"He likes me, watching him watch me all night."

Bloody hell, hasn't Big Brother dragged on this year? I'm sure I was still being born when it began.

But FINALLY it's coming to an end. Not that I've watched much. Infact, I don't think I've watched a whole highlights show since the end of week 1. Oh how I long for the return of the 10pm half hour shows that meant I could actually watch the first few series without it leaching the will to live from my body.

Anywho, I do watch lots of BigBro's BigMouth, so here's a rundown of the contestants left.


Pete
- He is a very nice guy n all, but I don't think he should win just because of that and the fact that he's got tourettes. It's rubbish tourettes too - he just shouts WANKERS a lot and does a bird whistle. The sufferers in all the tourettes documentaries shout out what they're secretly thinking, like they'll see a larger woman walking down the street and end up blurting FUCKING HELL SHE'S HUGE. Now that's entertainment.

Such tourettes would have been a benefit to Pete in the house, since he's a bit of a wimp and just lets folk walk over him.


Richard
- I cannot stand this man. His constant fawning over everyone and the need to be in charge gets right on my nips. I saw a bit of Nikki's re-entry on Friday, and despite the fact that he'd been with her two minutes beforehand he had to "be the one to hold her" first, instead of her boyfriend Pete who'd been pining for her for weeks. STOP TRYING TO BE EVERYONE'S BEST FRIEND YOU SUFFOCATING, ANNOYING AND FALSE CUNT.


Jenny
- I haven't got a clue who this is. She was in the house next door, right? I hardly watched when that was all happening. Anyway, she's appeared out of nowhere and just seems to hang about a bit. Nice girl though. Hopefully she won't interfere with Richard coming sixth.


Aisleyne
- Hooray for her! Entertaining and gutsy - she's what a winner should be. Plus she has a rather fab wardrobe, didn't like Sezer and Grace, and stood up for Sam and Suzie. ALSO! Davina and Dermot don't like her, which would make brilliant interviews.


Glynn
- I dislike him as much as I do Richard, and am scared that the housewives will vote him the winner. We do NOT want another Cameron. Being simple is depressing, not endearing. He's the kid at school who thought he was a dinosaur, with Y-fronts full of skiddies and the oddest lunch box contents in the dining hall. I never want to hear his awful, awful voice again.


Nikki
- Certainly the most entertaining and unique character of the series, she's made me laugh a lot and would be my winner. However, she has no right to be back in there. She was voted out and as now knows what to do to please the public. I'm sick of seeing her hanging off Pete too.


So yes, please let Aisleyne win. I've even voted for her! I won't be too upset if it's Pete though, or even Nikki. I'll be a bit gutted top myself if it's Glynn. Especially as I've only been happy with half the previous BB winners (Brian, Kate and Nadia), so this year has the deciding vote.

Karma Chameleon

Let's do some Maths.

+

+

=

+

Unlucky, George.

Carsafety-maaaan to the rescue!

Over twenty Hampshire residents have woken up over the past few weeks to find all four of their car's tyres slashed. Placed on each person's windscreen was a note saying "Warning. You have been seen driving while using your mobile phone."


What a dude! Yes, the actions are a teensy bit drastic, but people who use their phones whilst driving are selfish cunts and needed taking down a peg or two before they turn innocents into puree. I'd quite like to be his sidekick, and help the fight whilst wearing a nice cape.


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America's got a better tv show than us.

My favourite tv shows right now:

1. Neighbours
2. Charlie & Lola
3. America's Got Talent
4. The Friday Night ( /Tuesday Night Repeat) Project
5. Trisha Goddard's Circus of Freaks
   

In fact, the only shows I'm watching right now. But hang on?! What's number 3 all about? That's not a real show!

Well not in this country anyway, which is just rubbish. It's the latest talent & humiliation show to hit the United States of America, and sees three judges and a studio audience having to watch various acts of varying brilliance. Mercifully, it's not just singers. All judges ( David "hiccup" Hasslehoff, Brandy, and that cunt Piers Morgan) have a buzzer that they can press to try and stop the act infront of them from continuing, which will happen once all three have had a press.

Here are some, sigh, YouTube clips. I should start a petition for it to be shown on ITV2 or something, but petitions never actually work, do they?


The Quick Change Artists:




The Snow White Stripper:


The World's Most Dangerous Comic:


(The follow up)



Apparently, Simon Cowell (the show's producer extroadinaire) is planning to bring it over here and wanted Posh Spice to be a judge. But she declined. Boo!


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THERE IS A MOUSE RUNNING ABOUT THE FLOOR BENEATH ME.

He is very cute n' all, but I am still scared of his fast moving nature. HE COULD SHOOT UP MY TROUSER LEG.

Also, I will be semi-orphaned if Pam sees him. She is terrified of them, and once checked into a spanish hotel because the villa we were holidaying in had one in the kitchen. He has just scurried out of this room, so I hope he's not now wandering around on her sleeping face in her room opposite.

I am taking this a lot better than I did last year when another, since sadly deceased, mouse appeared. Then I stood on a chair screaming and shouting like that fat black woman from Tom & Jerry, whilst my dad chased it around the room before it dissapeared for good.

I shall now ebay a non-killing mouse trap. When it arrives I'll tell my the ol' mna that we have a mouse, and present him with this so he doesn't have to use a mouse murdering trap. That way we all get to live happily ever after. Unless Pam sees the mouse first.


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Oooh-weee-ooooh.

Billie Piper's new hair is shit! I demand an affro. But still, this picture and press release has made me very excited.

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B-eff-C's 100th Post!

And COMING SOON: actual content!

Yes, introducing two new and exciting regular features - Room 101 and Sacred Human Relics. The former will (quite obviously) be rants regarding things that are shite and need getting rid of forever, and the latter will be semi-gushing praise of people who have made the world a better place. Please note that the criteria for this prestigious accolade will be far more "Heat magazine" than "Nobel prize". Mother Theresa shall not be rearing her wrinkly, tooth filled head.

Now of course these are being drafted in because I have nothing else to write about, and I don't want to shut up shop or turn this into a "today I went into town and went shopping and met up with Lucinda and we went to Starbucks" type blog, because that would be dull as fuck.


Collect them all.

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P.S. I'm not really running out of things to say, but the rules of autism like similar posts to be organised together.


P.P.S. I don't actually have a friend called Lucinda. It is ever such a lovely name though, so I'm very much in the market for one.

Let's celebrate National Geri Day.

Every few months or so I take a trip down memory lane and turn off into Spice Girls Avenue. This normally involves listening to a few tracks, perhaps Youtubing Spicevideos, and generally remembering how brilliant they were. Then I get all nostalgic for the 90s. Yesterday's bout of Spicemania was triggered by my decision to listen to them when I went jogging. The jogging didn't last long - after 3 minutes I soon remembered that anything faster than a walk leaves me in sharp physical pain, plus I started to worry that the field I was in contained grass snakes - but I kept listening to Spicetunes for most of the afternoon.

Once I had tired of Spice Girls Avenue, I did something I hadn't done in a long while and went down Geri Drive (a cul-de-sac, naturally). Out of all the solo spices, she certainly had the best songs. Songs in fact, that the Spices should have recorded instead of that soulless RnB-lite that plagued the Forever album. Observe:


Ginger's Top 8:

8. Calling
7. Desire
6. Mi Chico Latino
5. Lift Me Up
4. Feels Like Sex
3. Scream If You Wanna Go Faster
2. Look At Me
1. Bag It Up



Look! 8 really good songs! And I only listened to 12, so there could be lots more gems. I don't know why everyone's always slagging her off. Well it's probably because she is quite annoying, though I still like her. Anyway... here comes the spooky thing.

Today, Sunday 6th August, turns out to be Geri's 53rd 34th birthday. Wow! Isn't that spooky? How I suddenly got the urge to listed to Geri on the urge of her birthday? Gosh! It's just so spooky! Really, really spooky. We obviously have some sort of psychic bond. SPOOKY.

So happy birthday wonderful Geri! I forgive you for leaving one of the greatest bands and reducing them to utter shite. I hope that George Michael's thrown away a nice big birthday cake for you to tuck into.


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Very Serious Review (like they have at the back of the big newspapers)

A few weeks back (sorry, I've been 'busy') my dad and I had a male bonding session. There was no hunting, shed-building, or other silly manly shit - we went to the theatre instead. I fucking love the theatre, but haven't been in ages because Aber doesn't have one. There are aways tickets knocking about for the drama department productions, but you can fuck off if you think I'm going to sit through two hours of the drama fags overacting their way through some arty play about witches, written by one of the failed-playwrite drama lecturers. I also get bored by lots of talking - a few good songs and nifty scenery is what you need. This is probably why I enjoyed Chitty Chitty Bang Bang so much.

In fact this was the second time I'd seen the stage show. Pam took me when it first opened in London a few years back. She ended up crying during the interval because she wished "every child could see this". That's why we didn't take her this time. The now added menopausal hormone madness would have probably led her to storm the stage and hug each individual cast member.

Anyway: THE REVIEW BIT


It was great fun. Everybody was good in their roles, especially the two kids. They were only about 3, yet still remembered the shitloads of songs, lines and dances perfectly - certainly putting my Year 4 portrayal of Jesus in the Junior School easter play to shame. Although I would have been far more entertaning if Jesus had a flying car too. The material let me down.

Along with the sprogs, the Child Catcher was equally well played, and I was most shocked to find out a few days later that it was none other than Curly fuckin Watts off Corrie underneath all the prosthetics. It just goes to show that he's not shit in everything.

But of course, people are a bit boring when compared to the aforementioned flying car. It really does fly! We couldn't even see the big mechanical arm this time. How magical. Along the same lines, Truely Scrumptious' amazing breasts were hypnotic.

HOWEVER, not everything was hunky dory. Some of the dancing was a bit shit, since not everyone was perfectly in time. Also, one of the sets broke down so the cast had to carry out the toy shop scene in the middle of the street set. Finally, the fact that Brian Conley was in it was a bit of a shame. He was quite good as Caractacus, but he was still Brian Conley. A disability that I fear he will never fully overcome.

I would give Chitty Chitty Bang Bang four and a quarter stars out of five.


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I was wrong

...about the new Scissor Sisters song being just quite good, because it's actually a stomper. Like a parade of spangly dancing disco elephants, marching through an enchanted party jungle. Perhaps the one featured in the Um Bongo adverts.

Here is a video to accompany it:



I would probably quite want to strangle Jake Shears, were he a person I had to tolerate in everyday life and not a celebrity living in my telly and computer boxes. Ana Matronic though, is welcome to pop round for a glass of Ribena and a Jaffa cake any day of the week.

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Well my August is off to a good start.

Birthday Wish List

• This Zoo.
• This genius book.
• A trip to this amazing theme park.
• Some nice socks and pens.

Right, fuck off down the shops.

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Robbie causes road rage.

Well really! Yesterday we were in the car waiting at some traffic lights. I was sitting in the back, even though it was just me and The Pam (aka the mumster) in the car, when none other than Robbie fucking Williams taps on the front window and gets her to wind it down so he can hand her a mystery box before walking off.

Still at the traffic lights, Pam then gets in the back of the car to open her box (fnar!), which contained a rather swish mp3 phone thing, with grey headphones, all wrapped in lovely tissue paper. This pissed off the motorists behind and we all ended up having a fight on the pavement. I don't know how this all turned out, because it was a dream and I woke up. I definitely survived though since I went shopping in a later dream.

Robbie's probably been handing out presents in dreams as a way of promoting his new song Rudebox. It's a load of CG shite, but still manages to be really quite brilliant. A bit like Justin's latest. The Scissor Sisters also have a new one out, but that's just "quite good" despite being a proper song and sounding a bit like The Nolan Sisters.

See ya.

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There's a Girls Aloud song for every occasion:

That's a clever reference to the fact that it was a bit hot today.

PRESS ME

Isn't that the coolest thing ever?! And certainly not an example of scare mongering journalism. If I get bored tomorrow I plan on riding the bus around town for a few hours (with that pocket fan I got sticky taped to Smash Hits last summer) and watch all the business types get brain damage. I wonder what boiled brain smells like.

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Stuff wot I have learnt this weekend.

From my Grandparents' Visit:

• Though you spend the winter of your life being a cunty grumpy bore, you snap out of this in the period that is, in life-as-a-year terms, that odd week between Christmas Day and New Years Day and become almost fun to be around. It's either dementia or simply being happy to be alive that causes this.
  
• My family aren't as bad as I previously thought. Except my sister. She's a monster.
• I want to be retired now, so I can watch Neighbours and go to Sainsbury's all day every day. And not have to bother with standing up to go to the toilet.

From my first driving lesson since last September, with scary new instructor lady:

• I'm a really bad driver.
• Although I now know how to stop the car without getting whiplash.
• And to look in the mirrors all the time, and not just when I get in the car to check my hair.
• I probably shouldn't have booked a test for 5 weeks' time.

From that Kylie interview:

• Kylie is fucking great (though I actually knew this already).
• Kylie is not dead and is sparklier than ever.
  
• Kylie is better than Madonna, since Madonna is a cunt.
• Cat Deeley isn't very good at interviews, although she is extra specially lovely and comes from Birmingham.
• Kylie is at Wembley for a week next January. She's performing, not just watching some football. (If you are a Kylie fan and would like to go with me, please say so. My friends only like acts with guitars, greasy hair and band-referencing black t-shirts).
  
• Cancer is bad.
  

In general:

• Coke Zero is almost brilliant. It tastes like full-fat coke for the first second of being in your mouth, before becoming fizzy water.
• The OC is good again. Well, I saw five minutes earlier where they killed off Marissa. It was done rather weakly, but Marissa! Dead! She should die in every episode.
  
• Celebrities crying and whining about the state of Africa is just really rubbish.
• Charlie and Lola are big in France.
  
• I should watch Emmerdale, as stuff like this has been happening:

• Apparently it's gone all Footballers' Wives (sob!) and Patsy Kensit was fed her own horse a few months back.

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All hail the new Posh and Becks

It is nice to have a larger woman as a role model for the all the young girls isn't it?

Quizzical.

Yes, I can be like all the dull people on MySpace too:


Which O.C. Character Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

You scored as Kimberly Walsh. You are Kimberly! You are a sweet, kind and caring girl. Anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend. Also you have a great body and a great sense of humour! Kimberly Walsh 63% Sarah Harding 56% Nadine Coyle 44% Nicola Roberts 44% Cheryl Tweedy 44% Which Girls Aloud member are you? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Trendy. Your A Trendy Trendy 80% Emo 55% Chav, Townie, Rude Boy, Ned, Kev 35% Prepy 35% Goth 30% Rocker, Mosher 20% Skater 20% What Group Are You? Chav, Rocker, Skater, Emo, Goth, Trendy, Prepy Ect created with QuizFarm.com

You Are 56% Evil

You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side. Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.

How Evil Are You?

Your results:
You are Green Lantern

Green Lantern 70% Catwoman 65% Superman 65% Spider-Man 65% Supergirl 55% Robin 52% Batman 50% Hulk 50% The Flash 45% Iron Man 40% Wonder Woman 30%

Hot-headed. You have strong will power and a good imagination.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

What famous lesbian are you?

You are Ellen. Everyone loves being round you as you keep the jokes coming. And your not affraid of your sexuality!
Take this quiz!








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EDIT: These things are just rubbish. As well as telling me that I'm not Batman, they've fucked up my bootiful blog layout, the bastards.

EDIT SEQUEL: It's only fucked up on Internet Explorer now, but that's for fools anyway. Rebel and get Firefox.

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My Adventure by Gareth King aged 8(een)

There is show on my tellyvision called Neighbours and it is extra really brilliant. It is about what life is like in Australia. Anyway there is a bad lady in it called Izzy and she has a band. They have come on holiday to England and we had tickets to watch them sing songs.

So on tuesday after lunch I got on a red and silver train in Birmingham. It was very busy but I could move faster than the pregnant women and pensioners so I managed to get a seat. I sat next to a lady with bingo wings and a big book of SuDoku. She was very clever but had to go to the toilet twice and she smelt a bit after her first trip there. After many minutes and some seconds I got off in a place called Watford. There were lots of platforms and I was confused so I asked a lady in a stripey suit where her train was going. I said excuse me and please but she was unhelpful and quite rude but it's ok because I found a big screen that told me where to go. Another train then took me to Hemel Hempstead.

There Aunty Sian met me and made me feel safe. She has no husband but lots of cats. Aunty Sian took me to her house and made me and another boy a nice tea of fake sausages and chips and sweetcorn. I like sweetcorn because it looks like my nan's teeth. Then Aunty Sian brushed her teeth and we went back to the station and got on lots of trains. One went underground where it was dark.

We were then in a place called Shepherd's Bush but there were no sheep or Shepherds and I could only see trees. There were lots of homeless people who made me feel sad inside though. There was also an outside toilet which I looked at and the door opened and there were two women inside and one was laughing but the other one was screaming because she was sitting down with no trousers on. We went inside a building called the empire.

Inside there were lots of older boys and older girls and me and Aunty Sian bought some fizzy pop which costed lots because London is where poshrich people like Janel Ellis and the Queen live. We then made friends with a girl called Dee who had come from Australia for the night. There were some men on stage singing but they were boring.

A bit later on we stood quite near to the front. Some australian girls who had mens' bodies were angry at us because we had pushed a bit past them. We couldn't help it though because Dee wanted us to meet her friend who was at the front. Then Izzy and her friends came on and it was exciting. You could see Izzy's legs but they were very nice and made me feel funny. Aunty Sian also felt funny but that was because her fizzy pop had made her dizzy. She kept shouting things about wanting to be there "groupie". There was an old pervy man right at the very front who was looking up Izzy's pant area. I took a picture:



He had his hands in his pockets. Everybody else was waving theirs about and being happy. Izzy sung songs for nearly an hour. She sung the ones off the casette what I have which is my faourite and also that song by No Doubt that everybody sort of knows but doesn't know the name too (Hella Good). She also sung a song by an old band called Transvision Vamp. Then they all left the stage and I was sad but they were only pretending because they came back and sung a song called Voodoo Child that is very good and everyone knows because it is on the radio and they sell it in Woolworths. One of the older boys made a video of it and put it here.

It all ended and it is was past my bedtime but it was still quite early because Izzy's Band is not hardcore like Slipknot or Rooster. Although they were a bit grown up because they didn't have dancers or fireworks. I would have liked dancers and fireworks. We went round the stage door to try and lick Izzy and her friends. There were lots of nice people and the pervy man and some older boys who didn't look like they had been close to girls before. One nice older girl said she loved Izzy but I think she was mistook because she is a girl. There was a man guarding the door who wouldn't let us in. We got bored of waiting though and Sian was still dizzy and on the floor and a crazy homeless man sat by her and said words that weren't proper words to her. SO we went home, but this is what it would look like if we had met them and got Izzy's autograph:



Bye bye.

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The Oddfather

My dad has some rather strange ideas. In fact, he's a bit of a mong. When I was little he tried to stop my mum giving me Calpol when I was ill, because he thought I was developing an addiction to it. Perhaps he had visions of me breaking out of my cot at 3 in the morning to burgle and pillage the neighbourhood in order to fund my next bottle of the soul destroying substance.

More recently, he decided to build himself a mini barbeque out of wood to save him assembling the new one. Of course his wooden invention set on fire and both he and myself (who was called in to help) ended up with blisters and burns all over our hands.

But today really "takes the biscuit", since I discovered that he's taken the wooden urn that contained my Granmother's ashes for 10 years (until we decided to empty her into Lake WIndermere), drill a whole in it, nail it up a tree and use it as a fucking birdbox.

Jesus christ.

Best Before End

Now as much as I like my current summertime carnation of a housewife (mostly daytime tv with a bit of sunbasking and shopping), I can't help thinking that it would probably get a bit boring to do it for the rest of my life. Obviously I'm not saying I'd prefer a job, hell fucking no, it's just that we're probably only alive once (sorry Buddhists!), so it would be a shame to squander it all on the mundane. Therefore, I have compiled a non-definitive, subject-to-change list of the stuff I'd quite like to do before I'm a bit dead.

Whatevernumberitturnsouttobe Things To Do Before I Die

1. Swim with dolphins. - Dolphins are brilliant, and that is a fact. I saw Jade Goody doing this on her Living TV reality show the other week, and it looked fucking amazing. I stupidly forgoed the chance to do this when I was in SeaWorld a few years back, for shame.

2. Sit on a jury. - Or do I mean sit "in" a jury? Hmmm, "on" does conjur up images of me taking turns to sit on 11 members of the public. Oh well, it's obvious what I mean.

3. Write my will. - And one that has a really cunty clause of the highest inheriter having to spend a night alone in a haunted house, or even better, get married, before they can have the cash. Though I doubt I'll leave anything worth such hassle.

4. Go in a shark cage.

5. Let a Jehovah's Witness (or other belief enforcing door knocker) in the house, and try and bore them into leaving.

6. Dress as a devout muslim women for the day, just to see what it's like. - I'm convinced I saw a man doing this the other day. If not, I've done a very broad shouldered and tall woman a great disservice.

7. Run the London Marathon. - Hahaha as if! No, really! I say it every year, but one year when I say it I need to spend the next year training for it. My main problem is I can run for no more than 5 minutes (and I don't want to be one of the losers / OAP's / terminally ill people who just walks it) and I run like Phoebe from Friends.

8. Be an extra in a film or long running Soap.

9. Ask a question or give out some self-righteous advice on Trisha.

10. Skydive.

11. Go on Safari and see lots of big animals. - I actually did this at Disney's Animal Kingdom, but that just took the piss. I want to do a proper one.

12. Visit Auschwitz, and be all moved and humbled.

13. Go to Glastonbury - it always looks ace when it's on the telly.

14. Visit Ancient Egypt - obviously I can't visit "ancient" Egypt in the true sense, but I mean just visit the pyramids n shit. Although:

15. Travel through time.

16. Gamble in Vegas. - Just a slot machine would do me, although it would be fun to dress as rain man and try the card counting thing. America is a backwards country that doesnt let 14 or 17 year olds gamble, so I'll have to wait until I'm over 21 and go back a third time to probably the bestest place in the world.

17. Conquer my fears of spiders, snakes, rejection and failure. - I'm getting better with the spiders, and the other day I did actually manage to start a conversation on msn (thus getting over the "they won't want to talk to me right now" rejection worry).

18. Avoid mental/properbad physical illness or extended periods of unhapiness/ unfulfillment.

19. Rescue someone from a burning building. - I'm contemplating starting the fire.

20. Mexico, Australia, China, Japan, India.

21. The whole love/settle down thing.

22. Drop a Watermelon from a tall building to watch it splat.

23. Meet the Queen/King of Britain.

24. Get fluent in a foreign language. - Possibly German, since it would be a shame to waste Frau Green's five years of teaching, although I did only get an E in it. Yeah, fuck German. Spanish is sexier. Perhaps I'll learn that. My school only ever let the special needs kids do it, so it 's easier too.


Hmmm, some of this list looks a bit pricey. Hurrah for my disposable gay income!


Stuff I'm lucky enough to already of done: fly over the Grand Canyon; Disney World; had something pierced; karaoke; drunk myself sick; done the "sights" in London, Paris, America; other stuff that I'm glad I've done but can't remember right now.


This list does all seem a bit wanky, but write your own and it'll probably be just as so. Unless you're Gareth Of The Future reading this (and you haven't died or blogger hasn't fucked up and lost all the old posts), in which case you already have a list and YOU'D BETTER BE WORKING ON IT.

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