Open Letters:

Dear Britney Spears,

For goodness sake love, please stop flashing us your toilet area. I'm starting to feel like your gynecologist, and it's making your new friend Paris look classy.

I find it hard to believe that one of the most famous women in the world thinks that she can get out of cars without having a lens or two knocking on her downstairs door.

You've pretty much lost all the goodwill that throwing Kevin out won you.

Yours faithfully or sincerely (whichever it is when I know your name),

Gareth

x

Dear Certain People,

It's a little bit early to have put your decorations up. They'll be looking crap and you'll be bored of them by Christmas Day, making them somewhat less special, yes?

It's also cruel to me, as I can't fucking wait for the 25th and the extra reminders of something so far away is make me die inside.


Love from,
Gareth x



P.S. Snow spray is about as classy as a KFC bargain bucket and always looks shit. Especially when you can't fit much on the window and have to settle for "MeryXmas".

And is it still an open letter if you actually send it? Because I was in a mood on Monday morning and sent this to The Sun's Victoria Newton. I feel like I'm juming on a hate powered band wagon, but it's her own fault for writing absolute rubbish and putting her email address link at the bottom.

Dear Victoria,

I'm stating the obvious here, but nobody cares and takes any notice of what you think. Have any of your painfully tedious campaigns actually worked? No, I don't think they have, have they? Your "Don't Let Westlife Get To Number One Because They Are Not Real Music Because I Am Like A 14 Year Old Boy Who Gets Angry About Stuff That Doesn't Have Guitars And Is Performed By The People Who Didn't Write It " campaign was surely evidence of this, what with it having no effect whatsoever on yesterday's album chart. Perhaps this was meant as just a bit of fun, but going on about it every day certainly made it wear pretty thin.

Perhaps instead of trying to show how powerful you are, you should just report the facts about what's going on in the showbiz world instead. Although you've not really managed that too well in the past now I come to think about it. Hmmm. Why not transfer to a job more suitable to your abilities? There's no shame working in a shop y'know, and they're always recruiting this time of year.



Best Wishes,

Gareth

P.S. RE: This Westlife Campaign - I see that you're still going on about it, this time urging your readers to buy Take That's new album. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out that it'll outsell the 'life's effort. But I suppose you know that, and think you can get away with saying that you were the reason it happened come sunday. I look forward to a "Make It Rain This April" campaign in the new year.

P.P.S. Calling them "Pestlife" is very clever. It's almost as good as you calling Lindsay Lohan, Lazy Lohan! Oh, I'm still laughing about that one.

P.P.P.S. I have tried so hard to like you, what with everyone else slagging you off. You really haven't helped yourself though.