Monday, February 12, 2007

"I've just had my roots done." "Who by? Hellen Keller?"


Once upon a time there was a show called Footballers' Wives. It was full of interesting acting, mental plots, fake tan and bitchiness. It was brilliant for three series, before being quite a lot less so for two more.

Amazing things that happened in Footballers' Wives:
  • A pair of breasts being set on fire.
  • An hermaphrodite baby.
  • A nurse having sex with a man in a coma.
  • Lots of catfights.
  • A swapped baby being covered with fake tan to disguise the fact that he's not actually asian.
  • A dead body in a swimming pool.
  • Plenty of instances where the plot demanded the cast to be in the shower.
  • Death-by-vigorous-shagging-after-having-your-heart-pills -secretly-swapped-with-viagra.
  • Death-by-being-knocked-off-a-building-with-a-champagne- bottle.
  • Death-by-not-eating.
  • Death-by-being-mistakenly-shot-with-a-rifle-by-your- teammate.
  • Death-by-being-smothered-by-a-dog.
  • A gang of triads sticking a pet dog in a curry.
  • A distraught mother digging up her dead baby's grave with a champagne bucket.
  • Fake tan, spiked with Acid.
  • Voodoo witchdoctors.
  • Various themed weddings (Egyptian, fairytale etc...).
  • Joan Collins turning up in series 5, as a love rival to Tanya (above left), the show's greatest character.
  • A coke addict's nose falling out.
  • A hot air balloon crash landing into the lion enclosure of a safari park.
Rather excitingly, the American remake is gathering pace. Though it'll probably lack some of the cheap charm and shock value of the original series, a larger writing team might mean that it doesn't run out of steam after only 20 or so episodes. Bryan Singer has a track record of being involved with very good things, although the presence of an Ugly Betty writer makes me worry slightly.

x

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

No no no no no no.

I don't liiiiiike American re-makes of English shows.

Did you see the Office? Trite!

If you loved Footballers Wives, you will loooove Mile High.

Lord. I sounded like one of those knock-off perfume bottles then

"If you like Stella by Stella McCartney you will LOVE Babs by Barbara Windsor!"

Gareth said...

I don't know Stella, but I would LOVE Babs by Barbara Windsor.

There's a US remake of The Vicar of Dibley on the way too, staring Kirsty Alley. I guess the casting director just assumed she'd be fat again by the time filming starts.

Boz said...

"BABS!"

It's NEW! It's EXCITING! It smells like a cat pissed on a beer towel!

Fragranced with a whiff of career loss and old mens loos.

Sorry I'm just being silly, really.

LaLa said...

Let's do it! I think we are on to something here...

Anonymous said...

Ok.

I am officially BORED of seeing that post, where arrrreee you. Have you been kidnapped by Sonia from Eastenders because she thought you were her baby from that time she had a baby?

Has Babs Windsor kidnapped you and shaved all your hair off to make a new wig?

Have you moved to LA with Posh (if so, can you fatten her up a bit? the poor love will catch her death of cold)

Miss you Gareth!

Gareth said...

I'm sorry! I'll be back soon, full of bloggy goodness.

Although! How dare you?! Sonia off Eastenders indeed! I hadn't noticed the resemblance before, but now I'm already booking in for placcy surgery.

I think Babs is going bald, to show solidarity with her good friend Britney Spears. Did you see the pics of the two of 'em out partying a few months back. Babs' bits were in much better nick than than Britney's.

Anonymous said...

oooh no... in soaps you don't have to look anything like those that you are related to!

You are much better looking than Sooooonnnnniiiiaaa. I always thought she looked a bit like Danny Devito as The Penguin in Batman, however, I digress, I await my next installment of bloggy Gareth goodness.

Boz said...

Whoa. That's so true. I shall never be able to watch 'Enders again without thinking about De Vito. Poor Sonja.

Anonymous said...

Spamfuckstick... how did that get through?

I am serious now, COME BACK

Boz said...

Where Go The Gareth??

Anonymous said...

garethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgarethgareth


**said whilst banging head on wall very rythmically**

Anonymous said...

I think his computer has eaten him. :(

Anonymous said...

oh lord.

Uma. Do you KNOW Gareth? Can you please go and like... GET him.

Boz? Please go and GET Gareth!

Boz said...

Just because I'm vaguely in the same country doesn't mean I can actually FIND him. My internets stalking isn't THAT good.

I am fearing the worst, peoples...

Anonymous said...

HE PROMISED ME A BLOG "IN A FEW WEEKS TIME"...A FEW WEEKS AGO!

I wish I could just go GET him, but my arms aren't that long I'm afraid. :(

So when was he last seen? We need to get some sort of story together to tell Dick Van Dyke. Although he'll only help if someone dies...anyone up for it?

Anonymous said...

"last seen eating deep-fried Cadbury Creme Eggs at the chippie on East Acton high-street whilst wearing fluffy bunny ears and singing Stefan Denis's first hit"

Boz said...

Halcyon times...

Uma - have you got a long stick??

Anonymous said...

Poke him.

Boz said...

Until he bursts.

Anonymous said...

If I never see this picture of the Footballers Wives ladies again it will be TOO soon.

Anonymous said...

Why is she clapping? Stoopid picture.
& to make life worse I don't have a stick. :(

Anonymous said...

Come on laddie! Stop studying and get blogging!

David said...

*sigh*

Anonymous said...

Fuck.

Well.

I am bored.

Unknown said...

i love this show i discovered it one afternoon looking for something to watch that wasnt oprah or dr. phil. boy was it ever!!! i watched every afternoon at 4 catching up and was bummed when it ended.ts

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