"I've just had my roots done." "Who by? Hellen Keller?"

Once upon a time there was a show called Footballers' Wives. It was full of interesting acting, mental plots, fake tan and bitchiness. It was brilliant for three series, before being quite a lot less so for two more.

Amazing things that happened in Footballers' Wives:

• A pair of breasts being set on fire.
• An hermaphrodite baby.
• A nurse having sex with a man in a coma.
• Lots of catfights.
• A swapped baby being covered with fake tan to disguise the fact that he's not actually asian.
• A dead body in a swimming pool.
• Plenty of instances where the plot demanded the cast to be in the shower.
• Death-by-vigorous-shagging-after-having-your-heart-pills -secretly-swapped-with-viagra.
• Death-by-being-knocked-off-a-building-with-a-champagne- bottle.
• Death-by-not-eating.
• Death-by-being-mistakenly-shot-with-a-rifle-by-your- teammate.
• Death-by-being-smothered-by-a-dog.
  
• A gang of triads sticking a pet dog in a curry.
• A distraught mother digging up her dead baby's grave with a champagne bucket.
• Fake tan, spiked with Acid.
• Voodoo witchdoctors.
  
• Various themed weddings (Egyptian, fairytale etc...).
• Joan Collins turning up in series 5, as a love rival to Tanya (above left), the show's greatest character.
  
• A coke addict's nose falling out.
• A hot air balloon crash landing into the lion enclosure of a safari park.

Rather excitingly, the American remake is gathering pace. Though it'll probably lack some of the cheap charm and shock value of the original series, a larger writing team might mean that it doesn't run out of steam after only 20 or so episodes. Bryan Singer has a track record of being involved with very good things, although the presence of an Ugly Betty writer makes me worry slightly.

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