Dear The Doctor,
I heard this morning that your friend Rose Tyler will no longer be able to travel with you through time, space and various parts of Cardiff and Swansea, due to her being dead. This is an awful shame, and please accept my condolences.
However! Do stop crying, because this presents you with a unique new business opportunity.
It just so happens that I have very little to do over the next two years/ the rest of my life, and would love to come with you in your tardis. Reasons why I am a kickass companion for you:
- None of that "PMT" nonsense.
- I can eat virtually anything without getting sick. Perfect for all those foreign alien foods.
- I am prepared to cut down on all the swearing, thus enabling your 7pm family documentary format to stay in tact.
- I am fluent in both welsh ("Bore Dah!", "Pobol Y Cwm!", "Fuckin' English!") and cockerney ("Cor blimey!" "Shine yer shoes, guvnah?", "You ent maa muvvah!"), so will fit right into all the locations we visit.
- I can bring my Boppit Xtreme and chuffin' great music collection for all those long hours a travelling.
- Normally, when in a group of people, I'm wishing at least half of them dead. Whenever you meet new people, at least half of them tend to die. Therefore me being a horrible people-hating bastard is actually a blessing here, as I won't get all upset.
- I'll fit into Rose's clothes, thus saving you the bother of lugging all those binbags to the charity shop. I've got my eye on that red hoodie of hers, and that blue thing she wore when visitting New Earth.
- I won't get all huffy and file for sexual harassment if you try it on with me. Unless you regenerate into Bill Nighy or something.
- None of my family will really notice if I die.
- I am more qualified than anyone else for this, due to the hours I've put in practicing with my action figure of you.
- My Godfather is a black, and would be more than willing to travel with us everyone now and then to fill your ethnic minority quota, ala Mickey.
- Though I will very rarely be arsed to run, I can go up stairs three at a time, thus being the perfect opponent for the Daleks. As long as we go back before they could fly.
You can pay me in chewing gum and apples.
Best wishes,
Gareth
x
P.S. I suspect you've already been following me and know all this, since I'm sure I heard your tardis when I was in Birmingham the other week.
4 comments:
Bill Nighy can sexually harrass me any day
"Normally, when in a group of people, I'm wishing at least half of them dead."
Wow. I thought I was the only one. We're a rare breed. But whenever I actually speak/act on it I usually get weird looks, especially from my mates who do the we're-not-even-pretending-not-to-know-you-we-actually-don't-know-you look.
So I say you follow me around 24/7, so whenever I do come across one these feelings I'm not alone.
Although this'll probably end up with both of us getting these looks.
Or both of us wanting each other dead.
If only you were a dead black girl it could have been yours.
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