Foreign types with the hookah pipes say "Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh".

Right, I'm off exploring. What with all this terrorism malarky, there's a 94% chance that I won't be coming back alive. But if I do I'll be sure to bore you all about it.

Back in 2 n' a bit weeks. Perhaps. Bye!

x

Dear Lily Allen,

Stop slagging everyone off for fuck's sake. You've put me right off listening to your nice songs, and girls with moustaches shouldn't throw stones.

Gareth
x


P.S. You can finish off Peaches Geldof though. There are plenty of sick kiddies who could put her organs to far better use.

My four year old self can fuck off - I no longer want to be a car when I grow up.

I am above average. FACT!

It normally takes an average of forty hours for someone to learn to drive. I've spent between 150 and 200 hours sat behind the wheel with an instructor or nervous dad, and today I managed to fail my second driving test with even more majors and minors than last time :(

It would be quite nice to not end up much more above average, because it would be a bit embarassing to take my old-age re-test when I'm 70, only a few months after qualifying. I am also fucking sick of driving, and would quite like to pass just so I can then avoid a car until I get a proper job.


x

Remember my name, FAME!

Big Brother is dead.

Long live X-Factor!

Yes, the search for the next big singing sensation begins tonight at 6:50. It will of course prove fruitless, but great fun none the less.

There will be plenty of:

• Sharon throwing water.
• Everyone (including Louis) thinking that Louis is shit.
• Fat women dressed in Kylie-sized clothes.
• Sharon crying at some point.
• Ugly boybands wearing vests.
• Slightly mentally ill people being ridiculed in the name of entertainment.
• Kate Thornton being very happy that she slept with Simon Cowell that one time.
• "Well that's your opinion and you're entitled to it."
  
• "This is my last chance to make it big."
• "It means the world to me."
• Shattered dreams.
  

Brilliant!

I wonder what this year's disability will be? I felt slightly cheated that 2005 did nothing to match the blind, stammering and morbidly obese contestants of the first X-Factor and similar series. All we had was Andy whining about being a binman and having a dead mother, not to mention Shayne's ridiculously rough family and granny-rapist dad. Here's hoping for some sort of palsy or wheelchair action this time. It's a shame BB's already exhausted the tourettes thing.

EDIT: Due to forced sociable-ness, I will not be able to watch tonight's show until tomorrow. I shall now wear black and cry a lot.

x

"Last year, I was absolutely at the end of my tether with life and I had a huge visit from my mate in heaven and he showed me a spiral and at the top was heaven and the only way to remember who I was, was to go on Big Brother and win. That's the only way to find who I was."

Wash your mouth out!

Oi, Fergie.



No not you - the older one.



Yes there you are. This is about your new song "London Bridge". It's very good* and all, but is there any need for the swearing?

Don't get me wrong, I fucking love a bit of cursing and swear more than anyone I know, but the radio edit's "oh snap" sounds much better - being shouted by whichever generic shouty black man you hired - than the album version's "oh shit". Also! Instead of "I don't give a fuck", you should say " I don't give a flip" in a lovely clear cut British accent. It would really add something to the theme of the song.

I like your video though. There simply isn't enough molestation of Her Majesty's guards on MTV these days. I won't point out the bridge mistake.




x



*in the most ridiculous way possible.

Leave them kids alone.

Why is this sign following me around everywhere I go?!

It's in every shop window, in every paper and on every telly screen. Every fucking year it's the same, stretching from the end of July to September. Do retailers not understand that parents and kids both have the end of the 6 week holiday engraved in their minds from the moment school closes?

Despite actually leaving school last year (or 2003 if we're not counting the slightly less rubbish 6th form), I still get that horrible feeling in my stomach each time I see or hear it. Sob - there's only a few days of holiday freedom left until more PE hell, drab surroundings, teachers who hate you, and cunty classmates. I think going to school did more harm than good to my mental state. Best years of my life, I don't think so.

x


P.S. I would put this sign in Room 101, but the very brilliant (and now very dead) Linda Smith already did so a few years back. She said it was similar to having "Soon To Die" signs posted around an Old Folks' Home, which is both true and a great idea of something to do next time I'm stuck visiting my Granparents.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Right Beyonce, we've all had a good laugh. Now please fuck off forever.


x

Just a link in a chain.

I finally got my head around some of that "html" bunkum the other week and gave this place a nice new links section. Since learning this language, my trousers have got a lot shorter and my voice more screechy. I get in cheaper to Sci-Fi conventions too.

Sadly I couldn't fit in all the addresses I wanted to, so here are the others:

Need to find a therapist? Try http://www.therapistfinder.com/

HANG ON A SECOND! That looks like something dodgy! You'd think that folk would think when choosing a domain name.

At least these are all clean:

http://www.whorepresents.com/

http://www.cummingfirst.com/

http://www.expertsexchange.com/

http://www.penisland.org/

http://www.childsexpress.com/

http://www.scatissue.com/

For some reason they later changed this address for the Italian Powergen website: http://www.powergenitalia.com/


x

I love The Royal Family

And a big hello to The Sun lawyers.

x

"He likes me, watching him watch me all night."

Bloody hell, hasn't Big Brother dragged on this year? I'm sure I was still being born when it began.

But FINALLY it's coming to an end. Not that I've watched much. Infact, I don't think I've watched a whole highlights show since the end of week 1. Oh how I long for the return of the 10pm half hour shows that meant I could actually watch the first few series without it leaching the will to live from my body.

Anywho, I do watch lots of BigBro's BigMouth, so here's a rundown of the contestants left.


Pete
- He is a very nice guy n all, but I don't think he should win just because of that and the fact that he's got tourettes. It's rubbish tourettes too - he just shouts WANKERS a lot and does a bird whistle. The sufferers in all the tourettes documentaries shout out what they're secretly thinking, like they'll see a larger woman walking down the street and end up blurting FUCKING HELL SHE'S HUGE. Now that's entertainment.

Such tourettes would have been a benefit to Pete in the house, since he's a bit of a wimp and just lets folk walk over him.


Richard
- I cannot stand this man. His constant fawning over everyone and the need to be in charge gets right on my nips. I saw a bit of Nikki's re-entry on Friday, and despite the fact that he'd been with her two minutes beforehand he had to "be the one to hold her" first, instead of her boyfriend Pete who'd been pining for her for weeks. STOP TRYING TO BE EVERYONE'S BEST FRIEND YOU SUFFOCATING, ANNOYING AND FALSE CUNT.


Jenny
- I haven't got a clue who this is. She was in the house next door, right? I hardly watched when that was all happening. Anyway, she's appeared out of nowhere and just seems to hang about a bit. Nice girl though. Hopefully she won't interfere with Richard coming sixth.


Aisleyne
- Hooray for her! Entertaining and gutsy - she's what a winner should be. Plus she has a rather fab wardrobe, didn't like Sezer and Grace, and stood up for Sam and Suzie. ALSO! Davina and Dermot don't like her, which would make brilliant interviews.


Glynn
- I dislike him as much as I do Richard, and am scared that the housewives will vote him the winner. We do NOT want another Cameron. Being simple is depressing, not endearing. He's the kid at school who thought he was a dinosaur, with Y-fronts full of skiddies and the oddest lunch box contents in the dining hall. I never want to hear his awful, awful voice again.


Nikki
- Certainly the most entertaining and unique character of the series, she's made me laugh a lot and would be my winner. However, she has no right to be back in there. She was voted out and as now knows what to do to please the public. I'm sick of seeing her hanging off Pete too.


So yes, please let Aisleyne win. I've even voted for her! I won't be too upset if it's Pete though, or even Nikki. I'll be a bit gutted top myself if it's Glynn. Especially as I've only been happy with half the previous BB winners (Brian, Kate and Nadia), so this year has the deciding vote.

Karma Chameleon

Let's do some Maths.

+

+

=

+

Unlucky, George.

Carsafety-maaaan to the rescue!

Over twenty Hampshire residents have woken up over the past few weeks to find all four of their car's tyres slashed. Placed on each person's windscreen was a note saying "Warning. You have been seen driving while using your mobile phone."


What a dude! Yes, the actions are a teensy bit drastic, but people who use their phones whilst driving are selfish cunts and needed taking down a peg or two before they turn innocents into puree. I'd quite like to be his sidekick, and help the fight whilst wearing a nice cape.


x

America's got a better tv show than us.

My favourite tv shows right now:

1. Neighbours
2. Charlie & Lola
3. America's Got Talent
4. The Friday Night ( /Tuesday Night Repeat) Project
5. Trisha Goddard's Circus of Freaks
   

In fact, the only shows I'm watching right now. But hang on?! What's number 3 all about? That's not a real show!

Well not in this country anyway, which is just rubbish. It's the latest talent & humiliation show to hit the United States of America, and sees three judges and a studio audience having to watch various acts of varying brilliance. Mercifully, it's not just singers. All judges ( David "hiccup" Hasslehoff, Brandy, and that cunt Piers Morgan) have a buzzer that they can press to try and stop the act infront of them from continuing, which will happen once all three have had a press.

Here are some, sigh, YouTube clips. I should start a petition for it to be shown on ITV2 or something, but petitions never actually work, do they?


The Quick Change Artists:




The Snow White Stripper:


The World's Most Dangerous Comic:


(The follow up)



Apparently, Simon Cowell (the show's producer extroadinaire) is planning to bring it over here and wanted Posh Spice to be a judge. But she declined. Boo!


x

THERE IS A MOUSE RUNNING ABOUT THE FLOOR BENEATH ME.

He is very cute n' all, but I am still scared of his fast moving nature. HE COULD SHOOT UP MY TROUSER LEG.

Also, I will be semi-orphaned if Pam sees him. She is terrified of them, and once checked into a spanish hotel because the villa we were holidaying in had one in the kitchen. He has just scurried out of this room, so I hope he's not now wandering around on her sleeping face in her room opposite.

I am taking this a lot better than I did last year when another, since sadly deceased, mouse appeared. Then I stood on a chair screaming and shouting like that fat black woman from Tom & Jerry, whilst my dad chased it around the room before it dissapeared for good.

I shall now ebay a non-killing mouse trap. When it arrives I'll tell my the ol' mna that we have a mouse, and present him with this so he doesn't have to use a mouse murdering trap. That way we all get to live happily ever after. Unless Pam sees the mouse first.


x

Oooh-weee-ooooh.

Billie Piper's new hair is shit! I demand an affro. But still, this picture and press release has made me very excited.

x

B-eff-C's 100th Post!

And COMING SOON: actual content!

Yes, introducing two new and exciting regular features - Room 101 and Sacred Human Relics. The former will (quite obviously) be rants regarding things that are shite and need getting rid of forever, and the latter will be semi-gushing praise of people who have made the world a better place. Please note that the criteria for this prestigious accolade will be far more "Heat magazine" than "Nobel prize". Mother Theresa shall not be rearing her wrinkly, tooth filled head.

Now of course these are being drafted in because I have nothing else to write about, and I don't want to shut up shop or turn this into a "today I went into town and went shopping and met up with Lucinda and we went to Starbucks" type blog, because that would be dull as fuck.


Collect them all.

x



P.S. I'm not really running out of things to say, but the rules of autism like similar posts to be organised together.


P.P.S. I don't actually have a friend called Lucinda. It is ever such a lovely name though, so I'm very much in the market for one.

Let's celebrate National Geri Day.

Every few months or so I take a trip down memory lane and turn off into Spice Girls Avenue. This normally involves listening to a few tracks, perhaps Youtubing Spicevideos, and generally remembering how brilliant they were. Then I get all nostalgic for the 90s. Yesterday's bout of Spicemania was triggered by my decision to listen to them when I went jogging. The jogging didn't last long - after 3 minutes I soon remembered that anything faster than a walk leaves me in sharp physical pain, plus I started to worry that the field I was in contained grass snakes - but I kept listening to Spicetunes for most of the afternoon.

Once I had tired of Spice Girls Avenue, I did something I hadn't done in a long while and went down Geri Drive (a cul-de-sac, naturally). Out of all the solo spices, she certainly had the best songs. Songs in fact, that the Spices should have recorded instead of that soulless RnB-lite that plagued the Forever album. Observe:


Ginger's Top 8:

8. Calling
7. Desire
6. Mi Chico Latino
5. Lift Me Up
4. Feels Like Sex
3. Scream If You Wanna Go Faster
2. Look At Me
1. Bag It Up



Look! 8 really good songs! And I only listened to 12, so there could be lots more gems. I don't know why everyone's always slagging her off. Well it's probably because she is quite annoying, though I still like her. Anyway... here comes the spooky thing.

Today, Sunday 6th August, turns out to be Geri's 53rd 34th birthday. Wow! Isn't that spooky? How I suddenly got the urge to listed to Geri on the urge of her birthday? Gosh! It's just so spooky! Really, really spooky. We obviously have some sort of psychic bond. SPOOKY.

So happy birthday wonderful Geri! I forgive you for leaving one of the greatest bands and reducing them to utter shite. I hope that George Michael's thrown away a nice big birthday cake for you to tuck into.


x

Very Serious Review (like they have at the back of the big newspapers)

A few weeks back (sorry, I've been 'busy') my dad and I had a male bonding session. There was no hunting, shed-building, or other silly manly shit - we went to the theatre instead. I fucking love the theatre, but haven't been in ages because Aber doesn't have one. There are aways tickets knocking about for the drama department productions, but you can fuck off if you think I'm going to sit through two hours of the drama fags overacting their way through some arty play about witches, written by one of the failed-playwrite drama lecturers. I also get bored by lots of talking - a few good songs and nifty scenery is what you need. This is probably why I enjoyed Chitty Chitty Bang Bang so much.

In fact this was the second time I'd seen the stage show. Pam took me when it first opened in London a few years back. She ended up crying during the interval because she wished "every child could see this". That's why we didn't take her this time. The now added menopausal hormone madness would have probably led her to storm the stage and hug each individual cast member.

Anyway: THE REVIEW BIT


It was great fun. Everybody was good in their roles, especially the two kids. They were only about 3, yet still remembered the shitloads of songs, lines and dances perfectly - certainly putting my Year 4 portrayal of Jesus in the Junior School easter play to shame. Although I would have been far more entertaning if Jesus had a flying car too. The material let me down.

Along with the sprogs, the Child Catcher was equally well played, and I was most shocked to find out a few days later that it was none other than Curly fuckin Watts off Corrie underneath all the prosthetics. It just goes to show that he's not shit in everything.

But of course, people are a bit boring when compared to the aforementioned flying car. It really does fly! We couldn't even see the big mechanical arm this time. How magical. Along the same lines, Truely Scrumptious' amazing breasts were hypnotic.

HOWEVER, not everything was hunky dory. Some of the dancing was a bit shit, since not everyone was perfectly in time. Also, one of the sets broke down so the cast had to carry out the toy shop scene in the middle of the street set. Finally, the fact that Brian Conley was in it was a bit of a shame. He was quite good as Caractacus, but he was still Brian Conley. A disability that I fear he will never fully overcome.

I would give Chitty Chitty Bang Bang four and a quarter stars out of five.


x

I was wrong

...about the new Scissor Sisters song being just quite good, because it's actually a stomper. Like a parade of spangly dancing disco elephants, marching through an enchanted party jungle. Perhaps the one featured in the Um Bongo adverts.

Here is a video to accompany it:



I would probably quite want to strangle Jake Shears, were he a person I had to tolerate in everyday life and not a celebrity living in my telly and computer boxes. Ana Matronic though, is welcome to pop round for a glass of Ribena and a Jaffa cake any day of the week.

x

Well my August is off to a good start.