Dry dreams.

Right. This has got to stop.

I tend to always have weird dreams. It's a side effect of spending 80% of my time sleeping and I'm used to it. But suddenly I'm having incredibly strange dreams about obscure laydee celebs.

It all started a month or so back when the sleeping me met Kelly Osbourne. There were a few of us sat on beanbags in a room watching episodes of The Simple Life which Kelly had burned onto disk from the internet. She was lovely and said she'd see me around.

A few days later, in what I thought was my subconscious collecting the whole family, I saw Sharon Osbourne in a play (Acorn Antiques: The Musical) whilst on a school trip. Although Sharon was actually Rula Lenska (she had at least Rula's body and hair, but it was somehow definitely Sharon).

Earlier this week I dreamt that I'd had a phone call off my mate Kayleigh to say that she'd just seen the legendary Midlands Today weather girl, Shefali Oza, buying tights in Marks & Spencer.

And then last night I had the weirdest one of the lot.

I think I was watching Finding Nemo, because it had (possibily cgi) fish and I was seeing it all through a television screen. It started with what looked like a plate of spare ribs but actually turned out to be two fish pretending to be spare ribs. They then put a sign in front of the remaining plateful of food saying it was free, and suddenly a fat version of Irene from Home & Away (!) was sat behind it, with a napkin tucked into her top and being speedily fed to food by the two fish.

This is not at all right.

I haven't even watched Home & Away for 6 years, nor thought of Irene since. I remember her as the slighty "council" lady who looked after all the spare kids. Like Susan Kennedy, but with gold hoops and on 30 a day. Apparently she's still in it.

BUT:

1. Why am I having these dreams?
2. Will they stop?
3. What do they mean?
4. And why can't I have nice dreams about buff hotties?

I'm hoping they do come to an end before it all gets out of hand and I end up waking up in a cold sweat after witnessing Janet Street-Porter doing her trick with the ping pong balls.

x