Quote of the Week:

"Yeah, it's nice and all... but I wish she was Kylie."

- 13 month old David Banda, on his recent adoption.

"Voice of an angel, liver of a wino."

Hmmm, I can't quite make my mind up about Charlotte Church.

On one hand, she's always slagging off Girls Aloud, boring everyone with worship of her Gav, and constantly pointing out how down to earth she is because she drinks more Vodka than Water and weekly eats the entire covering of Dr Gillian's "before" table on You Are What You Eat. She also proved to be a rather rubbish popstar.

BUT on the other hand, she still remains rather likable and unique (in the celebrity world). I also think I'd end up as her in a "What celebrity are you most like?" quiz. Plus I never get tired of hearing stories from anybody who's ever been to a club in Cardiff, about how Charlotte Church told them to fuck off.

She doesn't really know what to do with herself these days, but somehow she's been given a Friday night chatshow. I've only seen about two, but can conclude that it's not as bad as everybody (i.e. the newspapers and folk who haven't seen it) have been saying it is.

It does make the mistake of peaking too soon though, with a variation of this every week:



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Especially for U(ma)

But anyone can enjoy a bit of monkey sex, can't they?



I can't remember whose hand that is. There was such a crowd of people clamouring to take pictures you see.

(Taken at the Animalarium, the best place in Wales.)


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Running just as fast as we can.

You know when they find a cure for cancer? And the world'll unite in happiness and people will be telling strangers in the street and there'll generally be lots of hugging?

Well I'm starting to doubt that such jubilation will occur now, since today something just as good occurred, and not once has a stranger hugged me.

Yes...

GIRLS ALOUD have covered one of Tiffany's biggest hits, I Think We're Alone Now for their Greatest Hits Compilation.

Let's have a look at the Maths:

This = Really Rather Brilliant

... because it's one of the best songs of the 80's covered by the best group of the 00's.

And you can't argue with that, because it's maths. I just hope that Girls Aloud aren't going to do anything to hurt the song (such as having Nadine sing it all), in revenge for the less than kind way in which Tiff treated Love Machine on that goddawful music show a few years back:




Tiffany actually lives in my neck of the woods. I'm praying that one day she stands as local MP.


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Asking myself some difficult questions.

Lala, one of my favourite Australians (she's up there with Kylie and the Neighbours cast), has trapped me into doing this. I don't really mind, because it's all about me me me.


1) Would you bungee jump?

Yes! And I hope to one day, but only when I've got money to do it in style. Jumping off a crane in a carpark is a bit shit - I want to do it from a helicopter over the grand canyon.

Being a wimp, this is all rather odd. But my fear of heights is limited to ladders and anything I could easily fall off and land on something hard.


2) If you could do anything in the world for a living what would it be?

I'd own an animal rescue/rehab centre, OR be a succesful talk show host, OR be a Soap script writer, OR a children's television producer, OR a vampire hunter.


3) Your favorite fictional animal?

AMBIGUOUS QUESTION ALERT.

Do you mean an animal that doesn't really exist? If so, it'll be Dragons.

If you mean a fictional animal character, it's Basil the Great Mouse Detective. (I regard the Muppets as being real).


Actually, all the abiguity was imposed by me.


4) One person who never fails to make you laugh?

Pro Comedians aside, people tend to make me laugh through doing something stupid, or acting daft. SO: Little Eddy, Sian, McGowan, Danny Mac, Gwenno, and various people when pissed. My Grandparents also have me in stitches, because they are old, confused and slightly right wing.

There are also the people who live in my computer who make me laugh too, through the power of blogs and the Lowculture messageboard. They're all in my links.

5) When you were 12 years old what did you want to be when you grew up?

I'd realised I couldn't be a car by this age, so I think I wanted be something rich like a Lawyer. I may have wanted to act too.


6) What is the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning?

Turn over and go back to sleep, or have a sip of water. 8 glasses a day, people.


7) Have you ever gone to therapy?

Nope. Although I should probably consider the physio kind. My back shouldn't give me jip at this young age, should it?


8) If you could have one super power what would it be?

I'd love to be able to fly, or control things with my mind. OR, morph into any shape or thing.


9) Your favorite cartoon character?

Right now it's Lola, of Charlie and Lola fame.


10) Do you go to church?

Hell no. I live opposite one at home, but have never been inside in the 5 years we've been there. Back when I was younger the whole family went to church, and I was a member of the choir - though I pretty much always mimed - and was an altar boy. But then we all except my Dad stopped going, after realising that none of us actually believe and what a waste of a Sunday morning it made.


11) What is your best childhood memory?

DISNEYWORLD! 1997, on one of those rockets with my mum. OR, flying over the Grand Canyon in 2001 and one, getting all emotional and being the only passenger not throwing up. These aren't that early are they? I remember having the best ever fun putting on puppet shows and building dens with my mate Matthew.

12) Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?

Hell no. Especially for the gays - we've only had it for a few months. Although of course it is a filthy SHAM, and not real marriage at all.


13) Do you own a gun?
Fuck no! What would I need a gun for? People who own guns and aren't in some sort of constant danger are total twats. The world would be a better place if guns had never been invented. I miss Jill Dando.


14) Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?

I have a sister, so spent the first 12 years of my life hitting a member of the opposite sex. Then I learnt that I could do more harm to her with insults and cruel words, and I finally began to win our war.


15) Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people?

Never. I acted in front of 300/400 people in a couple of school plays though. Always tealing the show.


16) What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

Hair/face/weight. Not that I really pay all that attention. Though Heat magazine has trained me to look for the various imperfections that it points out in famous people - Orange Tan, Saggy Boobs, Too Thin, Too Fat, Hairy Pits, Plastic Surgery Gone Wrong etc ... When I'm especially bored, I'll also do that thing of looking at their outfit and mentally putting a large red tick or green cross next to it.


17) What is your biggest mistake?

I don't really have them. I know only dull people say "everything happens for a reason", and "you learn from your mistakes", but both are true.


18) Say something totally random about yourself.

I really miss white dog poo.


19) Has anyone ever said that you looked like a celebrity?

The Haribo kid, and I remember that website saying I looked like Hilary Duff.

:( x 2


20) What is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you?

It's hardly really romantic when girls do nice things for me, so I don't really notice it.


21) Do you actually read these when other people fill them out?

Yeah! But mainly on myspace, when they normally ask questions like "When did you last try to kill yourself?" and "Do you fancy your number 2?".




FIN.


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Best. Dictator. Ever.

You may be a nuke-crazy nutjob, capable and willing of blasting us all into next week. But after this...



... I will always love you.


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"Who's drivin' this flyin' umbrella?"

So that new Robin Hood thing started yesterday. I was very excited, because I love a bit of swordplay, heaving bussoms and that swooshing sound that an arrow makes. Therefore I was a bit miffed to find it to be "just quite good".

Now I know a lot about telly - being raised by it, along with spending the last year and a bit attending almost one third of the Film & Television Studies lectures that I'm timetabled in for - so here are 10 simple steps to make the series AMAZING:

1. I'm all for casting a Marian with a really massive chin, but why not axe this tiresomely feisty one and stick in the far more entertaining Nadia off Big Brother 5 instead? You could pay her in ciggies and lipgloss too.
   
2. Robin Hood worked best when Disney did it with talking animals - this was no coincidence. It would obviously be impractical and bloody pricey to replace the whole cast with a cross section of British wildlife, but I notice that Marian has no friends. SO BRING IN LADY CLUCK. She can be animatronics or Dawn French with a scottish accent, dipped in feathers. IT REALLY ISN'T ROCKET SCIENCE.
   
3. I'm sure we all agreed a while ago that every new British Drama should have Billie Piper. So find a role for her.
4. Put me in it too. Just for one episode. I could be Billie Piper's brother, or a tree, or resume my award winnng Year 4 role of Jesus. I won't appear semi-naked again though. That was just plain dodgy. You wouldn't get away with that directorial decision these days, Mr Francis.
   
5. Everyone was being far too restrained. I want hammy and OTT acting.
6. And can we have a token black person please? Being stuck in the arse hole of Wales, I miss a bit of dark skin, and it's not like I'll get it from my other television staple of Neighbours.
7. We don't want to see the chubby ginger friend topless. We want Robin and Will Scarlett.
8. Together.
9. Touching.
10. There should probably be a time and space travelling element added to the show too.

Right, producers... carry out these steps by next week please. Although you can probably be getting on with telling the Robin Hood story then, what without having to spend ages introducing all the characters.


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CHRIST ALMIGHTY IT'S 5 IN THE MORNING, I'M MORE AWAKE THAN EVER AND SUDDENLY HAVING INTERNET IS MAKING ME BID FOR EVERY SINGLE ITEM THAT EBAY HAS.

(Normal service will resume shortly. Thank you kindly sirs and madams.)



THEY DO NOT SELL ACTUAL PENGUINS ON EBAY.


EDIT:I'm not going to sleep anymore. Sleep is for the weak. And fairytale characters.


EDIT.2:I'm ganna rearrange my room.


EDIT.3: I can hear either a car alarm, or a large cricket.

EDIT.4: I've narrowed it down to a large cricket, because it keeps changing volume.