Yeah, so I'm off back to Aberystwyth tomorrow in time for the new uni term. I'm not sure whether I'm happy or sad about this, but oh well. There won't be any updates for a week or so, as my flatmates and I are a bit useless and haven't even started to internet the place out yet.

I'm really tired and waking up at 6am and I'm not even close to being packed. Boo! my procrasting self.

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Fuck me, it's terrible:

Poor Girls Aloud. My nan could direct a better video, and she's blind. And dead.



Yet it still manages not to be their worst.

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Long player.

*** I actually wrote this rather mediocre post about three weeks ago, but it fell down the back of Blogger and I've only just found it. ***

Most recently I have been buying (because downloading is ILLEGAL) and listening to lots of albums. Here are some half arsed reviews:














Justin Timberlake - FUTURE SEX/ LOVE SOUNDS

- This is rather good. However, I can only really comment on the first 3 or 4 songs, because I can't seem to get past them without thinking "Christ almighty Timberlake! Stop being such an arrogant twat and going on about sex in a really dull and up your arse sort of way!". Life is just to short for such dronings, and he should have just released it as a marvellous 4 track EP. Also, it is unforgiveable to kick in a glitter ball. Tread on a baby by all means, but some things in this world are sacred.















Scissor Sisters - Ta-Dah

- What with them performing non-stop for the past week on every television and radio station in the UK, I'd actually heard most of these tracks a few times before buying. This is a solidly good album, with lots of lovely songs. However, there's very little that could be described as amazing, unlike their first album (where there are 5 such tracks). There's also not enough Ana, which is a fucking shame because she is amazing. It's probably no coincidence that the only song she sings, "Kiss You Off", is also the bestest. Other highlights include "I Don't Feel Like Dancing" and whatever the song is that sounds like it's from the Bugsy Malone soundtrack.

Scissor Sisters FACT! Ana Matronic's special fella is the brother of Dee-lite's Lady Kier.














Kylie - Body Language

- Despite owning all her singles, thanks to the Best Of that introduced me to the genius sounds of Kylie, I thought I should make attempts at beefening up my Minogue back catalogue and catching up on the gems that neer got round to release. I found this in HMV for the bargainicious price of £3.99 - probably because everybody said it was rubbish and some clever folk even starting calling it "Shoddy Language". I very much see what they did there. However, it turns out that "everyone" was mostly wrong, because this is a pretty good album, including such great tracks as "Still Standing" (one of her finest songs ever), Secret, Obsession, along with all the singles. Except Slow, because nice video aside, that was a bit rubbish and shouldn't have been the first single. This album does go rather wrong from track nine onwards, where it seems to turn into some sort of futuristic lift music. Except everybody knows that there won't be lifts in the future, and everybody will be beamed about the place like they do in Star Trek.

Kylie FACT! Just like the Queen owns all of the Swans and Sturgeon in the country, Kylie owns all of the gays in the UK and Australia. Except we all know from Neighbours that Australia does not have gays.











Kylie (again) - Impossible Princess

- The final album of her wilderness years saw her going to such terrible measures to writing songs with that miserable James Dean fella from the Manic Street Preatures, however the CD still remains suprisingly good. Brilliant Songs: Cowboy Style, Did It Again, Dreams, Limbo, The twi thirds of "Some Kind Of Bliss" before she starts singing the same line over and over and over again.















James Morrison - Undiscovered

Ooh, what a lovely gravelly voice this fella have. He sounds a bit like that throatless guy on the "Don't Smoke" adverts, who the text at the end tells us didn't get to go to his daughters wedding. I mainly got this CD because I needed a new laid back (/dull) album to listen to when I wake up at 4 am and can't get back to sleep, or when something makes me stressy and I can't find my jar of Kalms. Therefore I feel a bit cheated that it's a much more upbeat and uplifting affair than I was promised. It's all rather brilliant though, so I don't mind too much. I also had the added bonus of sticking the songs on my ipod and then giving the cd to my mum as a nice thoughtful present.

Loose(ly) Women

Just in time for the new Uni term, where nobody does anything during the day, comes the return of one of my favourite day time shows - Loose Women. It's basically four women plugged into a desk for an hour, talking about current affairs, slagging off men, and scarring us all with horiffic mental images of them having sex.

It is all brilliantly awful, especially as the women are so raving. They tend to be the type who say things like "I'm not being funny/racist but..." before saying something incredibly offensive, or "I've got loads of gay friends, but I won't let them anywhere near my kids". Here is a beginners guide to the HRT Poster Girls who make up the show:

Kaye Adams

As the main presenter, Kaye is the only Loose Woman to feature everyday. She hails from the baron lands of Scotchland and constanly sits on the far left of the desk, a seating position that tends to reflect her political views.

Special Powers: Kaye has the amazing ability to say really unfunny things and still get a massive laugh from thestudent and granny filled audience. She also posseses the Kaye Adams Point (TM), which involves waving her pen about a lot when she's being serious.

Coleen Nolan

It's her! Out of the Nolan sisters! Widely regarded as Kaye's bitch, Coleen tends to just sit and have Kaye make jokes about the enormous size of her breasts - something which Kaye even did within seconds of Coleen talking about her sister being diagnosed with breast cancer. As the confused podgy one, Coleen is the LW we all feel a bit sorry for. HOWEVER, over the summer Coleen has shed nearly 3 stone through the entirely sensible means of not eating solids for 70 days. Her breasts are now smaller, she can no longer command such pity, and it remains to be seen what her purpose is anymore. Perhaps she'll have to start getting involved in the discussions instead of staring into space.

Special Powers: She was in the Nolans and is therefore responsible for one of the greatest karaoke and disco classics of all time. Coleen also holds amazing parenting powers, causing a media storm last year when she told her 16 year old son that she would gladly pay for him to visit a prostitute in Amsterdam, should he pass his GCSEs.

Carol McGiffin

Simply put - The Greatest Loose Woman of Them All. After suffering the indignity of being married to Chris Evans, Carol is forgivably very bitter about men and the world in general. She has no time for sentimentality, and spends her life staggering from bar to bar and going to places like Thailand for the weekend - a life style that accomodates the fact that she can't actually remember where she lives any more. Carol has never done a show sober, is currently single and is the Loose Women we'd all choose to be, should some sort of evil demon turn us into one, but kindly giving us the choice of which.

Special Powers - Too many to mention.


Some other Looses:

Jane McDonald - Ex cruise ship singer, loved by gays of a certain age who perhaps couldn't afford Shirley Bassey's extensive back catalogue. On special occasions Jane will sing at the end of the show, causing a power surge as all the housewives get off their fat arses to put the kettle on. Jane is brilliant and typically 'Yorkshire'.

Sherrie Hewson - Totally out of her tree. Sadly not appearing on the show that much any more, due to her mission to appear on every ITV soap going.

Terri Dwyer - "The Loose Women you'd least likely save from a burning building". One of the youngest Loose Women and certainly the most annoying. Forever talking about her dead parents, along with how ashamed she is of her fat sister.



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Kylie: very much not dead

Hooray!

These pics are taken from the new calendar (2007 - would you believe it?) of everyone's favourite Minogue sister:






And here is October's entry:


Should I end up owning this calendar, I would imagine my September running an extra 31 days longer.


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You're both as bad as each other.

So his holiness says something about Muslims being "evil and inhuman", and certain Muslims start burning effigies of the pope* and demanding his assasination. Yeah, that proves him wrong.

Goodness me, what a load of fools. Religion really is a terrible thing in the wrong hands.

Pope Benny - Just go back to slagging off the gays. We know you're a mental and really couldn't give a flying fuck.

Certain Muslims - Chillax, yeah? I've not read the Qu'ran, but I'm assured that it's much more peaceful than you're making out.


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*I should totally rename this place that.

Here is a list of animals that it is probably not a very good idea to have sex with:

• Every member of the animal kingdom that isn't human.
• Especially hedgehogs.

Why aren't the schools teaching this?!!


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A very dark day.

I don't really like to get personal on here, but I just needed somewhere to let this out. So here goes.

Due to a series of bad luck, my mum has been forced to turn to prostitution just to get by in life. It hates me to see her like this - she's above it and doesn't deserve it.

Well, I say "turn to prostitution", but I actually mean "appear on the new series of Strictly Come Dancing". And I say "my mum", but I actually mean "Baby Spice, Emma Bunton".

IT'S THE SAME PRINCIPAL THOUGH.


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Tomb Raider 3: Straight to Video

WARNING: Long and boring post ahead.




Having spent what feels like roughly 8 years gallavanting around Egypt, here is what I have learnt:

• Egypt is very big, and full of sand. Although either side of the Nile is very green for a few metres, before suddenly going sandy.
• There are not as many camels as you would expect to see in Egypt. In fact there were only about three days when I did see any. That's like going to Australia and not seeing many Kowalas, or like going to Germany and hardly seeing any shit hair styles.
• Instead, donkeys are the four legged animal of choice.
• The place is stupidly hot. It's like sticking your head in an oven, but in the none suicidey sense. Luxor and Aswan, where we cruised between in week 1, was never any cooller than 45 in the day.
• It turns out that it is not a good idea to sunbathe in this, as I found out after a week when I was stuck in bed for two days with the worst headache of my life accompanied with fever, projectile vomitting and "runny tummy". A doctor stood me in a freezing shower for five whole minutes, before ramming a needle into each of my arse cheeks and throwing pills down my neck. I was gutted when he diagnosed sunstroke instead of something cool like Yellow Fever. Only nerds get sunstroke - he may as well have diagnosed me with diabetes and given me some thick rimmed glasses.
• The sun and I are now mortal enemies, and my tan will continue to come courtesy of Johnson's Holiday Skin. It may make me look nuclear, but it doesn't make vomit and be able to shit through a straw. Unless I drank it.
  

• Mummies are seriously scary fuckers. Although their incredible thinness makes it highly tempting to get them out of the cabinets and dress them up as posh spice.
• Most houses in Egypt don't have a roof, making a balloon ride at 5 in the morning slightly pervy.
  
• It is not very comforting to be told by your guide that the temple you are standing in was the spot where 60 tourists were massacred by terrorists 9 years ago, especially when you look around to see that the only security consists of half asleep, teenage policeman limply clutching guns twice their age.
• Not all security is bad though. We were frisked before entering a super market.
• The Ancient Egyptians were obsessed with their death, and would spend their whole lives preparing for it. In that respect they are similar to my Gran, who's forever telling us what hymns she wants at her funeral.
• Unlike Granny King though, they spend years constructing lavish tombs which are still in great condition today. These make Valley of the Kings one of the coolest places outside of Disney World.
• The pyramids are pretty damn amazing too. As is the Sphinx, though he needs a bit of work doing.
• I think it's fair to say that Geldof and Bono didn't quite Make Poverty History, not in this part of Africa at least.
  
• Egyptian driving is brutal. I'd have passed my test if I'd taken it there.
• Egyptians do not walk like egyptians.
• Not even slightly.
  
• How dissapointing.
• SORT IT OUT, Egypt.
• There is a city in Egypt called The 6th of October, which is the shittest place name ever.
• Shopping is no fun whatsoever when the owner of each and every single establishment is constantly in your face and thrusting their crap at you all the time.
• Some sellers have cottoned on to fact that this hard sell is off putting, and will advertise that there shop contains no hassle. However, they tend to follow you around telling you this and shouting it at you from across the street.
• On the whole though, Egyptians folk who aren't trying to flog you beads and postcards are really warm and friendly.
• A Cairo Hotel is now the proud owner of my ipod charging-dock.
• In a predominantly Muslim country, it is really hard to escape being woken up at quarter to five IN THE FUCKING MORNING by the wailing of the local mosque's call to prayer. Islam is not for people who "don't do mornings". This is probably why, when I ended up inside a mosque, that it was full of people asleep on the floor:

• At any one time there will always be some cock having a picture of themself taken in front of the pyramids, with their hands raised in such a way so that it looks like they are holding the structures behind them.
• Egypt hasn't really done anything remarkable or changed much in two thousand years.
• But when it's past glories are so amazing it doesn't really have to. Egypt is therefore a bit like The Rolling Stones.
• Egypt is a nice place to visit. Though once is probably enough if you see everything you want to see.
  

Some generic holiday snaps:











And that's that.


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??!!?

I'm guessing that the asterisk after "FREE" can be taken to mean "not really".

Oh dear.

You know at the end of Mrs Doubtfire? When Mrs Doubtfire gets her own chat show?

Well I'm now watching The Sharon Osbourne Show and being reminded of that :(

Jumping on my Tutu.

After travelling and sitting around in hotels and departure lounges for 24 hours (roughly 20 hours longer than I'm usually ever awake for), I was tired and groggy.

HOWEVER, hearing this brand new Girls Aloud single soon changed all that. How can they be so consistently brilliant? It's a bit unfair on the Sugababes. On first few listens it's somewhere between their 3rd and 12th best song. I'm still yet to hear the intro and ending though, since I gather they're not included on the radio rip due to Chris Moyles, everybody's favourite fat cunt, talking all over them.


Other things that I came home to find out:

• Steve Irwin. Dead. Goodness me, that's a bit rubbish isn't it? And a Stingray got him in the end? That must have been one of the last animals in the entire world left to have a pop at him. Unlucky.
• The Scissor Sisters getting some justice with a number one. Although everybody'll stop liking them now.
• That's actually it. Must have been a slow news fortnight.

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