The Power Of Five

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE, STOP BRINGING THE SPICE GIRLS INTO EVERYTHING.

At the request of Boz, here come 5 Useless Facts About Me:

(1) The first record (well, tape) I bought was "The Smurfs Go Pop". It was nothing short of amazing, containing the likes of "Our Smurfing Party" and "Smurfhillbilly Joe". I even bought the imaginatively titled follow up album, "The Smurfs Go Pop Again". It wasn't as good. That difficult second Smurf album, eh?

(2) I am addicted to chewing gum, it's my Smoking. I chew between one and two packs a day.

(3) I once NEARLY DIED on holiday in Menorca. On the first day I slipped and fell against a flimsy glass door, which swung back and shattered on the corner of a table, sending a shard plunging into my back and puncturing my left lung. What fun! I then got to spend the entire two weeks remaining in a Menorcan hospital, with the first week in intensive care.

(4) I cannot ride a bike, or do a gamboll.

(5) My names is Gareth Richard Douglas King.

Gareth = Welsh
Richard= English
Douglas= Scottish
King = Rules them all.

Amazing. It wasn't intentional, my parents aren't mental nationalists or anything.

If you have a blog, right five facts about yourself.

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Baby Baby Spice

Congratulations to The Bunton, because she now has a little baby in her tummy. It is especially good news, because it means she can now concentrate on breathing techniques and what colour she should paint the nursery, instead of the fact that nobody has bought her new album.

I think that now my uni degree is going tits up (I got 52% on an essay the other day - what a fucking cheek!), I shall open a child care centre for the spawn of 90s popstars. I could look after Geri's and Emma's, and mould them into the artists of the future. I shall also take Claire from Steps' forthcoming baby, though I won't give it as much attention. If Ginger Junior wants whatever Clare Junior is playing with, then it can fucking well have it.

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The best use of a red dress since Schindler's List.

Posh people do it better. Fact.



I was internetless (no I wasn't actually dead, I'd just vacuumed over our modem) when Sophie Ellis Bextor stuck this onto the web, so I'm only just discovering it now. It's so nice to have her back. What with her and The Feeling, PoshPop could be a new genre before long.

It will be a big shame when this flops harder than Tom Cruise on Wedding Night. I may even cry.

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ODD.

ERROR

Some people should have their fingers snapped off, so they can't vote in online polls.

Fools.

It just so happens that the other day I was up a mountain, when a strike of lightning zapped two big tablets of stone onto the ground in front of me. This is what was engraved on them:

The Ten Most Bestest Films Evah By Me, God


1. SpiceWorld: The Movie

- I really liked this film because it woz really clever and funny, although I didn't much like the bits with Mel C in dem. My best bit woz when they met the aliens, and also when the boy woz in the coma but woke up to have a look at Ginger's baps. The songs were really good and I wish that all the old people/ugly people/closet gays that go to church each week would sing them at me instead. WANNABE > THINE BE THE GLORY 4evah lolzzz


2. Mean Girls

- This was proppa brilliant, although the ending when everyone was nice to each other was both silly and dull. It was nice to see Lindsay Lohan b4 she began eating paper insted of food.


3. The Godfather Trilogy

- This is three films but fuck you in the face becuz I am God so they can be counted as one. Although only the first two are good but I don't know the word for two films and pair dont sound right.


4. Pirates Of The Caribbean

- This film is mint and I think I'll watch it later after I've had my nuggets and ribena. Then I think I'll kill Jerry Bruckheimer and send him 2 hell for making the second one which was well gash.


5. Disney's Robin Hood

- I liked this film soooo much that the other week I built a planet that is just like earth but all the animals talk and wear clothes and live in olden times.


6. Mrs 'Arris Goes To Paris

- I ent actually seen dis, but the title is well bitchin' and my mum Angela Lansbury is in it. Boo yah.


7. Fight Club

- Now dis iz wot I call a film. I like the twisty ending and when Brad Pitt is shirtless whilst wearin low trousers. Also it is funnee when Meatloaf has titties.


8. Titanic

- I only sunk the Titanic so dat dis film could be made about it.


9. Moulin Rouge

- Ah wow, now dis is wot you call a musical. I fink I may also build a planet lyke earth but where everyone is a singing prozzy or a singing author or a singing midget.

10. The Austin Powers Trilogy

- These were all good and as funny as each other. Frau Farbissinar is the funnyest and the fittest is Liz Hurley. I dressed as Austin Powers for Mother Nature's fancy dress birthday party a few years back. I was well cooler than Satan who went as Madonna in the Hung Up video.


Byez

God has rather brilliant taste in films, and I think that him putting Spiceworld at number 1 cancels out what 10 000 computer nerds who probably haven't even seen it think. Smashing.

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"Don't stop, never give up, hold your head high and reach the top, let the world see what you have got, bring it all back to you me."

It's always wonderful when bad things cease to be, for instance:

- It was nice when Sex & The City came to an end.
- I was over the moon when Blue split up.
- Leaving school was fucking brilliant. (The best days of my life? Get bent!)
- And it was a big relief for us all when Granny got arthritis in her jaw, bringing an end to all the never ending stories.


However, it is often quite terrible when things that are really good disappear. Here are some things that I would quite like bringing back:

Penny Farthings

Why did these ever die out?! Yes, they could cause a bloody nose or death when you ended up going head first over the handle bars, but they look incredible. If these were still on the market then I'd actually learn to ride a bike.

Best accompanied by a monacle, top hat, and ludicrously curly moustache. What ho!

Geri Halliwell's Singing Career

I don't want the Spice Girls back (ever! I don't care if it's for a Princess Diana concert, nobody liked her when she was alive), but Geri managed to be the only Spice who kept making the music that the girls should have made had they hung around for longer. The last album that she made wasn't even that bad, she just released a slightly weak lead single and got mullered by the press for not being a boring man with a guitar. Oh, and the fact that she's a bit mental. In a recent OK! interview, Geri said that she'll more than likely never release anything else. Boooo. Instead she's at home raising a very pissed off looking baby:


At least do something where I get to see you, Geri? Don't make me come round there and look through your toilet window again.

White Dog Poo

I just really miss seeing this. Why don't we see it anymore? Don't tell me the country's actually gotten cleaner! We all know that Britain Is In It's Worst Ever State Because Of The Blacks And The Gays (Copyright - The Tabloid Press).

I was all excited when I found some in Egypt, although was a bit gutted that my camera's batteries had died at that point. Fuck 5000 year old temples, it's all about white turds.

Shooting Stars

Oh how I miss this. It was the greatest quiz on television, mostly because it was a load of rubbish and you never had to feel stupid when you didn't know the answers. I pine for Donald Cox (The Sweaty Fox), and especially Georgey Dawes. Let's watch one of his many brilliant songs:



I still sing baked potato, whenever I have one. Which really isn't often. Mine don't talk, and just taste boring.

SM:TV Live (with Ant + Dec + Cat, obv)

It really was the greatest Saturday Morning show ever, mainly for chums and Cat The Dog (from Birmingham (home of the great)). Oh, and Wonkey Donkey. And The Garden Gnomes. And The Bewdiful Corrs. Bring it back now. In fact, just repeat the old ones each week. Especially as Ant & Dec are now too busy being the faces of mediocre Saturday night ITV entertainment.

Sidekicks

Where did these go to? They were little tiny individual shots, that came in little glasses (or "plastics") with a base that allowed them to sit on the edge of a larger glass. This made them both stupid and incredible at the same time. Why would you need to perch it on the side of a larger glass, when taking a sip from it would make the Sidekick fall down you? Because you can, that's why. They were my first love when I discovered drinking.

I mainly want them back because you could build thing out of the empty containers, like some sort of George Best approved Lego set.

I would also like the return off:

-Channel 4 without Big Brother
-Crossroads
-Noel's House Party
-Gaby Roslin

Please post any of these things to me.

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'Back once again with the ill behaviour (Go! Go! Go! Go!)"

Hello! Remember me? I used to blog here about one hundred mazillion years ago.

Sorry I have not been doing so recently, but I was involved in a terrible dusting accident and tragically died. Heaven was nice and all, but I got bored so came back. It was good to see lots of dead celebrities though and, to a lesser extent, dead relatives.

You'll be pleased to know that Karen Carpenter is at a much healthier weight now. In fact I thought she'd put on a bit too much, but apparently it was wrong to tell her this.

Here is a question. It is probably not the sort of thing Parkinson would ask:

What is this artist up to?



Here is the answer.

Goodness me. I don't think I'll help out. Especially if the postman in his neck of the woods is as shoddy as ours - we're forever opening next door's post by mistake.

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