Bird flu schmird flu. My life is currently underthreat from a different animal danger.
I haven't seen a single spider since last August. Being severely scared of the spindly fastmoving deathlords, you may think that this is a good thing. I did too until recently. But then I realised...
This is far too good to be true.
There's aproximately gazillions of spiders in this world, and for me not to run into (and subsequently away from) one in 8 months in frankly absurd.
They've changed tactics. After realising that one of them running across my bed when I pull back the duvet is not enough to destroy me (and only make me scream like a girl and spend the night in a spare room), the spiders have retreated to gather together an army big enough to wipe out mankind. Thousands of them will soon march through our cities, making the streets run red with blood and, y'know, covering the place in unsightly cobwebs.
I urge the government to drop everything and act now. The dead swan was obviously just a spider planted decoy.
Personally, I'll make sure that my trusty spider catcher* is never out of reach. And I'm hoping that the secret spider army hq is not inside of me, perhaps as the result of all the ones that I've swallowed in my sleep getting jiggy. It's one of my major fears to start coughing up spiders.
Do not dismiss these as the paranoid rants of an unstable boy. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
x
*Honestly, it's not a sex toy.
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4 comments:
*shudders*
Oh My Good God Fucking Dear.
Je deteste l'araignée!
I hate how we're all meant to eat 8 spiders in our lifetime. Even if its just an average, it probably means we eat at least one. :(
I could rant about spiders forever.
I swear they come and find me...*shudders again*
If you ever declare war on them, you can count on me to squish them to their lonely, horrific, deadly death...mwah ha ha.
This is, seriously, as evil as I get.
Unless you're killing old people/kids. But I'll leave that for another day...
Do you actually kill them?
I can't bring myself to do it (though in a war I'd have to). The last time I killed one I felt reeeaaally bad for days, coz I kept imagining its family. I only killed him/her out of pure fear, and didn't have time to get the catcher without it running under my bed to come out another time.
The thing that scares me most about the swallowing them when we sleep thing, is the chance of waking up at 3 in the morning with one in your mouth.
Oh God. No I'm gonna wake up every five minutes checking my mouth for spiders. Cheers for that.
Nah, I can't kill them. I avoid the room for a couple of days in hope of someone else killing them, or it going back home.
My two fears in life: Spiders & Ghosts.
If I killed a spider, I'd have a spider-ghost after me. I don't even wanna think about that. :(
I don't think a ghost spider would shit me up so much. Obviously, I'd still soil myself, but my main fear of spiders is them crawling over me.
There's been a few times these last few weeks where I've thought I've seen a ghost moving, briefly, out of the corner of my eye. It;s well scary. But this may just be a stray hair from my fringe.
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