Open Letters:

Dear Britney Spears,

For goodness sake love, please stop flashing us your toilet area. I'm starting to feel like your gynecologist, and it's making your new friend Paris look classy.

I find it hard to believe that one of the most famous women in the world thinks that she can get out of cars without having a lens or two knocking on her downstairs door.

You've pretty much lost all the goodwill that throwing Kevin out won you.

Yours faithfully or sincerely (whichever it is when I know your name),

Gareth

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Dear Certain People,

It's a little bit early to have put your decorations up. They'll be looking crap and you'll be bored of them by Christmas Day, making them somewhat less special, yes?

It's also cruel to me, as I can't fucking wait for the 25th and the extra reminders of something so far away is make me die inside.


Love from,
Gareth x



P.S. Snow spray is about as classy as a KFC bargain bucket and always looks shit. Especially when you can't fit much on the window and have to settle for "MeryXmas".

And is it still an open letter if you actually send it? Because I was in a mood on Monday morning and sent this to The Sun's Victoria Newton. I feel like I'm juming on a hate powered band wagon, but it's her own fault for writing absolute rubbish and putting her email address link at the bottom.

Dear Victoria,

I'm stating the obvious here, but nobody cares and takes any notice of what you think. Have any of your painfully tedious campaigns actually worked? No, I don't think they have, have they? Your "Don't Let Westlife Get To Number One Because They Are Not Real Music Because I Am Like A 14 Year Old Boy Who Gets Angry About Stuff That Doesn't Have Guitars And Is Performed By The People Who Didn't Write It " campaign was surely evidence of this, what with it having no effect whatsoever on yesterday's album chart. Perhaps this was meant as just a bit of fun, but going on about it every day certainly made it wear pretty thin.

Perhaps instead of trying to show how powerful you are, you should just report the facts about what's going on in the showbiz world instead. Although you've not really managed that too well in the past now I come to think about it. Hmmm. Why not transfer to a job more suitable to your abilities? There's no shame working in a shop y'know, and they're always recruiting this time of year.



Best Wishes,

Gareth

P.S. RE: This Westlife Campaign - I see that you're still going on about it, this time urging your readers to buy Take That's new album. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out that it'll outsell the 'life's effort. But I suppose you know that, and think you can get away with saying that you were the reason it happened come sunday. I look forward to a "Make It Rain This April" campaign in the new year.

P.P.S. Calling them "Pestlife" is very clever. It's almost as good as you calling Lindsay Lohan, Lazy Lohan! Oh, I'm still laughing about that one.

P.P.P.S. I have tried so hard to like you, what with everyone else slagging you off. You really haven't helped yourself though.

Udpate urgeNT!!

I have just been sick on Heidi ftom the sugarababes.

It maight have just been a picture though. I blame the christians with their toASST

Girls Aloud Battle The Spirits

Oh Nicola won't like these photos.

Perhaps she'll have better luck with the ghostly types as - in what can only be The Greatest Programme Idea Of All Time - Girls Aloud have joined Britain's answer to Scooby Doo (Yvette Fielding) to take part in Most Haunted.

It's not on for another two weeks, but early reports say that

• Cheryl cries none stop
• Sarah is unfazed (but that'll be the gin)
• Nicola runs off half way through
• And Kimberley has a stone thrown at her by a ghost.
  

Nadine doesn't feature. She was probably off recording solo demo tapes and pretending to go out with tv gardeners.

All in all, this sound much better than the usual "Was that the wind? Of course not! IT WAS A GHOST! " that Most Haunted normally gives us.


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What is that I hear in the distance?

Why yes, it's the faint jingle jangle of sleigh bells - because it's nearly Christmas! There's only a month to go!

I've been feeling festive since November the first, when the start of the Christmas adverts signalled decorations to be put up inside my brain, meaning that virtually everything I think about turns into a Christmas thought.

Are you not feeling excited yet? Here are ten whole reasons why Christmas is the greatest time of the year:

1. You get presents! Lovely new things to call your own! You also get to give presents, which is often also fun in it's own way. You get to bring joy to the people you like, and drop hints to those you're not so keen on. What's this that Grandad's unwrapping? It's a deodorant gift set. How lovely.
   
2. There's some fucking great tv on. This year it's all about Doctor Who's Runaway Bride. I am literally as excited about watching that as I am about Christmas itself.
   
3. Foooood. Lot's of lovely unhealthy things to gorge upon. I'm sure last year I was actually sweating chocolate by the end of boxing day.
   
4. Everyone gets fat together! Hooray, there's no need to feel guilty or more hideously whale-like than anybody else at the end of the holiday.
   
5. Christmas music is just bloody brilliant, in a really rubbish way. No song brings any greater joy to me than one about snow and wrapping paper, accompanied with a sleigh bell filled rhythm.
   
6. People are generally nice to each other. I should probably start practicing good things to say to my monstrous sister, actually.
   
7. Unless you work in the emergency services, or for Ebeneezer scrooge, you don't have to do any work for over a week. What joy.
   
8. It is perfectly excusable to start drinking at 8 in the morning. Except I won't, because a drunken me in front of the family is a big mistake. As seen three/four years ago when I'd had a little bit to drink, and answered the phone to here "hello" from an Aunty who we only really tolerated. All excited by christmas and alcopops, I shouted "Ah no it's Aunty Hills" and put the phone down. I haven't heard from her since :(
   
9. Everything looks nicer at christmas, all clad in decorations.
   
10. It is a beautiful, poignant time to remember the birth of our Lord baby Santa Jesus and to pray for those less fortunate than us ETCETERA ETCETERA...

If you are of one of those kerazy alternative religions, like Islam or Jehovah's Witness, those were also ten reasons why you should totally convert. There's benefits to Christianity all year round too, what with not having to do anything ever and the lack of rules. Perhaps have a no-ties 14 day trial period over the festive season.

Ho ho ho.


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Election Night

It's been exactly one week since the mayoral voting began, and our candidates have been busy campaigning across the whole of Candyland, culminating in the unfortunate events of yesterday when a hungover Charlotte Church lent forward to kiss a baby but ended up spewing last night's kebab all over it.

Despite Doctors predicting that the tot's blindness will only be temporary, it may have cost Charlotte the election.


THE POLLS HAVE NOW CLOSED.


Thanks to everyone who took part.

Here is your new Mayor:

-
5
-
4
-
3
-
2
-
1
-

Heeeeeere's Dolly!


Congratulations to Mayor Parton, who'll be over to take up her new position once she's found someone to water the plants in Dollywood.


Let's have a look at the results:

(Click to enlarge.)

Those of you without a PHD in politics may wish to know that this election was hardly a landslide, with the lead actually being different whenever I remembered to check it. However the closeness of the vote, coupled with the not-so-minor fact that probably no more than 5 people visit Candyland, leads to the conclusion that Blogpoll may not have been the best voting system to use.

But c'est la vie!

Long live Mayor Dolly!


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Ooh, two YouTube posts in a row is a sure fire way to lose any sort of readership.

Yeah I know, but it's four in the morning (WHO KNEW SUCH A TIME EVEN EXISTED?!)and it's better than the big essay that I need doing in the next 9 hours, which wouldn't even be that big or difficult if I'd started it at some point in the last month and a half BUT THERE WE GO.

So let's trawl youtube for better things.

This painfully awkward interview between Joan Rivers and Brigitte Nielsen is fun:




As is Kylie duetting with Kermit the Frog:




Or what about a lovely ballad from Britains best ever dropped boyband:




Or (SOB) Geri's last ever interview as part of the Spice Girls?


Holy Mary in a wheelchair, all these selections were a bit homo weren't they?

Here is a monster truck to balance it out:




Ohh the essay hasn't gone away yet :(


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Jingle Balls

And here's another rubbish thing about the X Factor... it's totally destroyed the hallowed tradition of the Christmas Number one. This really gets on my nips, since it means we no longer get the exciting chart battles and effort made by artists to reach the top, because we all know that it'll be The X Factor winner singing something from Now That's What I Call The 50 Greatest Ballads Ever! cd. This year it's set to be "A Moment Like This", also off the telly adverts for Sandals Holiday Resorts. Fucking. Hell.

From the limited selection, here are three that should be number one instead:




It's Jordan and Peter! And it's for charity, so people can't slag it off. Well that's what they hoped at least. Personally I love it. It's got cringe value.




Aaargh. This is a single from the kid's show Lazytown. I've only seen a few episodes, but they all gave me migraines. Everyone's so happy in it, the little fuckers. I don't quite understand why either, because there's a self righteous argentinian wanker called Sporticus marching around the place and brainwashing them into eating fruit instead of sweets. I quite like the song, though only as it's christmas.




Hooray! It's The Aloud with their best cover version since Jump! And what is this I see? A video that manages to be good despite the £4.80 budget? Blimey O'Riley - it's got magic and shiney bosoms and a lovely hair/hat combo from Kimberley, so it gets my vote. This is only being released to plug the Greatest Hits album (which actually contains a rubbish, lazy version of this song), but let's hope it does better than last year's number 9 performance for their worst single ever.

My mum says that Cliff Richard is also making another attempt at the Christmas Number One slot. She went to see him on Friday night, but thought that "he was singing that one from a few years back, until he said that it was his new christmas single". High praise indeed.


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STEP AWAY FROM THE DENCH!

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EDIT: I've just seen the new Bond. It's "quite good". Paris does not feature, as she'd make a shit Miss Moneypenny (who is either on holiday in Casino Royale, or being played by a man).

Like finding a bar of gold in a pile of shite.

Hello. There is a programme on ITV called The X Factor. It lasts for over three quarters of Saturday and features lots of celebrities* singing for the public vote, with fifteen minutes of adverts between each. Every week a (usually black) person or group gets voted off, and their dreams are shattered because they'll have to get real jobs.

There is also a website on The Internet called YouTube. Once you've established the one or two X Factor Contestants that aren't really crap, you can save yourself the utter tedium of the tv show by just watching their performances online the next day. Observe:



That was Eton Road - the only capable swimmers in this year's talent pool. Handled correctly they could be the next Girls Aloud. They have the same unique and clumsy charm, as well as the tendency to swing towards the good songs and away from Westlife territory.

The star of this particular boyband is their token gay. He is called Anthony and rewrites the Token Gay In The Boyband rules in many ways, mostly through the lack of highlights and the fact that he makes no attempt to hide his terrible affliction. Someone on Lowculture described him as the lovechild of Boy George and Annie Lennox. That says it all really.

Vote Eton Road!


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*They're not celebrities when it starts, but the series goes on for so fucking long that we know them as well as the Beckhams by the midpoint.

Have I not done a post about Mika yet?

Strangely I haven't, which is a travesty.

Who is Mika?

1. He is a singing man.
2. With hair that could easily be rubbish, but isn't.
3. More importantly, he has very good songs.
4. That are brilliant and exciting.

I could go on, but that would go further down the route of making an exciting thing like Mika into something very very tedious.

Have a look at his MySpace page here, which is home to some amazing songs like the brilliant "Grace Kelly".

Popbitch first did all this at the beginning of summer, so I'm suprised that he hasn't been the Next Big Thing yet. In fact, we should be at the point now where we're all sick of him and wishing he'd fuck off and work on another album.

As it stands that'll probably happen next year, with his debut disk out in early 2007. Hurrah!


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Edit: It turns out he's on Jools Holland tonight. Hopefully it'll end up on YouTube. I can't stand Jools - there's something about him that gives me the shivers. In fact it was only a week or so back that I was having a drunken conversation with a complete stranger about how neither of us would leave him with our kids. I'm sure he's lovely though, and he's giving breaks to people like Mika which is certainly no bad thing.

"From Soho to Singapore, from the mainland to the shore."

Now that this place is simply "Candyland", a little order and tradition need to be installed in the form of our very own Mayor.

So let's have an election! Like what the grownups do!

Just like an ITV gameshow, normal people aren't good enough to take part. Let's meet the celebrity candidates:

1) Charlotte Church - Could 'ave you in a fight.
2) Sir Cliff Richard - Married to God.
3) Dame Elizabeth Taylor - Doesn't know where she is anymore.
4) Dolly Parton - Bought her hair off poor Swedish orphans.
5) Cheryl Tweedy (nee Cole) - Vera Lynn for the I-Pod Generation.

The Mayor will be needed to make the Christmas speech, along with addressing the nation in times of national emergency, such as Terrorism or Posh Spice wearing something nasty. Use your vote wisely. The poll will remain open for one week, which is enough time for all (let's be honest, 3) votes to be cast. Unlike in the real world, women are allowed to vote in this election



That was democracy, what you just felt.

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Grand Opening.

Hello and welcome to the brand new Candyland. Goodness me, what an impressive fireworks display.

But what exactly is new about the place?

Well, I'll tell you that for free:

• The name! It's three words shorter! This means that it is both easier to say and write - valuable traits should you ever need to name the place whilst breathing your final breath before death.
  
• The colour scheme! It's all blue! As well as looking a bit different, this is also a clever metaphor about The War In Iraq.
• That's it! Fuck all else has changed! Oh contraire - there are plenty of other, very subtle changes that have taken place. So subtle in fact, that they can not be seen by humans. However, there is now a chance to keep up to date with what is brilliant and what is shit, thanks to the new "Candyloves" and "Candyhates" sections on the right left. This is a definitive guide and may even be updated before the next World Cup. As promised, there will also be actual blog entries, along with new features. Tomorrow there will even be a public vote.

Wow. Could this be the most exciting thing ever?!*


So without any further ado, let's get this place open and have a look around. Celebrities were promised and celebrities we have got. After some serious string-pulling, along with the brutal hi-jacking of a minibus on the way to a Liverpool Day Care Centre, please welcome the Grandmothers of Atomic Kitten:



I'm afraid Candyland has no wheelchair access, so Jenny Frost's Nana is rather fucked.


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*THERE IS NO NEED TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION.

Coming Soon...

The All New Candyland.

(16/11/06)


Gosh. It's all so exciting.

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