Wednesday, January 25, 2006

You Drive Me Crazy.


So I've decided to start learning to drive again.

It's not that I want to, but my Mum got rather shouty down the phone t'other day saying that she didn't pay for over a year of lessons for me to give up after one spectacularly failed test (which happened last September when my reverse parallel parking took 10 minutes and ended with me parking across the whole cuntin' road, wanting to kill both myself and the examiner).

As I've now left sunny Biringham for wintery Wales, I'm ganna need a new instructor. Since November 2004 I had a lady called Sue, who was lovely once she realised that shouting at me had no effect. Before that I was taught by a man called Shaun, who I was not so lucky with.

In his forties and still living with his (probably dead, in the attic) parents, Shaun was a "bit odd" to say the least. His foot fetish was evident from my first lesson with him, when he took a keen interest in my shoes and choice of socks. This came to a head in our final lesson together when he actually lifted my left trouser leg to see my sock:

"Hairy legs - fuckin' hell".

And they're not especially hairy. It was also in this lesson that he asked me what he'd asked a number of his students:

"So Britney Spears, right? One night she comes round your house and she lets you fuck her and it's fantastic sex. Then after you've finished she gets a strapon out and begs to return the favour. What do you say?"

I said no. Although I didn't tell him that I wouldn't do her in the first place. I doubt he'd have understood that.

Shaun also had various publications in the back seat pockets, and could only really talk about the sex. The car's magic tree could only slightly mask the stench of semen and piss.

I'm hoping that my Wayulls driving instructor is more like Sue.


x

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Jesus Christ: The Musical.

Is here.

If you are one of those "christians" then you may not wish to click.

I miss Mutya.


:(

And can we get the new girl a neckbrace?


x

Monday, January 23, 2006

Sunday, January 22, 2006

The Bitchin' Choons of Death.



So this whole Ash debacle has somehow got me thinking about what songs I'd like playing at my funeral.

Here we are:

  • Good Riddance - Greenday
  • Ever Fallen in Love - The Buzzcocks
  • Like A Prayer - Madonna
  • Kung Fu - Ash
  • The Scientist - Coldplay
These have been my favouritest songs for a while now and I can't really tire of 'em. This list'll probably change though, unless I cark it in the very near future. Not that that will happen*.


x


*I am so very dead now I've typed this.

Don't you know it's alright to be alone?

It's a bit of a shame to hear that Charlotte (the women) has left the lovely and rather ace Ash.

I fuckin love Ash. They've been consistently great for years and years and years, but never get the credit they deserve because they're always overshadowed by the latest music scene dah lings.

Charlotte obviously contributed to this greatness, and her ladyness definitely added something special to the band (for another example of this see the lady sax-player in The Zutons). Ash therefore need a new lady. It should be one of these:
  • Kerry Katona
  • Mutya
  • Lisa Scott-Lee
  • Pete Burns
  • Myleene Klass

x

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Insomnia.

Is bloodyfucking annoying.


x

Friday, January 20, 2006

Get that man a tapeworm.

It pisses me when every year pretty actors transform themselves (or play a mong) in the hopes that it'll get 'em a bit of credibility and a nice shiney Oscar to pop on the mantlepiece.

Hoping for such success in 2007 is Jared Leto; star of Fight Club, Panic Room and Alexander, as well as a former Mr Cameron Diaz back when she had taste in men.

To play John Lennon's killer, Jared's taken up the Lisa Riley diet in order to transform himself from this buff hotty:



Into this:


STOP THE MADNESS!!!!!


x


Hello kids, I am Morgan Freeman.

It has been said before that I am fucking fantastic and everything I star in is therefore fucking fantastic. This is all true.

Here are my greatest pieces of work:

  1. The Shawshank Redemption
  2. Unleashed
  3. Se7en
  4. Batman Begins
  5. Million Dollar Baby
  6. Deep Impact
  7. Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves
  8. Nurse Betty

For a good life that doesn't end in suicide, you should aim to see all of these at least once. This is because my warm, strong and sensible persona has a healing quality far stronger than most prescription drugs.

I have to go now, because Mrs Freeman wants my help in choosing a new bath mat.

Peace out,

Morgan
x

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Spot what's wrong with this picture...


Whoops.


x


Incidentally, Ms Katona is in today's papers saying how she wants to go into acting. So far she's got a cameo in Footballer's Wives, but if she's not the new Bond girl then I am boycotting Casino Royale.

The Return of Desperation.


I fuckin love Desperate Housewives. So much so that over Christmas I watched all 23 episodes of Season 1 in just under 3 days and as a result picked up an american accent that I still haven't quite managed to shake off.

Everything about it is fantastic - the sharp writing, the characters, the plot twists, the buff hotties, the hair do's etc...

AND IT'S FINALLY BACK TONIGHT!!!!

I was a bit worried that, now the main plot of season 1 is resolved and we know why Mary Alice topped herself, the show would run out of steam. According to our yank cousins this is not the case and there's plenty of new secrets to piss us off for the next half year. Hoorah!

Tonight's episode will also resume the cliffhanger set by the last season finale - Does Zach shoot Mike and is Mike really Zach's dad???

I'd hazard a guess at "no" and "yes" for these two queries.


Find out which housewive you are: here.

I'm a Susan apparently, which I can live with. Even though Lynette is my (slight) favourite.


x


P.S. I was a bit worried that the shockingly awful piece of Welsh shit that is S4C wouldn't show the Housewives - fears that have now thankfully been discounted. Although they are showing it one hour later than all you England-dwellers'll get it. This is probably so they can tape it off Channel 4 to save money.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

I Heart the Woolies Sale.


Shopping in Aberystwyth can be summed up in one word - Woolworths.

But this is no bad thing, because this week on numerous we've-got-nothing-better-to-do-so-we-might-as-well-go-into-town-as-there's -no-way-we're-doing-revision jaunts I've picked up the following kickass CD's from the Woolies winter sale bargain bin, all for about four pence:

Busted's 2nd Album - which is simply brilliant, and hammers home how shitiful McFly's second album really is. I miss Busted, and regret not loving them when they were still around. It's been a year and three days since "Black Friday". Sob.

Robbie "Not Gay" Williams' Greatest Hits - Yes he's a cunt, but he has marvellous lyrics and his ballads make me mushy. 'Cept Angels. Angels is a bit wank.

Britney's Greatest Hits - They rock. Nuff said. Although I will say that I hope when she comes back she has something amazing to mime and is out of this current trailer trash phase. I have no wish to see Velour-clad dancers and a baby stroller at the side of the stage.

Disney Love Songs - I sorta regret buying this, BUT it does contain "A Whole New World", so it keeps me satisfied 'til Jordan and Peter release their superior cover version. WHICH THEY ARE DEFINITELY DOING!!!

Kylie's "Fever" - Which could actually be my favouritest album ever. She's like Madonna., without the evil.


So if you don't mind fighting your way through scores of hatchet faced mothers shouting bitterly at the tearaway children they resent giving birth to, pop down to your local Woollies whilst the sale's still on.


x

Celebrate good times. Come on.


My exams are over!

Well, exam, but it was fuckin hard.

I had to write for 45 minutes on "white effect" and "shutter speed", which wasn't especially easy as my 3 minutes of revising and lack of attention in leccies equipped me with about a sentence of info on the two of 'em. Luckily I can out bullshit a curry-loving bull in times of pressure.

Then I had to storyboard this bloody annoying script about a girl and a squirrel sitting an exam. I can't draw. And it made me hate squirrels.

All this was made more difficult by me forgetting how to write (I haven't actually written anything since my A2's last May).

But everything is right with my world once more, and I now have nothing to do for nearly a fortnight. WOOT.


Have a gift of celebration. It's the Kylie Minogue comeback single.

*clicky*

(Well it fuckin' should be.)


x

Monday, January 16, 2006

Some Sort of Tumour.

What on earth is this perched upon Freddy Ljungberg????


It's an outrage. I'm sticking to Ben Sherman boxers from now on.



x


P.S. I have an exam tomorrow. SHIT.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Woofer.


I'm getting a puppy!!!!


x

Friday, January 13, 2006

Salem's Tot.


It is with great joy that I bring you the news that 90's small screen goddess, Melissa Joan Hart (centre), has squeezed out her first baby.

Mason Walter Wilkinson was born on Wednesday afternoon weighing 9 pounds. Which is about the baby equivalent of 9, pound sticks of butter for those who don't do figures.

Because my only sister is a horrific excuse for a person and my parents left me to be raised by the television, I feel like I have learned most of life's lesson from two surrogate siblings - Clarissa and Sabrina. Fuck knows what type of person I'd be without The Joan Hart, so here's hoping baby Mason has inherited her brilliance.



x


P.S. I want a DVD release of Sabrina The Teenage Witch. Although they don't have to bother with the final series (without Hilda and Zelda).

My new best friends.

Feeling stressed?

Like life's getting too much for you?

You're on a treadmill and just wanna get off?

Scared of lashing out at your nearest and dearest?


Then try these:



They put you in your own little untouchable care free bubble.

Take it from me, they're fab.


x


EDIT: Although you have to throw caution to the wind and have about 20 (instead of 2 after a meal) before you start getting results.

This song is virtually perfection.


x

Thursday, January 12, 2006

God drives a taxi.


One, of many, good things about Aberystwyth is that it's small enough to get to anywhere in the town on foot. Although on nights out you sometimes just want to be lazy and taxi it.

I don't normally like getting into taxis as the drivers often scare me. They tend to be either quiet and surly, and you start to fear that there's a meat cleaver, masking tape and cheese grater in the glove compartment; or overbearingly friendly and you have to answer all the usual questions as well as pretending to actually give a flying fuck about how busy they've been and what time they knock off.

This has all changed recently with the introduction to my life of the finest driver ever. For the purposes of anonymity, we'll call her "Linda".

On the last two nights out she has provided the wonderful transport thrice. But when you get into Linda's cab you know you're in for more than a smooth drive. She is kind, warm and generally lovely.

Examples:

  • On the first trip my group of friends, for reasons I cannot disclose here, got onto the subject of spit roasting. Many taxi drivers would possibly ignore this or even show signs of disgust, but lovely Linda told us about the time she went to a house party and got done at each end by two burly rugby fellas in the garden. This was a liberating experience and everyone should do it at least once.
  • Last night Linda councilled a member of my group on the woes of relationships, as well as marrying me to the lucky breeder sitting next to me and assuring us that she's never been tempted into lady love. All in the space of 2 minutes or so!!!
  • There are other ace things too, but I'm sadly never in a fit state to remember them fully.

The good news for you all is that Linda's agreed to presenting a daytime, better-than-that-cunt-Jeremy-Kyle, chatshow. Should I ever be in the position to comission a chat show.


x

To be taken five times a week.


Here is some advice that may just change your life.

Instead of switching the tellybox off after the lunchtime Neighbours O' Clock has come to an end, leave it on.

"What?" I hear you cry, "This is insania!"

Well no actually, because Neighbours O' Clock turns into Doctors O' Clock. And Doctors is amazing.

Why Doctors is amazing:

  • It's set in Birmingham.

Therefore I am now watching it to stop the homesickness. Although thinking about it, it may actually make me homesick what with everyone talking properly and wandering around areas I recognise and casually saying that they got their new top from the Bullring or Solihull Touchwood (particularly amazing as this is where I shop). Although thinking about it further, I don't actually get homesick.

Doctors-love may just be a Brummy thing, hinted at by all the non-brums who gather in my room each day to watch Neighbours fucking off the moment the theme tune starts. But I don't see how a programme with the following storylines can not appeal to everyone. So far this week:

  • A baker who wanted time off work brought in a nice fat Gateaux to bribe a lady doctor into writing him a sick note. Lady doctor then offered another lady doctor a piece, which made her turn into a total mentalist because she's on a diet and mistook this kind gesture for some sort of cholesterol-raising attempt on her life.
  • Vikram Offcoronationstreet tried to con the absolutely ace receptionist out of lots of cash by pretending to sell her a house. He didn't though, so it's all ok.
  • A bitchy exmodel refused to take lady doctor's advice about coming off the HRT because she thought it would make her ugly and her husband would start sticking his percy in other women for pleasure. Bitchy exmodel then started picking apart the lady doctor's appearance, which was fabulous. Bitchy exmodel's daughter was also involved in this somehow. She was brilliant because the actress looked a good ten years older than the one playing bitchy exmodel.
Obviously I haven't seen enough to know any of the names yet, but it shouldn't take long.


x


P.S. In order to get full enjoyment from Doctors, you really have to take into account that it's a bit rubbish.

P.P.S. I actually know one of the runners on Doctors. Wow.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

The new Neighbours credits...

...are fucking ace as.

See for yourself: in this bit of the interweb

We'll get them over here in a few months, after the Grim Reaper has purged Ramsay Street of four characters who nobody really gives a shit about anyway.

I'm excited, as should you be.

x

Monday, January 09, 2006

Not looking for new England.


I am now back in "Wayulls" for the next 11 or so weeks. It is a lovely place.

Here are some facts about it:

  • The population of Wales is made up of the people who failed the audition to live in England, but were deemed too good for Scotland.
  • There are only two (very large) families in Wales - The Morgans and The Jones's. Breeding between the two famillies is strictly prohibited.
  • There is only one black person in the whole of Wales. His name is Peter. Following the succesful introduction of women in the 1920s, the welsh authorities now hope to add more such minorities.

That concludes today's geography lesson.

x

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Woot.

I only have one essay left to do now!

That's not because I knuckled down yesterday and churned out the assignment I intended to do, rather I found out that it doesn't have to be in until Wednesday afternoon. So there's no need to rush is there?

Sadly the same can't be said for this Spanish cinema essay.

It was meant to be in for December the 16th.


x



P.S. This morning I went shopping and among other things, bought a half price Will Young calendar...

Friday, January 06, 2006

Procrastinate! Procrastinate!


Why oh why do I always leave things to the last minute?

I return to uni first thing on Sunday morning, and before then I have two rather long and important essays to research (i.e. Wikipedia) and write. Plus I've got to pack. Quite simply, I am fucked.

I don't quite understand why I have this amazing putting-off tendency when I fully understand that my work will be of a far higher standard and less stressful should I do it over a nice long time scale. In fact, I could have started these essays at the beginning of October - that's about 10 minutes of work a day.


At least being a sloppy layabout when it comes to work means I'm not turning into my Dad just yet.

The ol' fella prides himself on being a reliable hard worker, like some sort of pompous human Bumble Bee. Sadly for him though, he'll always find a way to muck it up and end up breaking something.

This only seems to be increasing as his grasp on reality and common sense slips. The other day I asked him why he was taking a Benadryl tablet. His reply?

"Because every now and then I think I'm going to get an allergy."


x




P.S. If you also have lots of work to do and have to stay in tonight, then watch that Friday Night Project thing. It's presented by Billie Piper and she is fucking brilliant. I've even got her greatest hits.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Welcome to the house of fun.



If this morning you had asked me to compile a list of the top one thousand people I would have liked to enter the Celebrity Big Brother House at 9 tonight, the following names would have featured:


531) Pete Burns
683) Michael Barrymore
790) George Galloway


If you had asked for 1001 names, then drag-version-of-jordan Jodie Marsh woud be there too.

And guess what!!! The producers of Celeb BB must have known about my mind list and decided to grant my wishes, 'coz all of the above are now banged up together!!!

Joining them is a whole host of 'interesting' people. They are: Dennis Rodman, a lass from Baywatch, a guy from Goldie Looking Chain, that secretary who 'did' Sven, Rula Lenska, Ian Huntley and, a semi-fit fella from The Ordinary Boys called Preston.

Bloody hell! It's like a who's who of showbiz in 2006! But will they be entertaining to watch?

I'd imagine so, even if each show only consists of Pete Burns swearing and Barrymore looking menacingly at one of the housemates using the pool.

Incidentally, I want one of these two to win. Or the Baywatch lady.

x



P.S. I may have lied about one of the housemates. But it would have made fantastic tv.

Stick it up your arse, Vorderman


This detoxing malarky is wank.

Therefore i've altered the detox plan to includes cereal and chocolate. Plus anything else really.

All with lots and lots of water of course.


x

Santa is dead


... well for another year anyway.

The expression on my face resembled that of young Timmy, pictured, when I went downstairs this morning to discover that the ol' woman had grinchified the house and removed every christmas related item - save for the few pine needles that fucked over my bare soles, adding physical pain to that felt in my heart.

I fuckin' love Christmas so this is therefore always a tricky time for me. I hate it because it's like the last month never happened and there's a whole cunty year to contend with before the next one.

This is why she has to de-christmas the house when I'm unconscious or out. Once as a toddler (well, 11) I threw the almightiest of screamy-strops and tried to gaffer tape the Christmas tree base to the sofa.

I don't see why she couldn't have done this on Sunday when I've returned to Uni. What's a bit of extra bad luck when you're entering the twilight years of your life with saggy everything and are married to my dad?

x

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Up the duff.


This is a rather fabulous site which you feed a photo of your face into, so it can have a bit of a chew and spit out which celebrities you look just like.

When I say "fabulous", I only mean in theory.

'Coz it thinks i look most like (77%) Hilary Duff.

HILARY FUCKING DUFF???!!!!

At least she's not ugly.

Oh wait a second! What's this?

I also look like (66%) Michael Schumacher. The total fucking cheek.

The rest:

  1. Elijah Wood (65%)
  2. Jose Carreras (61%) - no idea who he is, but there's a pic and it's bloody insulting.
  3. Kimi Raikkonen (60%)
  4. Grace Jones. YES! Grace Jones of all people! (58%) - ?!*$!?
  5. Mick Jagger (51%)
  6. Ian Thorpe (49%)
  7. Orson Welles (48%)

Words fail me.


x

Lucky for some.


They're doing Ocean's Thirteen!

Hoorah!

I hope it's set in London.


x





(I'm probably the only person excited about this though, as everyone else who saw the last one was fuckin' stupid and branded it "a bit shit".)

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Practice what you preach.

So today I popped along to the dentist to be told that my pearly whites are pearlier, whiter and generally healthier than ever before.

However, the dentist's breath absolutely fucking stank. I could even smell it through his little face mask thing.

There's something wrong with this situation isn't there?

x

I want them to adopt me.

Call me sad, but I will admit to setting my alarm clock for 10:30 this morning in order to see the triumphant return of, er, This Morning after the long cold Christmas break.

It's no secret how much I love Fearne and Phil. Since Richard & Jitters went dull and hopped on the bus to channel 4, they've been the undisputed King and Queen of the telly box.

Actually I tell a lie. There was a time when it was oh so nearly Des and Mel who took the crown, but these days they've lost the spark and Mel is treating Des with the utter hatred and contempt usually only seen in care assistants looking after the elderly.

This Morning seems to also be stronger without Mr Madeley and his pissed up wife.

Fantastic stuff wot was onnit today:

  1. Jordan, looking like a giant plastic hotdog with hair, showing us how to "juice" and mentioning her newfitnessdvdoutnow in her answer to every fucking question. Her dastardly ploy worked though, 'coz I now want it even more than Claire Sweeney's.
  2. An incredibly tense interview with some tourettes suffering teens. Sadly we only got a bit of screechy twitching. It would have been fantastic to see how F & P would have reacted to"FUCK SHIT CUNT-KNOCKING MEAT POLE!".
  3. I'm sure there was lots of other ace stuff that kept me entertained too, but I've forgotten. Just take my word for it.

I just wish Five hadn't moved Trisha G to 10:30.

x

Monday, January 02, 2006

Vorderman, eat your heart out.


... because tomorrow I am going on a detox.

It's not very manly, but I never have been and it's the perfect way to stop me feeling and looking rough as fuck after all the Christmas binges.

To be quite honest I'm not really sure what a detox actually is, so I just plan to eat fruit, veg and drink only water for 5 days and call it that. There's no way I'm having a fuckin' colonic though.

Do you know how much fun you can have from google image searching Carol Vorderman?

Observe:





She is filth.

x

Aural Pleasures.



These are the Rogue Traders, and they are absolutely fantasmagorical.

Infact! I can even go so far as to say that they are my favourite band of 2006 and will wipe the floor with any of the
shite that the Jo Wileys of this world will ludicrously spout that you should be listening to.

I could also probably say that they're my favourite band of 2005, since they've already made it biggish in the merry old land of Oz and their amazing electropoprock album Here Come The Drums has been having its way with my ears (and leaving them thoroughly satisfied, begging for more) for the past month or so, courtesy of cdwow.


And what makes them utterly frajick in my eyes is that the ace lead singer is non other than Izzy Hoyland off fucking Neighbours!!!

Although she's calling herself "Natalie Bassingwaite" these days, in the hope that we'll all forget what a basket case she is and how she's responsible for the downfall of the greatest ever marriage on Ramsay Street.

But of course that can now all be forgiven. See for yourself how wonderful the Traders are:

Official site.

They're bound to make there way over here in the next few months, surely?

x

Sunday, January 01, 2006

New Year n' shit.

And there was me totally forgetting about it being the first day of a brand spanking new year!

My Resolutions (which I will most definitely be sticking to) :


  • "Stop biting all of my nails." - I actually made this resolution during a leccy in mid-October, and have managed to cease biting the nails on six of my digits. This is the
  • final push though and I'm not even ganna allow myself specially designated bitey fingers for stressful situations. I'll prolly just end up lashing out at passers by now or summit.

  • "Cut back on the swearing." - This was originally "give up swearing", but what's a fuck and a shit between friends?

  • "Stop eating everything." - Though I hardly weigh myself, I'm sure I've put on a bit this year. And that's despite cutting out the meat and joining the pasty, self righteous vegetarian army. My face is starting to look like it's been wrapped in dough, a bit like that funny little fella out of Keane or Steph from Neighbours. I do not wish to get fat again, so I shall not be such a greedy gobshite and will limit alcohol binges to the 2 nights a week. IN FACT! I shall become anorexic. My ambition for 2006: To have a starving homeless person offer me the sandwich crusts he's foraged from a bin because he thinks I should "eat something".

I only really care about the first resolution, but everything should be in 3's, shouldn't it?

x