Fuzzy Feltz

I fucking love daytime TV. It's a shame that it's only really available to students, housewives, dolescum and the bed-ridden; because when I leave the first of these groups I have no desire to join one of the others.

This past fortnight ITV have been showing Vanessa's Real Lives which has been nothing short amazing, whilst also taking the title of Britain's tackiest and cheapest show. It is better than the usual chatshows, because Vanessa doesn't get bogged down with the usual family traumas and paternity tests. Afterall, it gets a bit boring watching the inbred calling each other a slag every day. Instead, Real Live's just brings out the one freak, allowing Vanessa to either point and laugh, patronise, or berrate them, before she wanders around the audience to meet people who are similar to the chosen freak (e.g. other gerriatric pornstars), people who have been brought in especially to condemn the freak (e.g. The Christian Grannies Association), along with general audience members.

Real Live's has now finished it's trial run, but it'll hopefully be back for a proper series next year. Here were the best bits:

- Vanessa meeting a lady who is "terrified of holes".

- Vanessa meeting the man who drinks his own urine. Upon finding out that he also uses it on his skin, she asked him to rub some on his face, before smelling the area and stepping back quicky to tell him in her most disgusted voice that he "smells like a Urinal". Funny, that.

- Vanessa standing next to the tallest man in Britain, and being perfect blowjob height.

- Vannessa meeting a woman who breast feeds her 7 year old son, as well as her sister-in-law's son whenever he's at the house.

- The revelation that one of Vanessa's daughter's friend tried it on with her - "he said I was a Milf!"

- The man who eats roadkill, including dogs.

- "Coming up after the break, a woman who got over her problems by eating her placenta." I didn't see this one, but apparently Vanessa asked what wine is best to have with it.

- 39 year old identical twins, who always wear the same clothes and sleep in the same bed together each night.


I've missed you, Vanessa.


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