The Chart of 2006

This year has not been totally shit, as there has been some quite good music knocking about. Perhaps you are Me Of The Future. If this is the case, it might be nice to make a playlist out of the following songs on your futuristic music devise, and reminisce about younger times. Also, congratulations on not being dead.


The top ten songs of 2006:

10. Money - Girls Aloud
9. You Only Live Once - The Strokes
8. Red Dress - Sugababes
7. Nan You're A Window Shopper - Lily Allen
6. Life In Mono - Emma Bunton
5. America - Razorlight
4. Supermassive Black Hole - Muse
3. Faster Kill Pussycat - Paul Oakenfold feat. Brittany Murphy
2. Something Kinda Ooooh - Girls Aloud
1. Sugar, We're Going Down - Fall Out Boy


The rest of The Top 40 (but in no particular order because the top 10 took fucking ages and I'm still not too happy with it): Crazy Fool - Girls Aloud; Promiscuous - Nelly Furtado; Dance Dance - Fall Out Boy; Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol; I Don't Feel Like Dancing - Scissor Sisters; Hot Kiss - Juliette & The Licks; All Time Love - Will Young; I Think We're Alone Now (Single Version) - Girls Aloud; Ask Me Anything - The Strokes; Heart in a Cage - The Strokes; Never Be Lonely - The Feeling; Checkin' It Out - Little Chris; Rehab - Amy Winehouse; Sorry - Madonna; Chelsea Dagger - The Fratellis; When You Were Young - The Killers; London Bridge - Fergie; Temple of Love - BWO; Stick To The Status Quo - High School Musical; Monster - The Automatic; Pull Shapes - The Pipettes; Wigwam - Wigwam; LDN - Lily Allen; Relax, Take it Easy - Mika; Stars Are Blind - Paris Hilton; Who Am I - Will Young; You and Your Hand - P!nk; Beep - Pussycat Dolls; Everyday Combat - Lostprophets

(To be eligibubble, songs had to be released in the UK at some point in 2006 on either CD/download single or album.)

There would probably be quite a few Rogue Traders songs on this list, but I couldn't work out where to put them because I'd exhausted them once they were finally released over here. So instead of confusing myself I just left them off all together.


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:(

What do all the following have in common?















1) They are all cartoons. No, look closely, they really are.

2) They are all brilliant, and I spent roughly half of the nineties watching them on Cartoon Network.

3) They were all the creation of Hanna-Barbera. I used to think this was a woman with a double barelled first name, but it's actually these two men:

Joseph Barbera carked it yesterday, meaning that they are both no longer with us. This makes me sad. To have created so many fun, entertaining and cool characters and tv shows is quite an achievement, and the world was a way better place for having them. Cheerio, fellas.

*goes into the attic and sobs into his flintstones toys*

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Blimey, this year's X-Factor was duller than Songs Of Praise.

There's only one winner who I still care about:




I hope he's back this year with some new material which isn't a load of old shite or cover versions. It would be a shame to lose such a talented and pretty popstar. And one with such an exciting backstory too, what with the mad family and all the crime. I'll never forget the time in the hairdressers when I read one magazine article about Shsyne's dad being in prison for raping a grandmother, before picking up another one to see a beaming picture of Shayne underneath the headline "I Love Older Women!".


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The greatest Bond villains that never were:

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Fuzzy Feltz

I fucking love daytime TV. It's a shame that it's only really available to students, housewives, dolescum and the bed-ridden; because when I leave the first of these groups I have no desire to join one of the others.

This past fortnight ITV have been showing Vanessa's Real Lives which has been nothing short amazing, whilst also taking the title of Britain's tackiest and cheapest show. It is better than the usual chatshows, because Vanessa doesn't get bogged down with the usual family traumas and paternity tests. Afterall, it gets a bit boring watching the inbred calling each other a slag every day. Instead, Real Live's just brings out the one freak, allowing Vanessa to either point and laugh, patronise, or berrate them, before she wanders around the audience to meet people who are similar to the chosen freak (e.g. other gerriatric pornstars), people who have been brought in especially to condemn the freak (e.g. The Christian Grannies Association), along with general audience members.

Real Live's has now finished it's trial run, but it'll hopefully be back for a proper series next year. Here were the best bits:

- Vanessa meeting a lady who is "terrified of holes".

- Vanessa meeting the man who drinks his own urine. Upon finding out that he also uses it on his skin, she asked him to rub some on his face, before smelling the area and stepping back quicky to tell him in her most disgusted voice that he "smells like a Urinal". Funny, that.

- Vanessa standing next to the tallest man in Britain, and being perfect blowjob height.

- Vannessa meeting a woman who breast feeds her 7 year old son, as well as her sister-in-law's son whenever he's at the house.

- The revelation that one of Vanessa's daughter's friend tried it on with her - "he said I was a Milf!"

- The man who eats roadkill, including dogs.

- "Coming up after the break, a woman who got over her problems by eating her placenta." I didn't see this one, but apparently Vanessa asked what wine is best to have with it.

- 39 year old identical twins, who always wear the same clothes and sleep in the same bed together each night.


I've missed you, Vanessa.


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I would like it on cyber record that:

Last night I got to meet God's representative on earth, Dr Karl Kennedy. !!!!!.

He and his band Waiting Room, after touring what seems like every other uni in the country twice, finally got to mine, making the place 10004% less shit.

Dr Karl Alan is loved by virtually everyone who hasn't had a 9-5 job at some point in the last 12 years, so unsuprisingly there was mass hysteria. We got right to the front for the performance (mostly made up of amazing britpoprock cover versions), which means that I was totally crushed and had to elbow and kick a lot of people in order to keep breathing , but got to hold his hand tightly at one stage, as well as stick one of my fingers up his nose. Though that bit was not so intentional. We then queued for fucking weeks and got to meet him, where he signed my CD and I told him he was my telly dad, which he seemed pleased at. I was quite drunk so forgot all the things I wanted to say to him, but he said he'd send all my love to Susan and reassured me that she has no tattoos on her arms. I'm now regretting that I was a state in front of such a man. I had christmassy red hair dye on my forehead at that point.

My Dr Karl and Christmas joy now has to fuck off for four whole days, as I have 2 important assignments to write. One is 2500 words on the Classical Hollywood Star System compared to the modern day's, and the other is a 4000 word outline of a film script idea (mine is shite and involves a teacher developing super powers). These are both semi interesting, but still boring. No essay will ever live up to the one I did for my goddawful Gay Cinema lecture a few weeks back, because that contained the phrase "vigorous fisting".

I am now listening to my Waiting Room CD. It is brilliant. One track is even co-written by Susan Kennedy.

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EDIT: I've just remembered that he performed Living Next Door To Alice, but changed the lyrics to involve the recent Karl-overdoses-on-sleeping-medication-and-sleeps-with-Izzy- thinking-that-she's-Susan storyline, which even he said was unbelievable. We all got to sing "Susan? Who the fuck is Susan?" at him.

Truly amazing.

Why BWO are the best thing to come from Sweden since ABBA:

And yes I do include IKEA in that, because IKEA is a fucking terrible place. It is time such truth was spoken.

There will be an Award Ceremony in Candyland in a few weeks' time (!!!). Perhaps this will win an award for Best Music Video. Although it probably won't because I doubt there'll be such a category. If you have any ideas for categories, feel free to leave them in the comment box. They can be for anything, although it's nice to keep it celebrity related. I couldn't give a toss how many kids the lady down the street has fostered.


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"And since we've no place to go..."

Let it snow.

Do one of these! It's for charidee, and it's nice and festive and a bit sentimental.


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Oh it get's worse

Following my ipod trauma, I have just got back from a massacre at the hairdressers. I've lost half my fucking hair and have a stupid tiny choppy little fringe. I look like a post-chaemo Kylie drag impersonator :(

I should have ran screaming from the salon the moment I saw that the woman lunging at me with the scissors was some sort of dreadlocked eco-warrior.

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Rotten Apple

Something TERRIBLE has happened! My I-Pod has died.

My beautiful, shiny, magical ipod (aka MY BEST FRIEND) keeps demanding to be "reprogrammed" over and over again, and won't play any music. It's still under guarantee, but it'll be aaggggees until they fix it.

I've become so dependent on having one these past three years, that the next few weeks of my life may be the darkest on record.

And those kids on the Oxfam advert think that they have problems.



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EDIT: Yesterday I did still walk to a lecture wearing it though, so I could still get away with looking a bit spaced out as I walk between campuses, along with having an excuse not to have to talk to anyone I didn't want.

Has everyone seen this yet?

A karaoke classic in-the-making, surely.


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