The Power Of Five

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE, STOP BRINGING THE SPICE GIRLS INTO EVERYTHING.

At the request of Boz, here come 5 Useless Facts About Me:

(1) The first record (well, tape) I bought was "The Smurfs Go Pop". It was nothing short of amazing, containing the likes of "Our Smurfing Party" and "Smurfhillbilly Joe". I even bought the imaginatively titled follow up album, "The Smurfs Go Pop Again". It wasn't as good. That difficult second Smurf album, eh?

(2) I am addicted to chewing gum, it's my Smoking. I chew between one and two packs a day.

(3) I once NEARLY DIED on holiday in Menorca. On the first day I slipped and fell against a flimsy glass door, which swung back and shattered on the corner of a table, sending a shard plunging into my back and puncturing my left lung. What fun! I then got to spend the entire two weeks remaining in a Menorcan hospital, with the first week in intensive care.

(4) I cannot ride a bike, or do a gamboll.

(5) My names is Gareth Richard Douglas King.

Gareth = Welsh
Richard= English
Douglas= Scottish
King = Rules them all.

Amazing. It wasn't intentional, my parents aren't mental nationalists or anything.

If you have a blog, right five facts about yourself.

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Baby Baby Spice

Congratulations to The Bunton, because she now has a little baby in her tummy. It is especially good news, because it means she can now concentrate on breathing techniques and what colour she should paint the nursery, instead of the fact that nobody has bought her new album.

I think that now my uni degree is going tits up (I got 52% on an essay the other day - what a fucking cheek!), I shall open a child care centre for the spawn of 90s popstars. I could look after Geri's and Emma's, and mould them into the artists of the future. I shall also take Claire from Steps' forthcoming baby, though I won't give it as much attention. If Ginger Junior wants whatever Clare Junior is playing with, then it can fucking well have it.

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The best use of a red dress since Schindler's List.

Posh people do it better. Fact.



I was internetless (no I wasn't actually dead, I'd just vacuumed over our modem) when Sophie Ellis Bextor stuck this onto the web, so I'm only just discovering it now. It's so nice to have her back. What with her and The Feeling, PoshPop could be a new genre before long.

It will be a big shame when this flops harder than Tom Cruise on Wedding Night. I may even cry.

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ODD.

ERROR

Some people should have their fingers snapped off, so they can't vote in online polls.

Fools.

It just so happens that the other day I was up a mountain, when a strike of lightning zapped two big tablets of stone onto the ground in front of me. This is what was engraved on them:

The Ten Most Bestest Films Evah By Me, God


1. SpiceWorld: The Movie

- I really liked this film because it woz really clever and funny, although I didn't much like the bits with Mel C in dem. My best bit woz when they met the aliens, and also when the boy woz in the coma but woke up to have a look at Ginger's baps. The songs were really good and I wish that all the old people/ugly people/closet gays that go to church each week would sing them at me instead. WANNABE > THINE BE THE GLORY 4evah lolzzz


2. Mean Girls

- This was proppa brilliant, although the ending when everyone was nice to each other was both silly and dull. It was nice to see Lindsay Lohan b4 she began eating paper insted of food.


3. The Godfather Trilogy

- This is three films but fuck you in the face becuz I am God so they can be counted as one. Although only the first two are good but I don't know the word for two films and pair dont sound right.


4. Pirates Of The Caribbean

- This film is mint and I think I'll watch it later after I've had my nuggets and ribena. Then I think I'll kill Jerry Bruckheimer and send him 2 hell for making the second one which was well gash.


5. Disney's Robin Hood

- I liked this film soooo much that the other week I built a planet that is just like earth but all the animals talk and wear clothes and live in olden times.


6. Mrs 'Arris Goes To Paris

- I ent actually seen dis, but the title is well bitchin' and my mum Angela Lansbury is in it. Boo yah.


7. Fight Club

- Now dis iz wot I call a film. I like the twisty ending and when Brad Pitt is shirtless whilst wearin low trousers. Also it is funnee when Meatloaf has titties.


8. Titanic

- I only sunk the Titanic so dat dis film could be made about it.


9. Moulin Rouge

- Ah wow, now dis is wot you call a musical. I fink I may also build a planet lyke earth but where everyone is a singing prozzy or a singing author or a singing midget.

10. The Austin Powers Trilogy

- These were all good and as funny as each other. Frau Farbissinar is the funnyest and the fittest is Liz Hurley. I dressed as Austin Powers for Mother Nature's fancy dress birthday party a few years back. I was well cooler than Satan who went as Madonna in the Hung Up video.


Byez

God has rather brilliant taste in films, and I think that him putting Spiceworld at number 1 cancels out what 10 000 computer nerds who probably haven't even seen it think. Smashing.

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"Don't stop, never give up, hold your head high and reach the top, let the world see what you have got, bring it all back to you me."

It's always wonderful when bad things cease to be, for instance:

- It was nice when Sex & The City came to an end.
- I was over the moon when Blue split up.
- Leaving school was fucking brilliant. (The best days of my life? Get bent!)
- And it was a big relief for us all when Granny got arthritis in her jaw, bringing an end to all the never ending stories.


However, it is often quite terrible when things that are really good disappear. Here are some things that I would quite like bringing back:

Penny Farthings

Why did these ever die out?! Yes, they could cause a bloody nose or death when you ended up going head first over the handle bars, but they look incredible. If these were still on the market then I'd actually learn to ride a bike.

Best accompanied by a monacle, top hat, and ludicrously curly moustache. What ho!

Geri Halliwell's Singing Career

I don't want the Spice Girls back (ever! I don't care if it's for a Princess Diana concert, nobody liked her when she was alive), but Geri managed to be the only Spice who kept making the music that the girls should have made had they hung around for longer. The last album that she made wasn't even that bad, she just released a slightly weak lead single and got mullered by the press for not being a boring man with a guitar. Oh, and the fact that she's a bit mental. In a recent OK! interview, Geri said that she'll more than likely never release anything else. Boooo. Instead she's at home raising a very pissed off looking baby:


At least do something where I get to see you, Geri? Don't make me come round there and look through your toilet window again.

White Dog Poo

I just really miss seeing this. Why don't we see it anymore? Don't tell me the country's actually gotten cleaner! We all know that Britain Is In It's Worst Ever State Because Of The Blacks And The Gays (Copyright - The Tabloid Press).

I was all excited when I found some in Egypt, although was a bit gutted that my camera's batteries had died at that point. Fuck 5000 year old temples, it's all about white turds.

Shooting Stars

Oh how I miss this. It was the greatest quiz on television, mostly because it was a load of rubbish and you never had to feel stupid when you didn't know the answers. I pine for Donald Cox (The Sweaty Fox), and especially Georgey Dawes. Let's watch one of his many brilliant songs:



I still sing baked potato, whenever I have one. Which really isn't often. Mine don't talk, and just taste boring.

SM:TV Live (with Ant + Dec + Cat, obv)

It really was the greatest Saturday Morning show ever, mainly for chums and Cat The Dog (from Birmingham (home of the great)). Oh, and Wonkey Donkey. And The Garden Gnomes. And The Bewdiful Corrs. Bring it back now. In fact, just repeat the old ones each week. Especially as Ant & Dec are now too busy being the faces of mediocre Saturday night ITV entertainment.

Sidekicks

Where did these go to? They were little tiny individual shots, that came in little glasses (or "plastics") with a base that allowed them to sit on the edge of a larger glass. This made them both stupid and incredible at the same time. Why would you need to perch it on the side of a larger glass, when taking a sip from it would make the Sidekick fall down you? Because you can, that's why. They were my first love when I discovered drinking.

I mainly want them back because you could build thing out of the empty containers, like some sort of George Best approved Lego set.

I would also like the return off:

-Channel 4 without Big Brother
-Crossroads
-Noel's House Party
-Gaby Roslin

Please post any of these things to me.

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'Back once again with the ill behaviour (Go! Go! Go! Go!)"

Hello! Remember me? I used to blog here about one hundred mazillion years ago.

Sorry I have not been doing so recently, but I was involved in a terrible dusting accident and tragically died. Heaven was nice and all, but I got bored so came back. It was good to see lots of dead celebrities though and, to a lesser extent, dead relatives.

You'll be pleased to know that Karen Carpenter is at a much healthier weight now. In fact I thought she'd put on a bit too much, but apparently it was wrong to tell her this.

Here is a question. It is probably not the sort of thing Parkinson would ask:

What is this artist up to?



Here is the answer.

Goodness me. I don't think I'll help out. Especially if the postman in his neck of the woods is as shoddy as ours - we're forever opening next door's post by mistake.

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The Chart of 2006

This year has not been totally shit, as there has been some quite good music knocking about. Perhaps you are Me Of The Future. If this is the case, it might be nice to make a playlist out of the following songs on your futuristic music devise, and reminisce about younger times. Also, congratulations on not being dead.


The top ten songs of 2006:

10. Money - Girls Aloud
9. You Only Live Once - The Strokes
8. Red Dress - Sugababes
7. Nan You're A Window Shopper - Lily Allen
6. Life In Mono - Emma Bunton
5. America - Razorlight
4. Supermassive Black Hole - Muse
3. Faster Kill Pussycat - Paul Oakenfold feat. Brittany Murphy
2. Something Kinda Ooooh - Girls Aloud
1. Sugar, We're Going Down - Fall Out Boy


The rest of The Top 40 (but in no particular order because the top 10 took fucking ages and I'm still not too happy with it): Crazy Fool - Girls Aloud; Promiscuous - Nelly Furtado; Dance Dance - Fall Out Boy; Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol; I Don't Feel Like Dancing - Scissor Sisters; Hot Kiss - Juliette & The Licks; All Time Love - Will Young; I Think We're Alone Now (Single Version) - Girls Aloud; Ask Me Anything - The Strokes; Heart in a Cage - The Strokes; Never Be Lonely - The Feeling; Checkin' It Out - Little Chris; Rehab - Amy Winehouse; Sorry - Madonna; Chelsea Dagger - The Fratellis; When You Were Young - The Killers; London Bridge - Fergie; Temple of Love - BWO; Stick To The Status Quo - High School Musical; Monster - The Automatic; Pull Shapes - The Pipettes; Wigwam - Wigwam; LDN - Lily Allen; Relax, Take it Easy - Mika; Stars Are Blind - Paris Hilton; Who Am I - Will Young; You and Your Hand - P!nk; Beep - Pussycat Dolls; Everyday Combat - Lostprophets

(To be eligibubble, songs had to be released in the UK at some point in 2006 on either CD/download single or album.)

There would probably be quite a few Rogue Traders songs on this list, but I couldn't work out where to put them because I'd exhausted them once they were finally released over here. So instead of confusing myself I just left them off all together.


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:(

What do all the following have in common?















1) They are all cartoons. No, look closely, they really are.

2) They are all brilliant, and I spent roughly half of the nineties watching them on Cartoon Network.

3) They were all the creation of Hanna-Barbera. I used to think this was a woman with a double barelled first name, but it's actually these two men:

Joseph Barbera carked it yesterday, meaning that they are both no longer with us. This makes me sad. To have created so many fun, entertaining and cool characters and tv shows is quite an achievement, and the world was a way better place for having them. Cheerio, fellas.

*goes into the attic and sobs into his flintstones toys*

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Blimey, this year's X-Factor was duller than Songs Of Praise.

There's only one winner who I still care about:




I hope he's back this year with some new material which isn't a load of old shite or cover versions. It would be a shame to lose such a talented and pretty popstar. And one with such an exciting backstory too, what with the mad family and all the crime. I'll never forget the time in the hairdressers when I read one magazine article about Shsyne's dad being in prison for raping a grandmother, before picking up another one to see a beaming picture of Shayne underneath the headline "I Love Older Women!".


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The greatest Bond villains that never were:

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Fuzzy Feltz

I fucking love daytime TV. It's a shame that it's only really available to students, housewives, dolescum and the bed-ridden; because when I leave the first of these groups I have no desire to join one of the others.

This past fortnight ITV have been showing Vanessa's Real Lives which has been nothing short amazing, whilst also taking the title of Britain's tackiest and cheapest show. It is better than the usual chatshows, because Vanessa doesn't get bogged down with the usual family traumas and paternity tests. Afterall, it gets a bit boring watching the inbred calling each other a slag every day. Instead, Real Live's just brings out the one freak, allowing Vanessa to either point and laugh, patronise, or berrate them, before she wanders around the audience to meet people who are similar to the chosen freak (e.g. other gerriatric pornstars), people who have been brought in especially to condemn the freak (e.g. The Christian Grannies Association), along with general audience members.

Real Live's has now finished it's trial run, but it'll hopefully be back for a proper series next year. Here were the best bits:

- Vanessa meeting a lady who is "terrified of holes".

- Vanessa meeting the man who drinks his own urine. Upon finding out that he also uses it on his skin, she asked him to rub some on his face, before smelling the area and stepping back quicky to tell him in her most disgusted voice that he "smells like a Urinal". Funny, that.

- Vanessa standing next to the tallest man in Britain, and being perfect blowjob height.

- Vannessa meeting a woman who breast feeds her 7 year old son, as well as her sister-in-law's son whenever he's at the house.

- The revelation that one of Vanessa's daughter's friend tried it on with her - "he said I was a Milf!"

- The man who eats roadkill, including dogs.

- "Coming up after the break, a woman who got over her problems by eating her placenta." I didn't see this one, but apparently Vanessa asked what wine is best to have with it.

- 39 year old identical twins, who always wear the same clothes and sleep in the same bed together each night.


I've missed you, Vanessa.


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I would like it on cyber record that:

Last night I got to meet God's representative on earth, Dr Karl Kennedy. !!!!!.

He and his band Waiting Room, after touring what seems like every other uni in the country twice, finally got to mine, making the place 10004% less shit.

Dr Karl Alan is loved by virtually everyone who hasn't had a 9-5 job at some point in the last 12 years, so unsuprisingly there was mass hysteria. We got right to the front for the performance (mostly made up of amazing britpoprock cover versions), which means that I was totally crushed and had to elbow and kick a lot of people in order to keep breathing , but got to hold his hand tightly at one stage, as well as stick one of my fingers up his nose. Though that bit was not so intentional. We then queued for fucking weeks and got to meet him, where he signed my CD and I told him he was my telly dad, which he seemed pleased at. I was quite drunk so forgot all the things I wanted to say to him, but he said he'd send all my love to Susan and reassured me that she has no tattoos on her arms. I'm now regretting that I was a state in front of such a man. I had christmassy red hair dye on my forehead at that point.

My Dr Karl and Christmas joy now has to fuck off for four whole days, as I have 2 important assignments to write. One is 2500 words on the Classical Hollywood Star System compared to the modern day's, and the other is a 4000 word outline of a film script idea (mine is shite and involves a teacher developing super powers). These are both semi interesting, but still boring. No essay will ever live up to the one I did for my goddawful Gay Cinema lecture a few weeks back, because that contained the phrase "vigorous fisting".

I am now listening to my Waiting Room CD. It is brilliant. One track is even co-written by Susan Kennedy.

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EDIT: I've just remembered that he performed Living Next Door To Alice, but changed the lyrics to involve the recent Karl-overdoses-on-sleeping-medication-and-sleeps-with-Izzy- thinking-that-she's-Susan storyline, which even he said was unbelievable. We all got to sing "Susan? Who the fuck is Susan?" at him.

Truly amazing.

Why BWO are the best thing to come from Sweden since ABBA:

And yes I do include IKEA in that, because IKEA is a fucking terrible place. It is time such truth was spoken.

There will be an Award Ceremony in Candyland in a few weeks' time (!!!). Perhaps this will win an award for Best Music Video. Although it probably won't because I doubt there'll be such a category. If you have any ideas for categories, feel free to leave them in the comment box. They can be for anything, although it's nice to keep it celebrity related. I couldn't give a toss how many kids the lady down the street has fostered.


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"And since we've no place to go..."

Let it snow.

Do one of these! It's for charidee, and it's nice and festive and a bit sentimental.


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Oh it get's worse

Following my ipod trauma, I have just got back from a massacre at the hairdressers. I've lost half my fucking hair and have a stupid tiny choppy little fringe. I look like a post-chaemo Kylie drag impersonator :(

I should have ran screaming from the salon the moment I saw that the woman lunging at me with the scissors was some sort of dreadlocked eco-warrior.

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Rotten Apple

Something TERRIBLE has happened! My I-Pod has died.

My beautiful, shiny, magical ipod (aka MY BEST FRIEND) keeps demanding to be "reprogrammed" over and over again, and won't play any music. It's still under guarantee, but it'll be aaggggees until they fix it.

I've become so dependent on having one these past three years, that the next few weeks of my life may be the darkest on record.

And those kids on the Oxfam advert think that they have problems.



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EDIT: Yesterday I did still walk to a lecture wearing it though, so I could still get away with looking a bit spaced out as I walk between campuses, along with having an excuse not to have to talk to anyone I didn't want.

Has everyone seen this yet?

A karaoke classic in-the-making, surely.


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Open Letters:

Dear Britney Spears,

For goodness sake love, please stop flashing us your toilet area. I'm starting to feel like your gynecologist, and it's making your new friend Paris look classy.

I find it hard to believe that one of the most famous women in the world thinks that she can get out of cars without having a lens or two knocking on her downstairs door.

You've pretty much lost all the goodwill that throwing Kevin out won you.

Yours faithfully or sincerely (whichever it is when I know your name),

Gareth

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Dear Certain People,

It's a little bit early to have put your decorations up. They'll be looking crap and you'll be bored of them by Christmas Day, making them somewhat less special, yes?

It's also cruel to me, as I can't fucking wait for the 25th and the extra reminders of something so far away is make me die inside.


Love from,
Gareth x



P.S. Snow spray is about as classy as a KFC bargain bucket and always looks shit. Especially when you can't fit much on the window and have to settle for "MeryXmas".

And is it still an open letter if you actually send it? Because I was in a mood on Monday morning and sent this to The Sun's Victoria Newton. I feel like I'm juming on a hate powered band wagon, but it's her own fault for writing absolute rubbish and putting her email address link at the bottom.

Dear Victoria,

I'm stating the obvious here, but nobody cares and takes any notice of what you think. Have any of your painfully tedious campaigns actually worked? No, I don't think they have, have they? Your "Don't Let Westlife Get To Number One Because They Are Not Real Music Because I Am Like A 14 Year Old Boy Who Gets Angry About Stuff That Doesn't Have Guitars And Is Performed By The People Who Didn't Write It " campaign was surely evidence of this, what with it having no effect whatsoever on yesterday's album chart. Perhaps this was meant as just a bit of fun, but going on about it every day certainly made it wear pretty thin.

Perhaps instead of trying to show how powerful you are, you should just report the facts about what's going on in the showbiz world instead. Although you've not really managed that too well in the past now I come to think about it. Hmmm. Why not transfer to a job more suitable to your abilities? There's no shame working in a shop y'know, and they're always recruiting this time of year.



Best Wishes,

Gareth

P.S. RE: This Westlife Campaign - I see that you're still going on about it, this time urging your readers to buy Take That's new album. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out that it'll outsell the 'life's effort. But I suppose you know that, and think you can get away with saying that you were the reason it happened come sunday. I look forward to a "Make It Rain This April" campaign in the new year.

P.P.S. Calling them "Pestlife" is very clever. It's almost as good as you calling Lindsay Lohan, Lazy Lohan! Oh, I'm still laughing about that one.

P.P.P.S. I have tried so hard to like you, what with everyone else slagging you off. You really haven't helped yourself though.

Udpate urgeNT!!

I have just been sick on Heidi ftom the sugarababes.

It maight have just been a picture though. I blame the christians with their toASST