shown.
Dancing druid monks!
Confetti! Fireworks! Shiney-bright lights! Dry ice! Catwalk! Trapdoors! Buff dancers! Lab coats!
Generally great choreography. Especially for Waiting. Although having to hold microphones meant there was no cat move during Love Machine. Sob.
A graveyard of an audience. Everybody seemed funfilled, yet still remained seated. Fools. This meant I was regulated to dancing like a quadriplegic, though I obviously got up and did the obligatory jumps during Jump. I soon sat down when I realised it was just me and the comedy gay next to me in our whole block.
A musicals medley (Fame! Flashdance! Footloose!).

There was no:

Political messages.
Songs being sung by the folk who'd written them.
Drabness.
Tawdry "let's split the audience up into two parts and see who can cheer the loadest" competition.
Life Got Cold.
Swinging London Town

Hooray x 5. Booo x 1. (Respectively.)

So all in all, it was a bit well good.

x

How can the light that burned so brightly, suddenly burn so pale?

2006-05-24T10:44:00.000+01:00

It does seem quite absurd for me to cover a second animal burial in the space of about 3 days, but I thought I should mark the passing of a member of the family. Any more though and I will have to change the name of this place to "The Pet Cemmetry".

Yes, Tonto Thebunny King - beloved pet of however many years it's been now - died yesterday of death. He passed on in his winter run surrounded by lots of grass. We don't think he suffered.

It is true that we never really saw eye to eye, after the unfortunate biting Gareth incident that led to him being left outside with the foxes all night, but only a few weeks ago we agreed to put it all behind us when I took him a bit of toast and some tasty salad.

Last night at 8:45 me and the old man gave him a non-commital burial service. Due to immense grief and the fact that it was a bit nippy out, my mum elected not to attend.

I wore black and held a candle, which the wind blew out the moment Tonts' body was placed in his grave (a nice spot in his extended summer run, where he spent many a happy sunny day). We then played, rather ironically at this point, Candle In The Wind and disbanded.

I've been to a few funerals, and of all the dead rellies I've seen buried, this was by far the most moving.

RIP Tonto a.k.a. Tonts a.k.a. Mr Bunnikins a.k.a. The Rabbit a.k.a. That Hairy Little Fucker Who Bit Me a.k.a. "Oooh you've still got Oakley?" "Oh no no no, that's Tonto. Oakley got killed by a stray dog years ago".

You will be missed.

x

Eebie Jeebies

2006-05-23T12:06:00.000+01:00

I'm about 4.

This is evident in my reading patterns, with my magazines of choice mainly being Doctor Who Adventures and whichever poprag has Girls Aloud on the front. I also came out of Waterstones the other day clutching a fresh copy of Mr Bump (coz we never found our original copy) and a Charlie & Lola sticker book, which just so happens to be my favouritest programme of the moment.

Of course this can all be attributed to an interest in childrens things (most definitely not in the aging-rockstar-panting-at-a-computer-screen sense) since they're so much cooler, simpler, funnier and generally happier than the stuff for my age group. Perhaps there's also some retardation of my mind that has stopped it progressing in some areas since reception, a bit like Michael Jackson. But again, to reiterate, I AM NOT A NONSE.

More worryingly, it has come to my attention that I'm a proper wimp. Take last night for instance. There's a programme called Supernatural, about some ridiculously fit brothers, who it's still nice to think are going at it, driving around America in an old car fighting various demons and generally scary fuckers. Despite being brilliantly-pap, I've only ever watched it twice due to its awkward scheduling. Both times however it has scared me shitless.

Last night it was about some sort of evil Doctor-witch-demon who comes through your window at night and feeds on you. As a result I had about two hours less sleep, lying in my room with a lamp on, curled up in a phoetal position so nothing could get to me. Plus when I was watching it I had to turn a light on and keep looking behind me at 30 second intervals. The same thing happened when I saw an eppy a month or so back, along with whenever I watch Crimewatch. Or when I read Voldemort-heavy chapters of Harry Potter. This isn't normal, right?

I suppose it's another reason why I should stick to pre-school shows. I'm sure it's irresponsible broadcasting though. If the TV studios are ganna keep unleashing evil threats into my paranoid mind, they could at least send the aforementioned brothers round with their big guns to protect me.

x

2006-05-22T17:36:00.000+01:00