Quote of the Week:

"Yeah, it's nice and all... but I wish she was Kylie."

- 13 month old David Banda, on his recent adoption.

"Voice of an angel, liver of a wino."

Hmmm, I can't quite make my mind up about Charlotte Church.

On one hand, she's always slagging off Girls Aloud, boring everyone with worship of her Gav, and constantly pointing out how down to earth she is because she drinks more Vodka than Water and weekly eats the entire covering of Dr Gillian's "before" table on You Are What You Eat. She also proved to be a rather rubbish popstar.

BUT on the other hand, she still remains rather likable and unique (in the celebrity world). I also think I'd end up as her in a "What celebrity are you most like?" quiz. Plus I never get tired of hearing stories from anybody who's ever been to a club in Cardiff, about how Charlotte Church told them to fuck off.

She doesn't really know what to do with herself these days, but somehow she's been given a Friday night chatshow. I've only seen about two, but can conclude that it's not as bad as everybody (i.e. the newspapers and folk who haven't seen it) have been saying it is.

It does make the mistake of peaking too soon though, with a variation of this every week:



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Especially for U(ma)

But anyone can enjoy a bit of monkey sex, can't they?



I can't remember whose hand that is. There was such a crowd of people clamouring to take pictures you see.

(Taken at the Animalarium, the best place in Wales.)


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Running just as fast as we can.

You know when they find a cure for cancer? And the world'll unite in happiness and people will be telling strangers in the street and there'll generally be lots of hugging?

Well I'm starting to doubt that such jubilation will occur now, since today something just as good occurred, and not once has a stranger hugged me.

Yes...

GIRLS ALOUD have covered one of Tiffany's biggest hits, I Think We're Alone Now for their Greatest Hits Compilation.

Let's have a look at the Maths:

This = Really Rather Brilliant

... because it's one of the best songs of the 80's covered by the best group of the 00's.

And you can't argue with that, because it's maths. I just hope that Girls Aloud aren't going to do anything to hurt the song (such as having Nadine sing it all), in revenge for the less than kind way in which Tiff treated Love Machine on that goddawful music show a few years back:




Tiffany actually lives in my neck of the woods. I'm praying that one day she stands as local MP.


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Asking myself some difficult questions.

Lala, one of my favourite Australians (she's up there with Kylie and the Neighbours cast), has trapped me into doing this. I don't really mind, because it's all about me me me.


1) Would you bungee jump?

Yes! And I hope to one day, but only when I've got money to do it in style. Jumping off a crane in a carpark is a bit shit - I want to do it from a helicopter over the grand canyon.

Being a wimp, this is all rather odd. But my fear of heights is limited to ladders and anything I could easily fall off and land on something hard.


2) If you could do anything in the world for a living what would it be?

I'd own an animal rescue/rehab centre, OR be a succesful talk show host, OR be a Soap script writer, OR a children's television producer, OR a vampire hunter.


3) Your favorite fictional animal?

AMBIGUOUS QUESTION ALERT.

Do you mean an animal that doesn't really exist? If so, it'll be Dragons.

If you mean a fictional animal character, it's Basil the Great Mouse Detective. (I regard the Muppets as being real).


Actually, all the abiguity was imposed by me.


4) One person who never fails to make you laugh?

Pro Comedians aside, people tend to make me laugh through doing something stupid, or acting daft. SO: Little Eddy, Sian, McGowan, Danny Mac, Gwenno, and various people when pissed. My Grandparents also have me in stitches, because they are old, confused and slightly right wing.

There are also the people who live in my computer who make me laugh too, through the power of blogs and the Lowculture messageboard. They're all in my links.

5) When you were 12 years old what did you want to be when you grew up?

I'd realised I couldn't be a car by this age, so I think I wanted be something rich like a Lawyer. I may have wanted to act too.


6) What is the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning?

Turn over and go back to sleep, or have a sip of water. 8 glasses a day, people.


7) Have you ever gone to therapy?

Nope. Although I should probably consider the physio kind. My back shouldn't give me jip at this young age, should it?


8) If you could have one super power what would it be?

I'd love to be able to fly, or control things with my mind. OR, morph into any shape or thing.


9) Your favorite cartoon character?

Right now it's Lola, of Charlie and Lola fame.


10) Do you go to church?

Hell no. I live opposite one at home, but have never been inside in the 5 years we've been there. Back when I was younger the whole family went to church, and I was a member of the choir - though I pretty much always mimed - and was an altar boy. But then we all except my Dad stopped going, after realising that none of us actually believe and what a waste of a Sunday morning it made.


11) What is your best childhood memory?

DISNEYWORLD! 1997, on one of those rockets with my mum. OR, flying over the Grand Canyon in 2001 and one, getting all emotional and being the only passenger not throwing up. These aren't that early are they? I remember having the best ever fun putting on puppet shows and building dens with my mate Matthew.

12) Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?

Hell no. Especially for the gays - we've only had it for a few months. Although of course it is a filthy SHAM, and not real marriage at all.


13) Do you own a gun?
Fuck no! What would I need a gun for? People who own guns and aren't in some sort of constant danger are total twats. The world would be a better place if guns had never been invented. I miss Jill Dando.


14) Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?

I have a sister, so spent the first 12 years of my life hitting a member of the opposite sex. Then I learnt that I could do more harm to her with insults and cruel words, and I finally began to win our war.


15) Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people?

Never. I acted in front of 300/400 people in a couple of school plays though. Always tealing the show.


16) What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

Hair/face/weight. Not that I really pay all that attention. Though Heat magazine has trained me to look for the various imperfections that it points out in famous people - Orange Tan, Saggy Boobs, Too Thin, Too Fat, Hairy Pits, Plastic Surgery Gone Wrong etc ... When I'm especially bored, I'll also do that thing of looking at their outfit and mentally putting a large red tick or green cross next to it.


17) What is your biggest mistake?

I don't really have them. I know only dull people say "everything happens for a reason", and "you learn from your mistakes", but both are true.


18) Say something totally random about yourself.

I really miss white dog poo.


19) Has anyone ever said that you looked like a celebrity?

The Haribo kid, and I remember that website saying I looked like Hilary Duff.

:( x 2


20) What is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you?

It's hardly really romantic when girls do nice things for me, so I don't really notice it.


21) Do you actually read these when other people fill them out?

Yeah! But mainly on myspace, when they normally ask questions like "When did you last try to kill yourself?" and "Do you fancy your number 2?".




FIN.


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Best. Dictator. Ever.

You may be a nuke-crazy nutjob, capable and willing of blasting us all into next week. But after this...



... I will always love you.


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"Who's drivin' this flyin' umbrella?"

So that new Robin Hood thing started yesterday. I was very excited, because I love a bit of swordplay, heaving bussoms and that swooshing sound that an arrow makes. Therefore I was a bit miffed to find it to be "just quite good".

Now I know a lot about telly - being raised by it, along with spending the last year and a bit attending almost one third of the Film & Television Studies lectures that I'm timetabled in for - so here are 10 simple steps to make the series AMAZING:

1. I'm all for casting a Marian with a really massive chin, but why not axe this tiresomely feisty one and stick in the far more entertaining Nadia off Big Brother 5 instead? You could pay her in ciggies and lipgloss too.
   
2. Robin Hood worked best when Disney did it with talking animals - this was no coincidence. It would obviously be impractical and bloody pricey to replace the whole cast with a cross section of British wildlife, but I notice that Marian has no friends. SO BRING IN LADY CLUCK. She can be animatronics or Dawn French with a scottish accent, dipped in feathers. IT REALLY ISN'T ROCKET SCIENCE.
   
3. I'm sure we all agreed a while ago that every new British Drama should have Billie Piper. So find a role for her.
4. Put me in it too. Just for one episode. I could be Billie Piper's brother, or a tree, or resume my award winnng Year 4 role of Jesus. I won't appear semi-naked again though. That was just plain dodgy. You wouldn't get away with that directorial decision these days, Mr Francis.
   
5. Everyone was being far too restrained. I want hammy and OTT acting.
6. And can we have a token black person please? Being stuck in the arse hole of Wales, I miss a bit of dark skin, and it's not like I'll get it from my other television staple of Neighbours.
7. We don't want to see the chubby ginger friend topless. We want Robin and Will Scarlett.
8. Together.
9. Touching.
10. There should probably be a time and space travelling element added to the show too.

Right, producers... carry out these steps by next week please. Although you can probably be getting on with telling the Robin Hood story then, what without having to spend ages introducing all the characters.


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CHRIST ALMIGHTY IT'S 5 IN THE MORNING, I'M MORE AWAKE THAN EVER AND SUDDENLY HAVING INTERNET IS MAKING ME BID FOR EVERY SINGLE ITEM THAT EBAY HAS.

(Normal service will resume shortly. Thank you kindly sirs and madams.)



THEY DO NOT SELL ACTUAL PENGUINS ON EBAY.


EDIT:I'm not going to sleep anymore. Sleep is for the weak. And fairytale characters.


EDIT.2:I'm ganna rearrange my room.


EDIT.3: I can hear either a car alarm, or a large cricket.

EDIT.4: I've narrowed it down to a large cricket, because it keeps changing volume.

Yeah, so I'm off back to Aberystwyth tomorrow in time for the new uni term. I'm not sure whether I'm happy or sad about this, but oh well. There won't be any updates for a week or so, as my flatmates and I are a bit useless and haven't even started to internet the place out yet.

I'm really tired and waking up at 6am and I'm not even close to being packed. Boo! my procrasting self.

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Fuck me, it's terrible:

Poor Girls Aloud. My nan could direct a better video, and she's blind. And dead.



Yet it still manages not to be their worst.

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Long player.

*** I actually wrote this rather mediocre post about three weeks ago, but it fell down the back of Blogger and I've only just found it. ***

Most recently I have been buying (because downloading is ILLEGAL) and listening to lots of albums. Here are some half arsed reviews:














Justin Timberlake - FUTURE SEX/ LOVE SOUNDS

- This is rather good. However, I can only really comment on the first 3 or 4 songs, because I can't seem to get past them without thinking "Christ almighty Timberlake! Stop being such an arrogant twat and going on about sex in a really dull and up your arse sort of way!". Life is just to short for such dronings, and he should have just released it as a marvellous 4 track EP. Also, it is unforgiveable to kick in a glitter ball. Tread on a baby by all means, but some things in this world are sacred.















Scissor Sisters - Ta-Dah

- What with them performing non-stop for the past week on every television and radio station in the UK, I'd actually heard most of these tracks a few times before buying. This is a solidly good album, with lots of lovely songs. However, there's very little that could be described as amazing, unlike their first album (where there are 5 such tracks). There's also not enough Ana, which is a fucking shame because she is amazing. It's probably no coincidence that the only song she sings, "Kiss You Off", is also the bestest. Other highlights include "I Don't Feel Like Dancing" and whatever the song is that sounds like it's from the Bugsy Malone soundtrack.

Scissor Sisters FACT! Ana Matronic's special fella is the brother of Dee-lite's Lady Kier.














Kylie - Body Language

- Despite owning all her singles, thanks to the Best Of that introduced me to the genius sounds of Kylie, I thought I should make attempts at beefening up my Minogue back catalogue and catching up on the gems that neer got round to release. I found this in HMV for the bargainicious price of £3.99 - probably because everybody said it was rubbish and some clever folk even starting calling it "Shoddy Language". I very much see what they did there. However, it turns out that "everyone" was mostly wrong, because this is a pretty good album, including such great tracks as "Still Standing" (one of her finest songs ever), Secret, Obsession, along with all the singles. Except Slow, because nice video aside, that was a bit rubbish and shouldn't have been the first single. This album does go rather wrong from track nine onwards, where it seems to turn into some sort of futuristic lift music. Except everybody knows that there won't be lifts in the future, and everybody will be beamed about the place like they do in Star Trek.

Kylie FACT! Just like the Queen owns all of the Swans and Sturgeon in the country, Kylie owns all of the gays in the UK and Australia. Except we all know from Neighbours that Australia does not have gays.











Kylie (again) - Impossible Princess

- The final album of her wilderness years saw her going to such terrible measures to writing songs with that miserable James Dean fella from the Manic Street Preatures, however the CD still remains suprisingly good. Brilliant Songs: Cowboy Style, Did It Again, Dreams, Limbo, The twi thirds of "Some Kind Of Bliss" before she starts singing the same line over and over and over again.















James Morrison - Undiscovered

Ooh, what a lovely gravelly voice this fella have. He sounds a bit like that throatless guy on the "Don't Smoke" adverts, who the text at the end tells us didn't get to go to his daughters wedding. I mainly got this CD because I needed a new laid back (/dull) album to listen to when I wake up at 4 am and can't get back to sleep, or when something makes me stressy and I can't find my jar of Kalms. Therefore I feel a bit cheated that it's a much more upbeat and uplifting affair than I was promised. It's all rather brilliant though, so I don't mind too much. I also had the added bonus of sticking the songs on my ipod and then giving the cd to my mum as a nice thoughtful present.

Loose(ly) Women

Just in time for the new Uni term, where nobody does anything during the day, comes the return of one of my favourite day time shows - Loose Women. It's basically four women plugged into a desk for an hour, talking about current affairs, slagging off men, and scarring us all with horiffic mental images of them having sex.

It is all brilliantly awful, especially as the women are so raving. They tend to be the type who say things like "I'm not being funny/racist but..." before saying something incredibly offensive, or "I've got loads of gay friends, but I won't let them anywhere near my kids". Here is a beginners guide to the HRT Poster Girls who make up the show:

Kaye Adams

As the main presenter, Kaye is the only Loose Woman to feature everyday. She hails from the baron lands of Scotchland and constanly sits on the far left of the desk, a seating position that tends to reflect her political views.

Special Powers: Kaye has the amazing ability to say really unfunny things and still get a massive laugh from thestudent and granny filled audience. She also posseses the Kaye Adams Point (TM), which involves waving her pen about a lot when she's being serious.

Coleen Nolan

It's her! Out of the Nolan sisters! Widely regarded as Kaye's bitch, Coleen tends to just sit and have Kaye make jokes about the enormous size of her breasts - something which Kaye even did within seconds of Coleen talking about her sister being diagnosed with breast cancer. As the confused podgy one, Coleen is the LW we all feel a bit sorry for. HOWEVER, over the summer Coleen has shed nearly 3 stone through the entirely sensible means of not eating solids for 70 days. Her breasts are now smaller, she can no longer command such pity, and it remains to be seen what her purpose is anymore. Perhaps she'll have to start getting involved in the discussions instead of staring into space.

Special Powers: She was in the Nolans and is therefore responsible for one of the greatest karaoke and disco classics of all time. Coleen also holds amazing parenting powers, causing a media storm last year when she told her 16 year old son that she would gladly pay for him to visit a prostitute in Amsterdam, should he pass his GCSEs.

Carol McGiffin

Simply put - The Greatest Loose Woman of Them All. After suffering the indignity of being married to Chris Evans, Carol is forgivably very bitter about men and the world in general. She has no time for sentimentality, and spends her life staggering from bar to bar and going to places like Thailand for the weekend - a life style that accomodates the fact that she can't actually remember where she lives any more. Carol has never done a show sober, is currently single and is the Loose Women we'd all choose to be, should some sort of evil demon turn us into one, but kindly giving us the choice of which.

Special Powers - Too many to mention.


Some other Looses:

Jane McDonald - Ex cruise ship singer, loved by gays of a certain age who perhaps couldn't afford Shirley Bassey's extensive back catalogue. On special occasions Jane will sing at the end of the show, causing a power surge as all the housewives get off their fat arses to put the kettle on. Jane is brilliant and typically 'Yorkshire'.

Sherrie Hewson - Totally out of her tree. Sadly not appearing on the show that much any more, due to her mission to appear on every ITV soap going.

Terri Dwyer - "The Loose Women you'd least likely save from a burning building". One of the youngest Loose Women and certainly the most annoying. Forever talking about her dead parents, along with how ashamed she is of her fat sister.



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Kylie: very much not dead

Hooray!

These pics are taken from the new calendar (2007 - would you believe it?) of everyone's favourite Minogue sister:






And here is October's entry:


Should I end up owning this calendar, I would imagine my September running an extra 31 days longer.


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You're both as bad as each other.

So his holiness says something about Muslims being "evil and inhuman", and certain Muslims start burning effigies of the pope* and demanding his assasination. Yeah, that proves him wrong.

Goodness me, what a load of fools. Religion really is a terrible thing in the wrong hands.

Pope Benny - Just go back to slagging off the gays. We know you're a mental and really couldn't give a flying fuck.

Certain Muslims - Chillax, yeah? I've not read the Qu'ran, but I'm assured that it's much more peaceful than you're making out.


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*I should totally rename this place that.

Here is a list of animals that it is probably not a very good idea to have sex with:

• Every member of the animal kingdom that isn't human.
• Especially hedgehogs.

Why aren't the schools teaching this?!!


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A very dark day.

I don't really like to get personal on here, but I just needed somewhere to let this out. So here goes.

Due to a series of bad luck, my mum has been forced to turn to prostitution just to get by in life. It hates me to see her like this - she's above it and doesn't deserve it.

Well, I say "turn to prostitution", but I actually mean "appear on the new series of Strictly Come Dancing". And I say "my mum", but I actually mean "Baby Spice, Emma Bunton".

IT'S THE SAME PRINCIPAL THOUGH.


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Tomb Raider 3: Straight to Video

WARNING: Long and boring post ahead.




Having spent what feels like roughly 8 years gallavanting around Egypt, here is what I have learnt:

• Egypt is very big, and full of sand. Although either side of the Nile is very green for a few metres, before suddenly going sandy.
• There are not as many camels as you would expect to see in Egypt. In fact there were only about three days when I did see any. That's like going to Australia and not seeing many Kowalas, or like going to Germany and hardly seeing any shit hair styles.
• Instead, donkeys are the four legged animal of choice.
• The place is stupidly hot. It's like sticking your head in an oven, but in the none suicidey sense. Luxor and Aswan, where we cruised between in week 1, was never any cooller than 45 in the day.
• It turns out that it is not a good idea to sunbathe in this, as I found out after a week when I was stuck in bed for two days with the worst headache of my life accompanied with fever, projectile vomitting and "runny tummy". A doctor stood me in a freezing shower for five whole minutes, before ramming a needle into each of my arse cheeks and throwing pills down my neck. I was gutted when he diagnosed sunstroke instead of something cool like Yellow Fever. Only nerds get sunstroke - he may as well have diagnosed me with diabetes and given me some thick rimmed glasses.
• The sun and I are now mortal enemies, and my tan will continue to come courtesy of Johnson's Holiday Skin. It may make me look nuclear, but it doesn't make vomit and be able to shit through a straw. Unless I drank it.
  

• Mummies are seriously scary fuckers. Although their incredible thinness makes it highly tempting to get them out of the cabinets and dress them up as posh spice.
• Most houses in Egypt don't have a roof, making a balloon ride at 5 in the morning slightly pervy.
  
• It is not very comforting to be told by your guide that the temple you are standing in was the spot where 60 tourists were massacred by terrorists 9 years ago, especially when you look around to see that the only security consists of half asleep, teenage policeman limply clutching guns twice their age.
• Not all security is bad though. We were frisked before entering a super market.
• The Ancient Egyptians were obsessed with their death, and would spend their whole lives preparing for it. In that respect they are similar to my Gran, who's forever telling us what hymns she wants at her funeral.
• Unlike Granny King though, they spend years constructing lavish tombs which are still in great condition today. These make Valley of the Kings one of the coolest places outside of Disney World.
• The pyramids are pretty damn amazing too. As is the Sphinx, though he needs a bit of work doing.
• I think it's fair to say that Geldof and Bono didn't quite Make Poverty History, not in this part of Africa at least.
  
• Egyptian driving is brutal. I'd have passed my test if I'd taken it there.
• Egyptians do not walk like egyptians.
• Not even slightly.
  
• How dissapointing.
• SORT IT OUT, Egypt.
• There is a city in Egypt called The 6th of October, which is the shittest place name ever.
• Shopping is no fun whatsoever when the owner of each and every single establishment is constantly in your face and thrusting their crap at you all the time.
• Some sellers have cottoned on to fact that this hard sell is off putting, and will advertise that there shop contains no hassle. However, they tend to follow you around telling you this and shouting it at you from across the street.
• On the whole though, Egyptians folk who aren't trying to flog you beads and postcards are really warm and friendly.
• A Cairo Hotel is now the proud owner of my ipod charging-dock.
• In a predominantly Muslim country, it is really hard to escape being woken up at quarter to five IN THE FUCKING MORNING by the wailing of the local mosque's call to prayer. Islam is not for people who "don't do mornings". This is probably why, when I ended up inside a mosque, that it was full of people asleep on the floor:

• At any one time there will always be some cock having a picture of themself taken in front of the pyramids, with their hands raised in such a way so that it looks like they are holding the structures behind them.
• Egypt hasn't really done anything remarkable or changed much in two thousand years.
• But when it's past glories are so amazing it doesn't really have to. Egypt is therefore a bit like The Rolling Stones.
• Egypt is a nice place to visit. Though once is probably enough if you see everything you want to see.
  

Some generic holiday snaps:











And that's that.


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??!!?

I'm guessing that the asterisk after "FREE" can be taken to mean "not really".

Oh dear.

You know at the end of Mrs Doubtfire? When Mrs Doubtfire gets her own chat show?

Well I'm now watching The Sharon Osbourne Show and being reminded of that :(

Jumping on my Tutu.

After travelling and sitting around in hotels and departure lounges for 24 hours (roughly 20 hours longer than I'm usually ever awake for), I was tired and groggy.

HOWEVER, hearing this brand new Girls Aloud single soon changed all that. How can they be so consistently brilliant? It's a bit unfair on the Sugababes. On first few listens it's somewhere between their 3rd and 12th best song. I'm still yet to hear the intro and ending though, since I gather they're not included on the radio rip due to Chris Moyles, everybody's favourite fat cunt, talking all over them.


Other things that I came home to find out:

• Steve Irwin. Dead. Goodness me, that's a bit rubbish isn't it? And a Stingray got him in the end? That must have been one of the last animals in the entire world left to have a pop at him. Unlucky.
• The Scissor Sisters getting some justice with a number one. Although everybody'll stop liking them now.
• That's actually it. Must have been a slow news fortnight.

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