Tomb Raider 3: Straight to Video

WARNING: Long and boring post ahead.




Having spent what feels like roughly 8 years gallavanting around Egypt, here is what I have learnt:

• Egypt is very big, and full of sand. Although either side of the Nile is very green for a few metres, before suddenly going sandy.
• There are not as many camels as you would expect to see in Egypt. In fact there were only about three days when I did see any. That's like going to Australia and not seeing many Kowalas, or like going to Germany and hardly seeing any shit hair styles.
• Instead, donkeys are the four legged animal of choice.
• The place is stupidly hot. It's like sticking your head in an oven, but in the none suicidey sense. Luxor and Aswan, where we cruised between in week 1, was never any cooller than 45 in the day.
• It turns out that it is not a good idea to sunbathe in this, as I found out after a week when I was stuck in bed for two days with the worst headache of my life accompanied with fever, projectile vomitting and "runny tummy". A doctor stood me in a freezing shower for five whole minutes, before ramming a needle into each of my arse cheeks and throwing pills down my neck. I was gutted when he diagnosed sunstroke instead of something cool like Yellow Fever. Only nerds get sunstroke - he may as well have diagnosed me with diabetes and given me some thick rimmed glasses.
• The sun and I are now mortal enemies, and my tan will continue to come courtesy of Johnson's Holiday Skin. It may make me look nuclear, but it doesn't make vomit and be able to shit through a straw. Unless I drank it.
  

• Mummies are seriously scary fuckers. Although their incredible thinness makes it highly tempting to get them out of the cabinets and dress them up as posh spice.
• Most houses in Egypt don't have a roof, making a balloon ride at 5 in the morning slightly pervy.
  
• It is not very comforting to be told by your guide that the temple you are standing in was the spot where 60 tourists were massacred by terrorists 9 years ago, especially when you look around to see that the only security consists of half asleep, teenage policeman limply clutching guns twice their age.
• Not all security is bad though. We were frisked before entering a super market.
• The Ancient Egyptians were obsessed with their death, and would spend their whole lives preparing for it. In that respect they are similar to my Gran, who's forever telling us what hymns she wants at her funeral.
• Unlike Granny King though, they spend years constructing lavish tombs which are still in great condition today. These make Valley of the Kings one of the coolest places outside of Disney World.
• The pyramids are pretty damn amazing too. As is the Sphinx, though he needs a bit of work doing.
• I think it's fair to say that Geldof and Bono didn't quite Make Poverty History, not in this part of Africa at least.
  
• Egyptian driving is brutal. I'd have passed my test if I'd taken it there.
• Egyptians do not walk like egyptians.
• Not even slightly.
  
• How dissapointing.
• SORT IT OUT, Egypt.
• There is a city in Egypt called The 6th of October, which is the shittest place name ever.
• Shopping is no fun whatsoever when the owner of each and every single establishment is constantly in your face and thrusting their crap at you all the time.
• Some sellers have cottoned on to fact that this hard sell is off putting, and will advertise that there shop contains no hassle. However, they tend to follow you around telling you this and shouting it at you from across the street.
• On the whole though, Egyptians folk who aren't trying to flog you beads and postcards are really warm and friendly.
• A Cairo Hotel is now the proud owner of my ipod charging-dock.
• In a predominantly Muslim country, it is really hard to escape being woken up at quarter to five IN THE FUCKING MORNING by the wailing of the local mosque's call to prayer. Islam is not for people who "don't do mornings". This is probably why, when I ended up inside a mosque, that it was full of people asleep on the floor:

• At any one time there will always be some cock having a picture of themself taken in front of the pyramids, with their hands raised in such a way so that it looks like they are holding the structures behind them.
• Egypt hasn't really done anything remarkable or changed much in two thousand years.
• But when it's past glories are so amazing it doesn't really have to. Egypt is therefore a bit like The Rolling Stones.
• Egypt is a nice place to visit. Though once is probably enough if you see everything you want to see.
  

Some generic holiday snaps:











And that's that.


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